Lifestyles of the Broke, Downtrodden and Eccentric!

Reminder

2009-09-02T07:01:00.001-07:00

This is a quick reminder for those people that still come to zaevdutt.blogspot.com or zaevdutt.posterous.com that I am no longer updating these two sites.

To view the updated Blog, please make sure you visit zaevdutt.com.

Thanks,

Zaev R. Dutt

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Where did the women go?

2009-07-24T16:10:00.001-07:00

Those that follow me on either Twitter (@zaevdutt) or Facebook (www.facebook.com/zaevdutt) will immediately come to the conclusion that they know what this post is about after reading the heading.

They're going to say "Uh Oh! Here we go again. He's going to post about how there aren't enough good single women around!". Well you're in for a surprise.

While I could post about that and make it interesting, while keeping in mind that it is true. I shall refrain from doing so.

You see my last post pretty much answers that question. Like I said, all the interesting women are taken at a young age by men who are easily old enough to be their Uncles. There isn't much that can be done about that. We can talk about how guys like me drive away potential single women by getting them upset while innocently asking questions like "How many men have you slept with?", but that would just be digressing.

On a side note: Why is it OK for men to talk about the women they've slept with but when you ask a woman, it's not OK? I mean we can't even ask them their age, and then you wonder why there are so many child molesters around.

It's simple really, most 15 or 16 year old's look like they're 20 going on 25. Whose fault is that? Well between the Media, the cosmetic companies and the companies producing Dairy products, it's a damn near toss up. On another tangent, I met a "French" girl today and I hate to say it, but the French really need to work on whom they chose to represent their country abroad. She claimed to be 21 while looking 25. Then she got upset at me for guessing she was 25. If you want to look younger, wear some makeup!

Sigh, I apologize for digressing. Let's get back to the subject at hand. All of you, my avid readers think I'm about to go on a rant and rave about how there just aren't enough good quality single women around. I apologize if this make's it sound like I'm comparing them to a side of beef. Some comparison's can't be avoided. However, you will be glad to know that's not what I'm talking about.

What I am going to rant and rave about is the complete downfall of women's sports today.

First a couple of disclaimers, I don't personally follow women's sports. I know they play a lot of sports and they take it very seriously. For example there is the WNBA (Women's National Basketball Association - Yes a lot of thought went into that name), or even the LPGA (Ladies Professional Golf Association). Hell I've even seen a women's criket world cup being aired on T.V. I"m not sure what it's called, and I really refuse to put in the effort in to find out. After all its a bunch of women completely covered playing the world's most boring sport (Yes, Cricket falls at number 1 just ahead of Bass fishing on the list of 10 Most Boring Sports!).

So anyway, most of you women are probably wondering "Why is there about to be a downfall in women's sports?". The answer is simple. There aren't enough people watching and hence the sponsors are leaving.

Think about it, when was the last time you watched any women's sports? By the way, Tennis doesn't count and for the record that's probably the most successful of the lot and still heading towards catastrophe. Nobody wants to watch another Williams Finals. That's third on the list of "Top 10 most boring things to do, preceded by watching Women's cricket and Bass fishing".

This is what people don't get about Men. Most Manly Men are scared to death of displaying any affection for their fellow Manly Men unless of course it's in private. In which case there will be a lot of Man Hugs and Fist Bumping. However in public it's an entirely different ball game.

You see men only allow their feelings to come out in public when watching sports. When you're a "dude" and you're watching the game, any game, you are allowed to shed a tear if your team is losing. You're allowed to kiss another guy if your team wins a big championship. If you're team is winning, taking off your shirt and swinging it around while you hug as many other men as possible is completely acceptable. When playing sport's you're even allowed to encourage fellow team member's by giving them a pat on their behinds.

Does anybody get where I'm going with this?

Men are allowed to display their feelings for other men when watching sports. It is completely acceptable. In fact, most people would say to hold back any emotion especially while watching a group of men pummeling each other would be heresy.

So I ask you again, why do women's sports fail?

Simply because men refuse to follow it. Sure we quote lines such as "They aren't as big, or athletic enough" or how about "They just don't compete as hard!".

Come on we all know that's not true. Women know that when it comes to sport's they have a lot more to prove than men, hence they train harder, play harder. I agree the game might not be as physical but it's a damn sight more fluid and natural, especially in this age of PED's (Performance Enhancing Drugs).

Nope, the reason we don't follow it is because it doesn't allow any of us a way to release our "deeply hidden" emotions.

After all a man who shed's a tear watching a bunch of women lose... well that just makes them gay right?

The problem in women's sports is that women refuse to watch it. Today, if all the women world over decided that watching the WNBA was a good way to release stress and a great way to bond, do you really believe the WNBA would be short of sponsors and on the doorstep of closing down?

In fact, most women would force their boyfriends / husbands to go with them to these games. It would work like a chick flick. There is a reason that "The Proposal" will go on to make as much money as "Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen".

Fact: Women want to see Ryan Reynold's strutting his stuff along with Sandra Bullock. Then spend the rest of the week imagining their boyfriends look like Ryan Reynolds rather than Ron Jeremy.

So what would be the simplest solution to avoiding the failure of women's sports? The solution to give women freedom world over?

You have two options:

1) Have women play all play sports while dressed up in Bikini's. If you can't attract the women, you might as well get the men. The only "sports organization" that has it right today is the WWE. They know sex sell's. So they have busty attractive women that are scantily clad beating the shit out of each other.

Well them and beach volleyball.

2) Target all the women out there. After all they make up a large part of the population and they wield the power of "The Wallet". Make them care about women's sports the way they care about fashion and accessorizing.

I want to take this time to let you know, I really don't mean to come off cynical or negative. I don't mean to criticize or belittle. I am just stating a truth.

If women's sports wants to survive the recession and / or get to the next level, they either need to target all the non homosexual women in the world today or they simply dumb down the sport and strip to their birthday suits because in the end those are the only two options that will save them.

Either way should make for an interesting time.

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Where did the women go?

2009-07-24T16:09:00.001-07:00

Those that follow me on either Twitter (@zaevdutt) or Facebook (www.facebook.com/zaevdutt) will immediately come to the conclusion that they know what this post is about after reading the heading.

They're going to say "Uh Oh! Here we go again. He's going to post about how there aren't enough good single women around!". Well you're in for a surprise.

While I could post about that and make it interesting, while keeping in mind that it is true. I shall refrain from doing so.

What I am going to rant and rave about is the complete downfall of women's sports today.

Does anybody get where I'm going with this?

So I ask you again, why do women's sports fail?

Simply because men refuse to follow it. Sure we quote lines such as "They aren't as big, or athletic enough" or how about "They just don't compete as hard!".

Nope, the reason we don't follow it is because it doesn't allow any of us a way to release our "deeply hidden" emotions.

After all a man who shed's a tear watching a bunch of women lose... well that just makes them gay right?

Fact: Women want to see Ryan Reynold's strutting his stuff along with Sandra Bullock. Then spend the rest of the week imagining their boyfriends look like Ryan Reynolds rather than Ron Jeremy.

So what would be the simplest solution to avoiding the failure of women's sports? The solution to give women freedom world over?

You have two options:

Well them and beach volleyball.

I want to take this time to let you know, I really don't mean to come off cynical or negative. I don't mean to criticize or belittle. I am just stating a truth.

Either way should make for an interesting time.

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Bank Accounts

2009-07-22T14:57:00.001-07:00

OK, so today I heard something very funny and amazingly it actually made sense.

Now while it may not be very politically correct and it definitely is the kind of thing that sets women's rights back a 100 years it was still funny.

BWSP, SBB and I were discussing the dearth of women. Well the dearth of women for me. We realized as men grow older it gets a lot harder to find available women. This is because most women get into "relationships" at really young ages and are all taken by the time they get to my age.Now there are definitely exceptions to the rule like the Pact Girl, but on average they start dating very young and end up in relationships for life.

Note: Keep in mind, I could always try to date younger women. After all I do have a 18 year old sister who knows quite a few young HCHHSSTT's. However, even I'm not that shallow or desperate... Yet!

As for the women that don't start dating young, well they just get really picky. They want their guys to look like Hugh Jackman, be funny like WIll Smith and be as charming and suave as Pierce Brosnan. This by the way is virtually impossible. I mean I'm awesome, but even I'm not that awesome.

So there we were discussing this theory, when all of a sudden SBB declares the following: "Women are like banking accounts. You have your Fixed Deposits, your Saving Accounts and finally your Current Accounts."

As you can imagine BWSP and I spent the next five minutes laughing. Then we realized how true his words were, you may not like it and it may seem sexist, but for most men this would be the ideal way to categorize women.

By the way Mom, I can hear you groaning out loud and wondering how in the world you managed to raise a child like me. Good luck I guess?

We then spent the next 10 minutes fleshing out each of the categories, which I've taken the liberty to post for all of you avid readers out there.

This way all the women can determine which category they are in. The categories are:

1) Fixed Deposits: These are women whom men like to take home to their parents. One possibility is that they could be daughters of family friends. This is primarily for Indian men as they believe their families would encourage an "arranged marriage", especially if the girl is a 10 on the HCHHSSTT scale.

Alternatively, female friends that have stuck around for years, with whom they may or may not have shared a "moment" also fit the bill.

Keep in mind that the two people managed to keep the "friendship" going through any and all turmoil.

By the way, if you spend more time talking to the guy than sleeping with him, it is a good sign.

Men like to keep these around for as long as possible, only cashing in this "account" once they settle on a girl to marry. Some men may even continue the "account" on the off chance they are hedging against a possible divorce.

2) Savings Account: These are women that men believe have potential. The may date sporadically.

These relationships are marked by the fact that they are meaningful. Time is spent in equal amounts of talking and getting jiggy with it.

The minimum time spent with the girl is at least a year. It can be on and off, but it needs to be for at least a year.

A lot of men see women in the Savings Account category as Fixed Deposits.

By the way I am really scared at how easily this Banking Analogy is catching on in my mind. It's really making a little too much sense right now

3) Current Deposits: These are women that most men cash in as soon as possible (By the way that sounds bad even to me).

You know you are in this kind of relationship if the conversation is limited and sex is abundant. There is very little hope to take this anywhere unless some how the girl makes an impression that the guy is forced to make her a more permanent / prominent fixture in his life. This is very unlikely.

Now, I want to take this moment to let all my female readers know that I am in no way condoning this categorization. I just think for most men, it's really convenient. Does it make it right? No, but it doesn't mean it shouldn't be used.

In a way, it's a lot like Nuclear weapons. We all know they are bad, we all know they shouldn't be kept around as it will probably lead to WW III. Yet, every country that can produce them has a stockpile of them. Let's face it, it is really convenient.

I would like to take this moment to let you know how scared I am. I just managed to compare "condoning of Nuclear Weapons" to "condoning of a banking analogy that helps categorize the way men "feel" about the women they are seeing".

I'm not sure if this will make my women readers feel better, but technically you could use this to categorize men as well. Except we all know women aren't shallow enough to actually go ahead and use it.

More power to you all. I'm still going with convenience over correct.

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Nothing like it

2009-07-18T16:38:00.001-07:00

OK, so I know every guy out there likes to say they don't remember the night they lost their virginity. I like to think they are all lying through their teeth.

Unless of course they were so wasted that they don't remember what happened and that in turn brings up the possibility it never happened. Now that would suck. You lose your virginity but don't remember it? Wow.

I think one of the biggest reason's I remember all the details from my first time is because without it, I may have been a virgin till the age of 23. Yes, the gap between the first time I got laid and the second time I got laid was a little too long.

If I didn't know better I'd say I was being punished. By the way it had nothing to do with the size of her umm "friends".

So, the girl that consented to helping me rid myself of the monkey on my back called "Virginity" was a pretty good friend. In fact, I've decided that since she was the first girl to take me for a "spin", she deserves a name on my blog. So we shall call her FSVH (First, Short, Voluptuous HCHHSSTT). Unfortunately, she was the first of a very short list of "HCHHSSTT's".

I'm going to now list the importance of the first time you do the horizontal Bopshibop:

1) Set's the bar: The first time you get laid sets multiple measuring bars. It set's the bar as to how good you are and how much you can improve. I've always believed I was pretty good and I also believed that as far as potential went there was scope for massive improvements.

Before you all start snickering, I'm not saying I was "Awesome". No, I'm pretty sure I wasn't, but I did get a couple of "Oh!!" moments and I'm pretty sure I got an "ouch" moment. Of course that was about 7 years ago and I need to ask "Have I reached my potential?" I'd have to say no.

I still feel I have a lot more to learn, but that's more comforting than scary after all only one way to go and thats up!

It also sets the bar for how attractive the women you sleep with in the future will be. If she's ugly, it can work against you or even for you. Think about it? Really ugly means, it can only get better. Worst case scenario, the other women you sleep with will be just as bad.

By the way, if she's really hot, well you may just have peaked too early.

2) Builds up Confidence: If the first time goes exactly as you hoped, there will be nothing to stop you along the rest of the way. If it goes really badly, well you'll probably never get laid again till you get married.

Did I mention you'll probably end up marrying the first girl that feels sorry for you?

If it goes the way I think mine went which was a combination of Good and Funny, you'll probably end up like me (You poor S.OB.). I'd like to think I've left every HCHHSSTT I've been with laughing or lusting after me. Most were probably laughing, but I'll take what I can get.

3) Sex is overrated: It is, it really is. Sex is actually pretty boring, in fact I get more kicks from making out and foreplay (Man that sounds like sour grapes even to me and I'm writing it!).

By the way the act of Oral sex comes under foreplay as does the part with the breasts. Motor boating is an art form once learned that leaves every guy wanting to come back for seconds.

Also, like I said before nothing is better than getting that monkey of your back. I have friends today that are over 25 years old and are still virgins.

Can you spell R-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D. (Popatlal: did I spell that right?).

4) Do's and Don'ts: While this may seem related to point number one, it's really not.

I mean think about it, while the first time sets the bar on how good you are or in the case of certain people how bad. It also let's you experience the Do's and Dont's of sex.

It's the only time you are in possession of the rarest of gifts, a "Get out of Jail Free" card.

This is the time to experiment as much as you want, because after this you are held accountable for everything you do.

Now is the time, you can try that move from a certain pornographic movie you watched, or even something you saw on the internet. If it works "Hell Yeah!" if not "Oh Well! First time. Live and learn". I'll admit I really miss the card, I've been held accountable for things that really weren't my fault.

and finally...

5) Size does matter: That's right, this is the first time that somebody other than your Mom gets to see Junior or as I like to refer to him "Krull the Warrior King!".

All those hours spent laying awake panicking if you're on the short end of the stick are finally over. You see either way, she's going to answer that question for you and if it's bad news. Well that what they make pills for. The earlier you start, the better or so I've heard.

Like I said, the first time does matter and it's important to every guy. If you miss out on answering the above questions then you've got to go that much longer stressing over things that really aren't worth stressing over.

By the way, I spoke with FSVH recently and I made a terrible mistake. You see we've never really discussed our "first time" after it happened. In fact we went our own ways and spoke intermitently.

Well, the other day we were speaking when I asked her "Honestly, how was it that one time?" and she replied "I didn't really have any measuring sticks".

Trust me it's not something you want to hear. So whatever happens do not under any circumstance ever meet, converse or query the first girl you slept with cause it will only end badly. Do what I didn't and be happy with whatever answers you have and move on.

By the way I choose to repress that conversation and instead write this post to reaffirm in my mind, why my first time was "Legend.. wait for it... Dary!"

On a quick tangent by the way and completely unrelated, has any T.V. Show ever brought back as many things as "How I met your Mother?" Not only did Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser) make a comeback but he brought with him the following:

1) The liberal use of the word "Awesome"

2) High Five's for everybody.

3) One Liners like "Legend.. wait for it.. Dary!

4) Treating women like sex objects.

Does it get any better than that?

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

We have liftoff

2009-07-18T02:20:00.001-07:00

First off, I'd like to take this moment to apologize to all my ardent readers out there. I realize my blog has been down for some time now and while I do have a littany of good excuses, I shall refrain from using them.

Instead I apologize once more.

While I've managed to move all my posts to Wordpress, I'm sorry I haven't been able to move all the comments. You will notice, those of you who insisted on commenting on zaevdutt.blogspot.com have had all your comments moved over. Unfortunately, Wordpress and Posterous haven't quite linked up yet. Those are the breaks I guess. By the way I also want to take this time to tell you that Posterous is a phenomenal model, I only moved away from it because of the lack of customizability with regard to design.

And Finally, while the design of this blog may seem very plain, its a work in progress. It took me a long time to finalize on this design and I personally like it for it's simplicity.

Some of the new and old features of the blog include:

1) Blog Roll - These are links to blogs I read.

2) My Twitter Feed - These include most of my nonsensical, value adding twitter updates. Follow me!

3) Tag Cloud - This is my personal favourite, it's a Tag Cloud which takes you to posts that have been categorized or tagged in a certain way by me. Should make for easier browsing.

While I have yet to update the blog with any new material, you can take the time to enjoy some of it's new aspects and go through the older posts.

Oh and you can expect a post from me over the weekend.

P.S. For all the updates, you must view the blog using the url http://www.zaevdutt.com

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

10 Things I'd rather be doing

2009-07-13T13:49:00.001-07:00

So, couple of quick things. I've learnt I really should never post from my Blackberry or when highly intoxicated. For those interested, I made a couple of edits to the post "As Drunk as a Homeless Man on New Years Eve". I'd like to believe it's a better read now, still as "Honest" as before, just a whole lot better to read. I apologize for all the spelling and grammar mistakes.

So moving on, this is going to be a quick post.

I was sitting at work today when I emailed TPG (The Pact Girl) 10 things I'd rather be doing. The 10 things were really good, so I've decided to share them with you - My Avid Readers!

While this isn't the original list emailed, it's pretty close. So here you go in a vague order of importance, 10 Things I'd rather be doing:

10) Taking a dump, while reading JLA (Justice League of America) comics: You'd be amazed at how relaxing and fun this is.

9) Getting a lap dance in a strip club in NYC: Nothing like a Brooklyn girl giving you a lap dance, alternatively you could get one from a Latina girl as well. Whatever floats your boat.

8) Getting a lap dance in a strip club in Las Vegas: Completely difference experience, as nothing beats a Brooklyn girl who moved to LA, got implants, failed at acting and decided to become a stripper in Vegas instead (Only one step away from making a porno!). More over you can follow this up with a Breakfast Buffet for $4.99!

7) Playing Poker with MJ (Jackson), MJ (Jordan), Elvis, Kobe, Wilt, Lenon and Lenin: You telling me you don't want to know what Jordan thinks about Kobe? Or what Jackson thinks about his death, his kids custody battle and his possible burial at Neverland? Let's not even get started on Wilt telling you stories on how he slept with over a 100 HCHHSSTT's while cussing Shaq out. Lennon cussing McCartney out and finally Lenin cussing Stalin out. Lots of cussing, good times all around in my opinion.

6) Riding Suzzanne across India while singing "Life is a Highway" in my head: I do think that after an hour or two when I can't feel my ass, I'll probably want to do one of the other 9 things. In the meantime though "life is a high way and I wanna ride it all night long!".

5) Having crazy animal sex with Megan Fox, Scarlett Johansson and Cindy Crawford: There were two things good about Transformers 2. Robots thirty feet tall kicking ass and Megan Fox licking her lips and doing her best impression of C.J Parker running on the beach. Scarlett just does it for me. As for Cindy, Damn that sexy mole.

By the way: Has a mole ever made a woman more sexy? Is it even possible? When I see the moles on the faces of most "normal" women, I wonder how long before I say something stupid like "Holey Moley!" or "Moles Away". With Cindy, it's more like "Mole me baby! All night long!".

4) Chilling with Didi in NYC and then getting drunk while celebrating Tutti Fruiti's Birthday: Tutti Fruiti doesn't read my blog, but here's a shout out to her, also the thought of free drink's since it's her Birthday is always nice. Oh and Didi cooks a mean lasagna.

3) Chill with Mom in Dubai, and have MWA (Mangie Wants Ass) visit me in Dubai so he can buy me drinks: I'm cheap and broke. He's rich and generous. It's a good combination. Mom provides free housing. Did I ever mention I love my Mom?

2) Chilling in my apartment with MWA, TL (Team Lead), Beige (pronounced like the colour) and Coffee, drinking tons of beer and having D&M (Deep and Meaningful - TPG's abbreviation) conversation: Nothing beats good friends, good booze and good conversation.

and finally...

1) Getting drunk with TPG, having D&M conversation with her, which ends with my grabbing her ass (she hates that!) and her slapping me silly: What can I say, she doesn't even know it but she could have me wrapped around her finger.

By the way a couple of really quick honorable mentions such as playing ball with Alinefx, MWA, and Beige, going to Burritoville will Coffee, getting drunk with my little sister and watching her make a fool of herself as she starts hitting on random men and driving my dad's Jeep down from Calcutta to Bombay.

If you have any suggestions, let me know. I welcome new and different ideas.

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

As drunk as a Homeless Man on New Years Eve.

2009-07-10T15:08:00.001-07:00

So, after my last post I really didn't plan on posting for a while, but fate obviously had other plans.

I just went for a friends / boss's farewell party. Honestly, I had no intention of going, because I felt I had said my farewell 6 - 10 months ago.

Apparently, as I said fate - fate had other plans.

So there I was witnessing the tribute prepped for him, and the first thought that came to mind was "Wow! When I leave, this would never happen!". That thought hit me like a ten ton piano falling right on my head.

The truth is, I've known this for a while. The difference between myself and my colleagues is simple. It's not a question of intellect, management capabilities or business aptitude. It's a simple case of "wanting it more". I just don't want it. This is not what I see myself doing for the next five years. Unfortunately, while not an excuse. It does lead to indequacies.
I realised about two to three weeks ago, why I didn't want it, the answer was chillingly simple. I don't want it because I don't care.

I'm not saying I'm awesome at what I do, but I do think I'm pretty good and the only thing holding me back is me.

Who do you blame wheb you know that all your inadequacies are your fault. It doesn't matter it it"s a relationship, work, hygiene, or even running the U.S. Presedential Office, in the end the only one to blame is yourself.

Why haven't I set out to do more with my life? It boils down to deciding if you want to wake up one dat knowing that you tried and you just weren't as good as you thought? Or maybe you wake up knwoing you didn't even try?

In almost three years spent in India, I've accomplished nothing. It"s ironic people ask me why I came back and my answer is "I hated my job". Well, is today"s scenario any better?
I don't know, I get paid less to do more, while I'm still discontent doing it. The crazy part is, I know the people I report into actually read this blog and I don't eve care right now.

I just came from the farewell "party" of the person that introduced me to my present situation and two things dawned on me;

1) I still haven't quit and he just did. I'm not sure if this is an ego thing, or it its relation point #2.

2) He's actually doing what he always wanted to do, while I'm more lost about what I want to do than ever before.

I really wanted to stop writing these stupiid posts dealing with the brutal honesty of how I felt. I much rather post about "How women should dress on a first date!" Or "why is that girl engaged when she's got her arm around me?". Apparently, all I'm good at are these sappy posts, declaring the many inadequcies of my life. Mind you this isn't helping me get laid at all.

Stating "truths" that nobody else should care about and by the way if you do care? While I appreciate your concern, shouldn't you be more focused on your own life?

Amazingly enough, I'm not depressed or high volatile emotionally. I'm perfectly normal. I know what I need to do, the only question is "Am I capable of doing what needs to be done?".

Based on historical performance the answer is a resounding "No!", I'd like to believe that I still haven't lost the hope to change that to a more welcoming "Yes!".

It's 3 AM and all I feel like doing right now is going for a ride on beautiful Suzzanne. Damn the facr that I drank too much.

Definitely feel like a Homeless Man on New Years Eve.

By the way "Puke free since '09" just doesn't have the ring I want. Any suggestions?

P.S. This post was made using a BlackBeryy. Please excuse grammar, formating and spelling mistakes.

Posted via email from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

The Pact

2009-07-07T15:59:00.001-07:00

I once made a pact with this incredible HCHHSSTT.

Everybody makes pacts like the one we have, especially when you're younger. It's one of those "If we're both still single by the time we're 30, we'll get married" pacts.

Note: It's amazing how when you make these pacts, you never really believe it'll happen. I mean come on, what are the chances you're going to be single at 30!?! Obviously this changes the minute you get closer to 30, have been single for a while and have no chance in hell of dating a girl, let alone marry you in 4 years. Things sure change as you get older.

Disclaimer: I'll admit that I've made this pact with a few women. Most of whom today I either don't speak to anymore or don't want to get married too.

However, there is one girl who she stands miles apart from them.

She's not your usual HCHHSSTT. Sure, she's hot (definitely more attractive than any girl I've ever been with) and can pull of the whole High Heels, Short Skirts and Tight Top bit, but along with that she actually has a brain. She's interesting, talks just the right amount, knows how to hold her liquor (kinda negates my chances!), laughs at all my jokes and most importantly she is an avid reader of my blog. I think she might even be offended to be labeled an HCHHSSTT - Unfortunately, not every girl wants to be an HCHHSSTT!

By the way for all you guys (all women readers can just replace "girl" for "guy") out there, I have a couple of quick questions, When a girl calls you up:

1) In the middle of a meeting, would you walk out of the meeting even though you know your boss won't be overly impressed?

2) In the middle of a close friends surprise party, would you disappear for over an hour and miss out on the cake being cut right at 12 AM? (By the way, this isn't as easy to do as it sounds!)

3) In the middle of an holiday with a group of 8 - 10 friends (all drunk) who want to head to the beach, would you try stalling them (and succeed!) for an hour or more?

What would you do? You know what's a really scary thought? I don't do this for my own family (sorry guys), but I did it for her.

Note: After every one of these calls, I went through the following emotions in this precise order: Elation followed by a dose of reality bringing about a nice bout of Depression. This is actually really good for healthy living at the very least it keeps you in touch with two of your most extreme emotions.

You go through life, meeting a ton of people and there are a lot of times, when you think "This person is cute. I should try my luck". but there are only a couple of times, when you meet someone that makes you cry when they leave (It took me a long time to figure this one out by the way) and only one person for whom you'd call ten different friends in an attempt to get her number so you can drunk-dial her.

So, I have this pact with her and the crazy part is I'm not even sure she remembers it. I don't think she does, and does it matter if she does or not?

I put a lot of thought into this post, in fact I spent the last 24 hours thinking about what I'd write. I know if I had spent another 24 hours, I'd probably do a better job writing it, but would it be as honest and would it really make a difference?

I've told her how I feel and she always counters by saying "It's in your head". I really don't have a come back to that.

So as I was thinking about what to write, (channeling my inner stalker style) I decided to check out some pics of her (gotta love Facebook) and I realized "Holy Shit! She's completely out of my league and I stand no chance!". Let me tell you, it's not a good feeling, Reality is a real pain in the ass.

So what's the point of this post, Is it to tell her how I feel? Is it to tell you my avid readers how I feel? Is it to give my brother more ammunition to use against me in our never ending battle of nitwits? Is it to make my mom realise that her son is a hopeless basket case? Is it to make this girl realise I'm a pathetic, sentimental, wuss of a Manly Man? Is it an attempt to remind her of a pact made 10 years ago?

I really don't know.

While this post may pose more questions than answers, I guess what it really comes down to is sometimes you just gotta let it all out, so you can let it all go. No matter how nonsensical, irrational or hopeless you feel.

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Job Well Done

2009-07-05T11:50:00.001-07:00

Today a friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend, they'd been dating "on and off" (his words, not mine - I always believe it's either on or forever off, but that's just me) for about 5 years now. I just have to say I'm really proud of him.

You see in this day and age, most people that are in relationships longer than a year or two, get married and then divorced in about 2 - 5 years. Now, this is may not be as true in the States as is it is in India (In the States, they don't get married, they just live together), but there is still some truth to it.

All these people stay together for just one reason and that is they "Settle". Everybody in this day and age settles. I've seen it happen over and over again, people just settling.

I mean if this happened in times of War, the world would be a much better place. Unfortunately, it's never that simple. When it comes to war, we'll wage it until a whole bunch of people are dead. When it comes to Love, nope let's just settle for something that may or may not even be love, because that's the "smart" thing to do. Which is really ironic when you think about it.

I'm off the opinion that people settle for primarily two reasons:

1) They are scared of being alone

Note: Loneliness is a by product of being alone. I've had this argument and won. If you want to argue it further, please make sure you Define:Alone in Google search first, read all the definitions and then come back with your "rational" argument.

2) The concept of "Divorce" has made it so that people feel they can just correct a "mistake".

That's one hell of a mistake to fix champ! Assuming you live for 60 years, and you spent 8 years with someone, only to have it end in divorce because it was a bad idea (which you knew from the beginning, but ignored because you thought you would never find anybody better). You wasted just a little over 1/6th of your life away. Namely your prime, the peak years which you could've used finding the perfect person or sleeping with a bunch of HCHHSSTT's. Both of which by the way, would you leave you happier than you are right now.

So I'm happy because he didn't settle. He definitely had the opportunity too. I've met his ex-girlfriend and she's actually kind of nice and attractive too. Unfortunately, for him (or her) they just didn't click sexually.

Note: Yes, sex is a big part of any relationship. I mean come on, I'm not afraid to say that a large reason I would get into a relationship with a girl is the fact that I'd get unconditional sex at least once a week (That's the bare minimum as far as I'm concerned). If a guy (or a girl) is not getting that, you know they're going to cheat on you. This is the reason most Indian Husbands are such adulterers, their wives refuse to give them enough nookie and when they do give it up, it's bland and boring.

So anyway, like I said he could've settled. Now, you know why I'm happy my friend broke up. As for why I'm proud?

Well, it's because he could've done something a lot of guys do and that is string her along until he found somebody he felt was better. I know he liked the fact that he had somebody to talk to all the time. Somebody that made him feel special and when you spend as much as 5 years with a girl, it's not easy letting go.

In fact, imagine letting go and knowing that while there are possibilities you could meet someone more your match, the chances of that happening are at best 50 - 50. It takes a lot of cajones to do something like that (It takes even more when you know, you aren't going to get any sex for a while - I don't think he realises that right now and I'm not about to tell him).

I know so many people that stay in unhappy relationship's because they can't be alone. I've met guys (and girls) that cheat incessantly on their significant others, all because they are unhappy at the thought of being "stuck" with them. Some guys do worse, they emotionally abandon their girlfriends but refuse to break up with them or let them out of their lives because they like having them around, pretty much like a favourite chair.

Now, I know you guys think I'm being my usual "over reactionary" self. I probably am, I probably am applauding something most people won't agree with. But you know what? I'm fine with that.

When you grow up in a family littered with divorce, and you know your mother is single because she got married for the wrong reasons and is suffering because the guy who married her was too scared to make the right decision for the both of them. You'll learn that maybe, it's better to be alone than to spend the next 3 - 5 years in a relationship that leaves both people worse off than when they got into it.

So, to my friend I raise my bottle of beer and say "Job Well Done".

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

What did you do?

2009-06-28T05:00:00.001-07:00

I've been wanting to post for a while now, but haven't been sure what I should post.

I know some people may have been expecting a "tribute post" to Michael Jackson. The reason I haven't done that is because everybody seem's to be doing it. Don't get me wrong, I always thought Michael's music was really good.

How do you know when a person is a great entertainer / musician? Well there are two fool proof ways to tell:

1) When people start fainting at his / her concerts. Has this even happened since Michael? I don't really see people fainting when Beyonce, Fergie, Usher or Timberlake perform.

If Michael Jordan was the "His Airness". What does that make Michael Jackson? His "Moonness" or maybe "The Moonwalker". I can't think of anything creative here, but we definitely need an apt title.

2) When you can take an album and listen to every track on it and say "Wow, Let's play the whole thing again!". I don't think I've ever done that, except with his albums. More often than not, I always skip to my favourite tracks leaving out the stuff in between that I don't like. Interestingly enough, will we ever see another Michael Jackson? Weirdness and all? I doubt it, but you can never say never.

Having said that, I always felt sorry for him and his fall from grace. Here was a guy that literally had the world in the palm of his hand and Wham! It wasn't there any more. Did I believe the child molestation charges? Nope, not really. We all know that people will say and do some really nasty things for a little bit of cash (You know who you are! And you're going to hell!).

I like to believe that he really just wanted to be a kid again and hanging out with other kids in his mind was the perfect solution. Was it a smart thing to do? Of course not. Did somebody try and stop him? I doubt it. He did it though, and he was chased out of his country for it. Amazingly enough, the same people that condemned him are singing his praises today. Talk about hypocritical.

What is really sad is that people have completely forgotten another icon that passed away; Farrah Fawcett. She may not have been as popular as Michael was worldwide, but lets not forget she was the original Charlie's Angel. Before Baywatch, there was Farrah, and lets face it Michael never looked as good especially not on a pin up poster.

By the way, when you loose two cultural icons on the same day and they were a distinct part of your childhood, it makes you realise, just how old you are.

In other news, my little sister got into St. Stephens, it's supposed to be the best school for the course she wants to do. This is good and bad:

The Good:

It gets her out of Calcutta. For all it's charm, I've found people that stay in Calcutta seem to be stuck in some kinda time warp. They don't seem to have moved past the 70s? or 80s? I'm not sure which decade, but still. I do know I'm too scared to go there and find out. Also, I've always believed (and have told her this with a lot of love and understanding) she is spoilt and overly protected. This should hopefully change (for the better) by leaving Calcutta. I say hopefully, because as always, we have the bad.

The Bad:

She's going to Delhi. This is the part where I would scream, rant and rave. Delhi - The land where women go to become brainless airheaded bimbos. Don't get me wrong. I love Brainless Airheaded Bimbos! They are awesome. I just don't want my little sister becoming one! Y'arrgghh Delhi. (Please excuse me while I go break something and find a release for my perfectly rational emotional outrage).

Then again, it is St. Stephens and it is supposed to be the best school for the course she's going to be doing. She's also really happy about it. (I have to keep saying this to myself to stop from continuously going into a violent outrage)

Did I mention it's in Delhi?

and finally,

The Kitchen Sink:

I can no longer say with pride and joy "Puke free since '03". For all you young' uns out there, stay away from Absynthe. There is no green fairy. Just the devil waiting to get you and take away the simplest of joys away from you like being able to say "Puke free since '03!". Let's face it "Puke free since '09" just doesn't sound as good. I have to admit, I spent more time mourning this than is I should have, but I am still pretty depressed about it. Nothing good comes of drinking Absynthe.

It may have partially been my fault, since I "shotted" a glass of Absynthe, followed it up with three quick Rum n Cokes, and then one more glass of Absynthe and three more Rum n Cokes. I also know, I will be getting a call from my mother after she reads this saying "You are drinking too much! Are you sure you are not an alcoholic? Are you depressed?".

I should be happy I didn't try drunk dialling anybody. Definitely a saving grace.

So, what did you do the weekend two icons passed away?

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Unhappy puppy being harassed by three women.

2009-06-25T09:07:00.001-07:00

So, that would be a picture of Sasha. I have no clue who the three women are. I think they were the three witches of ISM (Indian School Muscat) or some such thing.

While I generally don't post pictures, videos or music, I couldn't resist uploading this (Also, I have to admit Posterous.com makes it very easy to do - Shameless Posterous plug) since Sasha has been the only dog I've ever had. I think this picture pretty much explains why I felt such a deep connection with her.

Aside from the fact that we are both lazy, intelligent, and good looking. We both didn't like being handled by the witches of ISM. Now, I'm pretty sure some of them are friends of my brothers, but if you can't make fun of them than who can you?

By the way, I have three very vivid memories of Sasha:

3) The day she died - Yep, I was there and it wasn't pleasant and I'll never forgive a certain somebody for the way she died. She died of an heart attack and it really wasn't pretty. I'm sorry this is so morbid, but It's something that sticks with you for a long time if not forever. I'll even admit to tearing up at times when thinking about it.

2) The day she ran away - This was when I was pretty young, around 7 and my mother and brother tricked me into taking Sasha for morning walks. They said it was temporary, and then gave me a speech about responsibility, etc. When I complained about having to take her for walks in the morning (this was because neither of them could wake up early enough to take her out, so I was volunteered - Pure Evil!). So anyway, there I was walking her and she runs away into the elevator and the door closes before I can get to it. I of course freak out and wonder where she went. Apparently, she was done and couldn't wait to get back into the house.

1) The day she entered my life - I'm back from school (I was about 5 or 6) and I see my mom holding this puppy, completely jet black and furry. I'm all excited, and we run into the house and Wham! She enters the house, makes a bee-line for the rug right in the middle of the living room and decides to take a pee. Even I couldn't have done a better job! Right then I knew she was a special person and would fit right in.

I'm not sure how to end this post, so I'm not going to try anything special. I'm just going to say that I don't know if all dogs go to heaven, but if they didn't let Sasha in... Well, then they have absolutely no taste up there.

Oh isn't it funny that the only memories I have of being seven are of her and of calling my brother "a bastard". Good times.

Posted via email from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

zaevdutt.com

2009-06-23T13:22:00.001-07:00

So first of, before we go any further I have some good news for all my ardent readers. I have finally "invested" (FREE!!) in a domain name and have decided to move my blog to Posterous.com temporarily. I actually envision building a complete website over time and will start sometime next month.

That is neither here nor there. What is here, is that now instead of typing zaevdutt.blogspot.com in your browser, you can type zaevdutt.com. See, I just saved you guys the time it takes to type out eight alphabets and if you are anything as slow as BWSP, well then I know I did you a big favour.

So moving ahead, I was asked a very interesting question by someone earlier this evening. Let's name her FPLFWA (Female Partner in a Law Firm With Ass), I have to take this moment to admit that even I find the name a little long winded and am not completely convinced she has an Ass worthy of the name, but I just couldn't think of anything more appropriate that was shorter.

Anyway, FPLFWA asked me earlier this evening "What keeps you going in life?"

Well, I have to be honest I couldn't answer her. Now before you panic, I'm not suicidal, it's just that there are a lot of things in life that keep me going. I also have to take this time to note that I hate posts that are preachy, long winded and use the world "clichéd" and this one may turn out a little preachy and clichéd. That's my disclaimer right there.

So, if I had to narrow it down to a list of 8 things that keep me going, they'd have to be as follows (Countdown time - I'm loving this!):

8) My bike - Lame? Stupid? Clichéd? Predictable? Unimaginatory? Yep, all that and a bag of chips baby!

7) The New York Knicks - I want to live to see them win a championship in my life time. Unfortunately, at the rate I'm going what with the abundance of cholestrol and lack of exercise in my life, there is a high likelihood that this won't happen. However in the words of Tupac "We gotta make a change!"

6) Owning a beach house / a Villa on some desolate "green" island with a fair amount of rain and writing a book in said beach house / Villa - While, this isn't something I've been thinking about since I was 8 years old, it is something I would like to try and get done. Two things that helped inspire me:

a) Watching "Love Actually" where Colin Firth writes a book in his Villa by the lake and at the same time manages to hook up with a really attractive Portuguese Housekeeper. Yes, I liked the movie and I'm Manly Man enough to admit to it.

b) Going to a villa in Lonavala this past weekend, surrounded by tree's, pouring rain, fog rolling by on top of rooftops, lightning and thunder (which actually made me scream like anything but a Manly Man) all this added up to a very profound moment where I realised I wanted to write a book. Now to get over my fear of Dacoits.

5) Hooking up with a Latina HCHHSSTT, a red-headed HCHHSSTT and a blonde HCHHSSTT (preferably all at the same time) - Now, while I may not have the sexual competence to actually do all of the above three at the same time. I'm pretty sure I could handle them individually.

Again, I know how clichéd all this sounds but have you ever been with an HCHHSSTT, while she screamed out "OH! PAPI!" with a very sultry Latina accent. I know, I'm completely objectifying women right now, while doing a phenomenal job stereotyping the Latino people. I only hope Jesus (pronounced: Hesus) will find it in his heart to forgive me for this. What can I say, this is what I live for.

4) World War III - Now, while this may be the death of me. I think I deserve to be alive to see it start and then point a finger at everybody responsible, all the while saying "I told you so" while never really doing anything to help prevent it. I also figure, it may be the only opportunity I will ever get to fly a plane without a license and channel my inner Biggles!

3) Watch MWA (Mangie Wants Ass) and my brother getting married - At their respective weddings, I plan on making out with as many bridesmaids possible, while relishing the fact that I am single and for once in my life going to get more action than them.

It's never great for your ego when your best friend is MWA and you have an older brother like mine who managed to do everything before me and better than me.

2) Mom and Didi - Yep, parental pride. Be all that you can be. Etc, etc. Well truth be told, a lot of what I do is because of them. They keep me going. After all, my Mom forced me to keep writing, my Didi kept feeding me (explains a lot right?), together they are "Team Supreme". I figure the least I can do to pay them back is:

a) Outlive them - I know nobody likes burrying their parents, but I also know my Mom and Didi would hate to bury me first. This post is turning out to be cliched and morose.

b) Give them Grand Kids - While this competely goes against point #3, I still have to put it down here. They deserve grand kids they can spoil, even if that means I won't have crazy animal sex at MWA's and my brothers weddings.

and finally...

1) I refuse to end my life as a failure - Nuff said.

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Honestly?

2009-06-21T09:29:00.001-07:00

I wonder if we'll ever get to a day where we can just say what we want and be honest about who we are? Seriously, don't any of you ever get tired of always portraying an image which isn't entirely you?

Sure, we all have a little bit of crazy in us and sometimes exposing people to that craziness all at once can be a little much. Ideally the craziness needs to be doled out little by little, I get that.

However, that doesn't happen and instead we create an image completely different from who we are and it becomes such an effort to keep it going. Eventually, we just isolate ourselves from people because let's face it the image is too much effort and its easier to just not meet people. This is a shame, because I'm sure that if most of us were just ourselves, we would be a lot happier.

I've decided to shatter whatever image people may have of me by writing down ten truth's about me. I just hope, somewhere it makes all of you my avid readers realise that while people can't handle the truth, it would probably make you happier.

Note: This is going to be a countdown by the way, and the order is organised by importance (from lower importance to higher importance):

10) I'm a selfish person - Sure, I care very much about my friends and my family. However, I am selfish and always end up doing what I feel is best for me. Unfortunately, in the end it doesn't always turn out to be best for me. For the record my most selfish act was leaving New York to come to Bombay to "finally do something I wanted to do". Man, did the man above really get me on that one. He's got a wicked sense of irony.

9) Hopeless Romantic - Nuff said.

8) I cannot have sex without foreplay - Yep, I can't do a Wham! Bam! Thank You Ma'am! I'm the kind of guy that needs to have a build up. Like any good high rise, if the foundation isn't strong, it just will not rise. If this is too much information for you, you may want to stop reading.

7) I'm addicted to porn - Yeah, hate to say this but I think I'm addicted to porn. However, in my defense I'd say that at least 50% of the world's population is addicted to porn. Also, imagine all the knowledge I have stored! (Sigh, OK this one is bad and I know it)

6) I have no idea what I want to do for a living - This is not so much a secret, but still it needed to be written. Sure, I'd love to play in the NBA but I don't think they are looking for a guy with limited vision, average to bad ball handling skills, shot challenged, vertically and athletically inferior. Stand up comedian would be good as well, except I don't think my ego could take the constant booing.

5) I'm a "Mamma's / Didi's" Boy - Yep, I am. If I ever meet a girl that my Mom or Didi don't approve off. I'm not sure what I'd do. Also, I would want to end up living next to them in the future. Of course this is because I can then go over and grab dinner and supplies for my own house whenever I need. Also, if I ever have kid's I'll have two awesome baby sitters and it'll be free. Think of the savings! (I've already admitted to being cheap in a previous post!).

4) Completely inept at dating - I'm never sure if a girl likes me, can never tell. Don't know how to tell them either. A lot of time's I end up like Godzilla just breaking down building after building and hoping to hell that it pays off. Have I ever mentioned the times when I was pining after a girl who was engaged or that time I kept messaging this girl thinking she may like me, only to realise that I was being delusional. I'm so awkward with women now, that I'm never sure when a hug is a just a hug and when a kiss is just a kiss and not more.

3) Fear of Divorce - So, my family is rampant with divorce. My mother and my father's side. In fact I could probably write a book about it and it would be a best seller. The fact is though, that isn't good for a kid.

I know a couple of girls that are reasonably close to me and well their parents got divorced and now they just abhor the thought of marriage cause they believe it will happen to them. The sad part is both of them are great girls, that any guy would be crazy to run out on.

Well I'd like to tell them what I tell myself - "I am not my mother or my father. I may have their genes, but I am not them - and I will learn from their mistakes and mine"

Besides, I'm definitely using this fear to make sure I don't end up settling for the first girl that dates me for more than 1 month. Hopefully, this results in me getting married to an HCHHSSTT! (I'm trying to think positively. Work with me now!)

2) I suffer from an inferiority complex - Wow. This one is hard to discuss. Oh well, so I do suffer from a weight problem. Don't get me wrong, I love being large. Nobody ever messes with the big white guy with a scowl on his face (except for the big black guy with a scowl on his face - this may sound racist, but unfortunately it's true). But let's be honest in this world today, women seem to love the six pack over the keg. Oh well! That may play a small part in it. The rest would have to be with the fact that I constantly seem to fail to get to where I want to be in life.

A large reason I portray myself as arrogant, unapproachable and uncaring is because I don't want people to see a chink in the armor. It also doesn't help that I've had two of my girlfriends cheat on me. On the flip side, I've also hooked up with women that have had boyfriends of their own. I'm not proud of it! But hey, I need something to make me feel better right now. This ain't easy!

I guess my attempt at humor is another self defense mechanism - Like Chandler (Yes, I just used a Friends reference. Sue me!) I use humor as a defense mechanism, especially when nervous. Trust me, the first time I had sex is the biggest example of my inferiority complex and my goddamn defense mechanism kicking in.

and Finally...

1) I don't want to be alone - This is the biggest one. I don't want to live and die alone. That would be the worst thing ever.

I gave you the truth, can you handle it?

Seven Years Later

2009-06-17T12:29:00.000-07:00

A lot can happen in seven years. I decided to take a minute to reflect on everything that's happened to me in the last seven years.

One of the things I did was go from living in the Greatest City in the World to a city which may not be the best but is still in the top ten. Seven years ago, I was 19 years old and a freshman in college. In my mind, the world was my oyster. There I was poised to do what I had always dreamt off. Sure, things didn't go exactly as planned but that was fine.

I had all my plans ready, starting with a degree in Finance and Investments, followed by Law School and an MBA. Along the way, I'd meet the perfect girl, move in with her and make enough money to take care of my Mom, Didi and my brother (and give him shit for it!). Like I said, I was 19! I may not have been the legal age for drinking, but at least I could go to a strip club.

Fast forward today, seven years later and all I have is my degree in Finance and Investments which I have never put to use. Never went to law school, forget about finding the perfect girl and take care of my Mom, Didi and brother? Hah! I can barely look after myself. Did I mention I'm no longer 19?

Now why did I just give you a brief history lesson on my life?

Well, imagine seven years ago you are a 23 year old, you've just accomplished the rare feat of completing back to back to back championships. You're already being touted as the second most dominant player in the NBA. The most dominant player was on the same team as you. Life is good, you have a wife who is drop dead gorgeous and nothing can stop you from becoming the best basketball player in the world in a few years. Well nothing except you.

Now fast forward five years, you haven't won another championship. You committed adultery, you were accused and acquitted of sexually harassing a hotel employee. People hold you responsible for breaking up a team that could have been the most dominant team of the decade and just as easily have gone down in history as one of the best teams ever! Ranking among the greatness of Jordan's Bulls and Russell's Celtics. You became the best player ever in the NBA but it didn't matter you were stuck on a team that missed the playoffs and when you did make the playoffs you couldn't get past the first round. Life isn't looking good.

So you do what you know best, which is throw a tantrum and demand to be traded to another team. When your Boss obliges with a potential trade, you block it only because you realise the team you would join will end up being worse off. You have literally hit rock bottom. Forget about beating Michael Jordan's six championships. You just want to make the playoff finals!

Suddenly things change start changing in the next two years.

You are asked to be a part of the Team USA Basketball and take them from the dumps to Olympic Gold (and you do, you win gold), your team gets lucky and lands an All Star forward named Pau Gasol and another forward called (Trevor Ariza) who does a lot of the nitty gritty things you need to win a championship.

It's been six years and you are now 29. You have a team capable of winning the NBA Championship, you are finally emerging as the leader everybody hoped you would be, the coach who helped you win your first three championships and called you "Uncoachable" is back and now calling you the next best thing since MJ.

You finally reach the NBA Finals, except you lose to a team with more talent and hunger. You walk off the court with your shoulders slumped, another year and no championship. The next time you promise things will be different.

You and your team mates spend the Off season and next year busting your butt, you refuse to lose. You play hard 24/7 which is something nobody can ever take away from you and will become part of your legacy. You went months without breaking a smile and everybody kept saying it you were really focussed. People kept asking if you were bothered by the fact that you couldn't win another championship without a certain game changing center called Shaq. You scowl and say that is not what you focus on. Though you know it's a lie.

You get a few lucky breaks along the way like your rivals losing key players to injuries, a couple of foul calls and some clutch shooting from your teammates. Along the way, you also realise that it's not about you. There is more at stake than just your fourth championship. You realise, that every individual in your team has something at stake. So, you decide to share.

Guess what? It's been Seven years. Your coach Phil Jackson won his record breaking 10th Championship, your teammates were all vindicated. Lamar Odom proving he can keep his head in the game while the game is on the line, Pau Gasol proving he is one of the most skilled and toughest forwards in the league after being labelled soft, Derek Fisher whose daughter is suffering from a rare eye cancer came back and won again, Trevor Ariza goes from being a journey man player to a player who is a starting forward about to get a very big contract.

What about you? You just won your fourth championship, won your first NBA Finals MVP and you are now going down in history as a top three player. Congratulations to you.

Oh wait? You aren't Kobe Bryant. My bad.

Who wins??

2009-06-13T00:29:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to follow the NBA playoffs as much as possible over the last month or so. Back in NYC (New York City - Duh! What did you expect??), I would follow it on TNT or ABC. The NBA, its FANtastic!

However, in India life isn't so easy. Aside from the fact that there is a massive time difference. Have you tried going to sleep at 4 am, waking up at 7 am, watching the game till 9:30 am and then heading to work for a 12 hour day? Let me tell you, it is not pretty. Let's just say my head has a bunch of bruises and my table has more than a few chipped corners.

Then you always have the possibility that the cable operator may switch channels on you and pull out ESPN and replace it with another shitty channel. Trust me, this has happened on more than one occasion. Have you ever woken up at 7 am after a late night and found out you woke up for absolutely no reason? I wanted to call my cable operator and leave him with death threats.

By the way only in India do you have a system where you can't choose your channels and your local cable operator totally screws you over by playing whatever they want, whenever they want. We're almost a developed country, yet we suffer from bad cable (Internet + TV) service. It's a sham!

However, through it all, I've persevered and I've been rewarded with a fairly competitive NBA Finals.

First of all let me make it very clear, I am a New York Knicks fan through and through (when they aren't losing and when Isiah Thomas isn't in charge!). Second, I've been a Kobe Bryant supporter since 1997 when he won the Slam Dunk Contest. You also have to realise, before this the only players I'd ever heard off were Jordan and Pippen. Oman (Tiny little oil rich country in the Middle East - my brother called it the Devil's armpit.) was probably worse than India when it came to following the NBA especially in the days before the net came into play.

So here we are, in the playoffs and it's Lakers Vs Magic. Interestingly both these two teams have had their fates intertwined. Sure, its been rehashed over and over but still I'll rehash it once again for your reading pleasure.

The Magic were the team to draft Shaq and then they made the NBA Finals in 1995 only to lose to the Rockets, the next year they made NBA Conference Finals where Jordan sent them fishing. After that they lost Shaq to the Laker's in the offseason and got nothing in return. This was followed up by years of losing for the Magic and 3 Championships for the Lakers.

It's almost like guy meets HCHHSSTT, HCHHSSTT takes guy to the top and then dumps him for another guy. Now the new guy is the "Man" and the first guy is homeless. That is until he meets a new HCHHSSTT with potential to be better than the first girl and now he's the "Man". This by the way happened to the Magic when they drafted Dwight Howard.

So now, you have two teams; the Laker's going up against the Magic. Kobe want's his fourth and most important ring. If he win's this, he can finally say he did it without "Shaq" and he goes down in history as the third greatest guard ever. First two being Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson. (This is of course until Lebron signs with the Knicks and win's them 8 - 10 Championship rings, don't think it's going to happen? Oh! It's going to happen!).

So back to the Finals, Laker's take game 1 with a come from behind victory. Kobe channels his nickname and becomes the Black Mamba completely killing the Magic defense. The Magic appear just happy to be in the Finals. Don't forget Kobe hasn't smiled in weeks. He's not starting now! He wants his fourth ring.

On a side note: If you ever get time, go to YouTube and check out the funny Nike MVP - Most Valuable Puppets commercials. There is a reason they sell as many shoes as they do. It's a shame they didn't make one with Dwight Howard and Kobe. Here's a link: http://tinyurl.com/1w83b7

Game 2 is a Laker's win again, barely. Pau Gasol helps bail Kobe out after he misses a clutch shot and blows a defensive cover. Still they win. Did I mention Kobe wants his fourth ring? He hasn't smiled in weeks!

Game 3 is a Magic win. This had to happen since they had home court advantage. Having said that Kobe fails in the clutch again. Amazingly enough he had 21 points in the first half on 8 - 11 shooting. If you don't know what that is, let me tell you it's great. Of course, he then goes and completely ruins it in the second half and fails in the clutch. He has the ball stolen from him, he misses a bunch of shots, fails to pass the ball to the open man and is full of fail. As Anne Robinson would say "You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye." I want to bring up the fact that he hasn't smiled in weeks? Man, he really wants that fourth ring!

Game 4 is a Laker's win. This is because Derek Fisher an old Laker holdover from their first three championship days hits the game tying 3 pointer with 4 secs left and then scores another go ahead 3 pointer in overtime to win. Kobe by the way scores 32 points, only problem is it took him 31 shots to get there.

Now, my problem isn't that the Lakers will win. Nope, I'm happy they'll win. I want Kobe to win his fourth championship ring and I want him to smile. Let's face it a sad Kobe isn't good for the NBA or for his endorsements.

My problem is the fact, that he probably will win the NBA Finals MVP, and I hate to say it but I don't think he's deserving. Sure, at a glance his stats look great. The fact however remains that the real reason the Magic are still in the hunt is because each game has been very close and Kobe (who is generally considered to be the best closer in the NBA right now) just hasn't been able to close them out. Now, I'm the first guy to tell you the biggest difference between Jordan and Kobe is that Jordan learnt to trust his teammates. Something Kobe still seems hesitant to do and considering the teammates he has, it's a shame.

Right now, I'd say Kobe is like your average guy trying to score with a really hot HCHHSSTT. He starts off really well, say's the right things and generally doing the right thing. Then the minute things get the slightest bit shaky, he goes off into "I'm Da Man" mode and totally ruins it for himself. If he just learnt to trust his wing man and allow the game to come to him, instead of forcing it. He would be unstoppable.

So, here you have it. The Lakers will win in 5. Kobe will be named NBA Finals MVP. Will he deserve it? Probably more so for the other years that he didn't get it. Will he learn to share the ball? I hope so, because if he doesn't he isn't winning another one again.

To Do or Not To DooDoo

2009-06-07T12:06:00.000-07:00

So, most of you will be quick to judge this post as a lousy attempt of humor. But it's not. You see what I'm about to discuss is off immense importance to me.

That's right we're about to discuss what we're allowed to do in a bathroom. Sure, this subject has been hashed and rehashed over and over and you are probably asking what's left to discuss? Well, just recently I had a conversation with a few people and all of them seemed to have the most skewed perspective on this topic.

First of all let's start with the simplest one. Taking a piss.

Now, this is easy because the basics are easy:

1) When you feel the need to urinate in someones house make sure you don't miss.

2) When in a public restroom you need to try and leave one urinal space between each person. The people that fail to follow through with this one need to be hit with a baseball bat.

3) Finally, always without fail make sure you wash your hands. If you fail to do this, you are going to hell. If you really think God let's people who don't wash their hands after taking a pee into Heaven, you are kidding yourself!

Now, we come to the the center of my weekend conversation which is taking a dump and what you are allowed to do when you are busy dropping the kids off at the pool.

The way I see it, I think most people have very negative images and attitudes with regard to taking a deuce. In my opinion, I think dropping it like it's hot is one of the most natural and relieving things to do.

I spend a minimum of 5 minutes everyday on the pot and the way I see it, I need ways to entertain myself when on there. It could be a comic: nothing beats reading about the Justice League saving the world when you let it all out. Sometimes, its a Magazine: Maxim has great tips on how to make a Porch for the house I may one day own. Then you always have Novels: I still remember the morning I read that Harry Potter lives was exceptionally relieving. I think it may also have had something to do with the food I had the night before. Definitely something about spicy Indian food that turns your bowel inside out.

However, I digress. Nowadays I don't really have anything to read when on the pot so I've taken to bringing my phone into the loo. Sure, all you people are probably groaning away at the thought of it. You know what? I bet all of you have your own "dirty" secrets as well. I just happen to have the guts to write it down for posterity in a public forum.

Let's face it, the 5 - 10 minutes I spend on my throne everyday is really great for taking care of work. I send off emails, I check Facebook updates, I would also be checking my Twitter updates except the app on my phone isn't working. I even check up on sick friends like Wishy Washy (Who doesn't even appreciate my concern!). I play games and in the last week have doubled my High Score in Brick Breaker! I get too check my brothers location every morning on Google Maps, which is my way of making sure he's alive. Finally, just this morning I carried out a conversation with my sister about her love life on MSN while doing the deed.

You know what? I love taking my phone with me when I go potty! I'm not ashamed to admit it. I also feel, people need to get off their high horses and admit that it's great idea.

And by the way, I've never understood the whole "Oh you took the book / phone to the bathroom! Disgusting!". Hey guess what? All the while I'm handling items on my commode, my hands are clean! And last I checked, taking a shit doesn't release airborne germs into the air that magically attach themselves to the surface of books or cellphones.

So, I repeat do yourself a favor, get off your high horses and start enjoying the time spent while attaining nirvana.

Cast thy Judgement!

2009-06-05T16:19:00.001-07:00

Isn't it funny how we all have preconceived notion's of what people are like? I'll be honest, I'm all about judging the people I see in front of me. It definitely has a fun factor to it.

I mean come on, you enter a bar and you see the skinny chicks that are either anorexic or too young to be in a bar. Let's not forget the big muscle bound dude's who probably nothing but air in between their ears and nothing else. Then there is always, the skinny dude with the spiked hair who has no clue. Or how about the dude in the really loud t-shirt who either has an over bearing mother or an over bearing girlfriend who is an imitation of his mother (guess who bought the shirt?) and finally the HCHHSSTT standing in the corner who is really just a frigid bitch.

I get it, I make judgements all the time, so does everybody around me.

In fact, I was out earlier tonight with FLBN (Female Lawyer with a Big Nose) and a couple of her colleagues. Interestingly enough, one of her colleagues labelled me as a guy that was into women that were basically helpless and constantly needed reassuring, along with a host of other issues they may have. She also claimed I couldn't drink to save my life and basically I was a first rate loser. OK, honestly she didn't call me a loser but I know she was thinking it.

I obviously object to all these points. First of all I am not a loser! I just choose to under perform. Secondly, I refuse to be told by a girl that gets buzzed on two Long Island Ice Tea's that I can't drink, especially when I was four Rum N Coke's down along with a beer in the span of an hour and sober as a whistle (Something that I'm ashamedly proud off).

Finally, I will admit I do like women that are a little needy, that do require a little reassuring and that once in a while just want to be held. Yes, I'm a sucker for this stuff.

Why you ask do I want a woman with the above character traits (or character flaws depending on how you look at it)? Well it's simple, I like to know that the girl I date needs me. I refuse to date a woman that thinks they can do everything all on their own.

Why? Because nobody can do everything on their own. These women actually end up being more trouble than they are worth.

People fail to realise, I was brought up by a single MOM and guess what even she had help. The help came in the form of my Didi. Oh, and let me tell you they don't make them as intelligent, mature, strong willed and as independent as my MOM (or Didi for that matter). Let's put it in perspective: My MOM was a single mother of two children during the eighties while living in India. Halleluja!

However, the fact remains that everybody needs help. What truly makes an individual special is when they are willing to admit that they can't do everything on their own, instead reaching out and accepting the helping hand being offered.

Whether in love, sports, war or business, it is what separates the winners from the losers. You don't believe me, just ask Kobe.

So, do everybody a favour stop being quick to judge. Oh and I know how cliched this is, but believe it or not, this isn't a public service message.

Fact is, you'd be amazed at what you are missing out on just because you choose to be quick to pull the trigger and judge someone. Take it from me, I know first hand.

Eulogy of Sorts

2009-06-05T15:53:00.000-07:00

Isn't it funny how life always throws you a curve ball? Especially when you least expect it.

There you are chugging along amicably, and Wham! you aren't chugging along anymore. Sometimes it's the smallest things that can derail your "Oh So Perfect Life" and sometimes, it takes a lot more.

Today, I found out an avid reader of my blog "Whitey" was hit with a pretty mean curve ball. Now Whitey and I aren't best friends, but I'd like to think of us as kindred spirits of sorts. After all how many other people do you know admit to eating Bacon Sandwiches, while watching episodes of South Park? Did I mention he's an avid reader?

Whitey was a good man (or so he liked to believe), he organized many events to help build camaraderie, he had an HCHHSSTT for a girlfriend and as far as nerds go, he was as nerdy as they come without being a complete loser. Did I mention he's an avid reader?

So, I raise my bottle of beer and to you Whitey I toast:

"Things happen for a reason, when things look bleakest remember that it can and probably will get worse. When it does get worse, just remember you have an HCHHSSTT for a girlfriend. If things get really bleak and you lose the HCHHSSTT, just remember there are some very high bridges in different cities the world over and nobody will hold a grudge against you if you decide to jump off one.

However, once you finally see the small ray of light in these moments of darkness, when you finally learn to accept that you probably have absolutely no control over your life and wake up to the realisation that God is more than likely a mean kid out to mess with your head. When and only when you embrace this, I'm sure it will help add a little color to the monochrome palate in front of you, that you call life.

After all, you just spent a year and half in India and didn't get food poisoning even once. It doesn't get better than that.

This one is for Whitey!".

Did I mention, he's an avid reader?

Stache Attack

2009-05-31T14:11:00.000-07:00

First off, there is definitely something to be said about posting at 2:30 AM after an evening of drinking. Regardless of what people say, I would like to believe some of my best work is done in situations such as this. Sure, there may be tons of typo's (spell check is godly!) and sure the post may be nonsensical but I'd like to believe that they make enough sense to be relevant.

So, this was a pretty interesting weekend for me all things considered.

It started with a passport verification check on Friday where I found out that most passports have a 50% chance of being approved when you have a rental address as the permanent address. I guess us Indians have come so far that regardless of whom you are, you are expected to own property. That's a shame for people like me, but hey "Go Indians???"

However, I did notice something very interesting when I went for passport verification. Apparently, there is a rule somewhere that states everybody who enrolls in the Indian Police Corp (I'm guessing that's what they call them) have to grow mustaches.

You think I'm kidding right now? Wrong! Every cop that I saw had a mustache. Sure some were big, some small, some thin, some thick, there was the Hitler and there there was Freddy Mercury. There was red (Yes, Indian men love coloring their hair), there was brown and there was black. Some of them would've given Tom Selleck a run for his money. Only thing missing was a blonde mustache. In fact, I believe that to be accepted into the Indian Police Corps, you would have to grow a mustache. It doesn't matter if it's pencil thin and looks like pubic hair, they'd let you in.

I hope by blogging about this, I don't jinx my passport approval.

So, this was followed by Friday night session where I hung out with two friends and we discussed assorted topics from HCHHSSTT's to more mundane topics such as work.

Saturday was really no different, I had my boy TL (Team Lead - apparently he is never getting promoted) come over and we discussed assorted women and their zaniness and drank an afternoon beer or two. Seriously, there is something to be said about afternoon beer, there is absolutely nothing like it on a warm weekend day. It up lift's your spirits in so many ways.

Finally, we come to tonight. Tonight is Sunday and I just got back from Wishy Washy's birthday celebration. Let me tell you, Wishy Washy went all out. He went as far as to have Black Label out for everybody to drink. I had Rum N Coke. Something about RnC. It's old school, it's a kids drink, but it's ohh so sweet (I'm also hoping less calories than beer, though I'm pretty sure the coke is negating that).

It was a fairly enjoyable evening, I met some old friends, whom I spent the evening torturing and who tortured me. What is it about Girl on Girl action that gets all men excited? It doesn't even have to happen, just the possibility is enough to make us blush. I don't get it, but I will admit I am a sucker for it. I would like to think I made a new "friend" and for once I was decently attired so I think I may have made a positive impact. However, I distinctly remember asking her if she was "Bi-sexual". Sigh, this is becoming a trend of sorts.

I finally had to leave, because NCB (Ninja Cock Blocker) was passed out, and Wishy Washy's parents were on their way back. I will never understand why people insist on getting to know Puff the Magic Dragon, especially when Puff insists on making them pay the price.

Let me tell you, dragging someone home who has been burnt by Puff is absolutely no fun.

All in all, I'd say it was a good weekend. On another positive note, I may just get passes to go to a fashion meet soon.

Why do I like fashion you ask? I don't. I just love the thought of HCHHSSTT's dressing up in different attire. Yes, I'm a pervert.

Like you didn't know already?

Drunken Dialing

2009-05-23T13:55:00.000-07:00

So after two and a half years, the company I work for is finally shifting to a new office. This building is supposed to be state of the art, with all sorts of facilities. Of course we live in India so that means the building took three years to complete and it will take another year to finish putting in all the state of the art facilities.

However, the company decided to throw a party to inaugurate the new premises.

As far as parties go it wasn't too shabby. We actually had a dress code for the party which was Black tie. I had to rebel and decided to go with a really flashy blue tie. However, considering that I was wearing a shirt, pants, jacket and leather shoes to go with it. I think most people were actually pleasantly surprised I could clean up.

The great part about a formal dress code is that you get to see all the people you work with at their best, especially the women. Nothing beats an HCHHSSTT all decked out in formal gowns.

So as with all company parties, especially IT companies you get a bunch of repressed nerds that go crazy because of all the free liquor. So there we all were getting completely sloshed.

To my credit I was not very drunk. I was pleasantly buzzed. So much so that I was probably the least emotional of all my friends.

I know I've posted on this before, but I want to reiterate that alcohol makes people do some crazy things. There were grown men and women crying everywhere. People getting truly emotional. My colleague BWSP (Batman Wannabe Scared of Pigeons) started jiving with random women though he swore he wouldn't. My other colleague SBB (Short Build Bastard) was trying to get a lesbian to have a threesome. A third colleague, whom we'll call NCB (Ninja Cock Blocker) was drooling over all the women and cock blocking them.

Well you can all imagine, the end result was a bunch of really well dressed men and some (not all) well dressed women drunk, emotional and falling all over each other.

As for me? Well, like I said I was pleasantly buzzed and decided to get myself home before I started acting like the rest. Interestingly enough I think I did only three stupid things all evening:

1) I asked a girl if she was a lesbian - This is never good. Avoid it at all costs. Trust me. To make it worse, I was actually thinking I had a shot with this woman. Note to self: Learn to keep mouth shut when drinking!

2) Dance with the CEO's date - Right, if you want to keep your job do not under any circumstance do this. I think the only reason I still have a job is because he thinks I have "Potential". Mind you I haven't gotten promoted in two and half years! But hey.. I still have a job right?

3) Drunken dial a female friend in the hope that I could get lucky - Umm, maybe I was more buzzed than I realised.

I think friends should stop friends from drunk dialing. Somebody needs to come up with a buddy system that takes care of this. It's like Drunken driving. You don't let your friends drink and drive. Similarly there should be a designated phone holder. He's responsible for handling all his drunk friends cellphones.

This way, no matter how drunk you get you can't drunk dial anybody. I think I may have to put some more thought into this and come up with a system. It's for the betterment of man kind!

Thank god these parties only happen once a year.

Karma

2009-05-23T13:13:00.000-07:00

So I was going through my sister's blog, and it has once again dawned on me just how much better she is at this blogging thing than I am. In fact, you fail to realise that she's just 18 and already putting up posts that make me feel like I'm a hack.

So now not only does she write better than me, but she's gone and gotten a 96% in her final year exams. She even passed Bengali with a 65%. Don't ask me how she did it, because I have no clue. Don't get me wrong, my sister is anything but dumb. She's a little moronic and the occasional airhead but she's not dumb.

Oh hell! Fine I'm a little jealous. Wouldn't you be if your little brat of a sister scored a 96% in her finals and did so all the while laughing at everybody's discomfort. Did I mention that she did that while only thinking about her trip to Bali.

I guess some people can plan as much as they want and the plans just never work out. Some of us plan and the problem is when your plans do work out, you find yourself exactly where you thought you would be only to realise that where you are is really unsatisfying. And finally some of us, don't plan and just "wing it" and end up right where we want to be.

There is definitely something to be said for "winging it".

She updated her blog recently saying "This author is unable to update as she is too busy having fun. " - Well, I think we can all agree that maybe, just maybe she deserves to be having fun.

So, Trish to you I raise my beer and say "Welcome to the next chapter of your life and know that everybody now will expect nothing less than a 96% from you. After all you did it once. You can do it all the time! Enjoy!" (Evil smile).

Scotch, Music and Conversation

2009-05-17T11:15:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting at my desk and I'm pondering what I should blog about. I've come to the realisation that somewhere along the way I have lost sight about what my blog is supposed to be about.

It started off as a "My Firsts" list. Obviously, as time went on I ran out of "My Firsts" or at least didn't have as many to write about. The sad truth about this is, maybe I should be doing more new things in my life. That realisation has me sitting here pondering the lack of adventure and excitement I face everyday.

However, before I digress any further, let us get back to the progression of my blog. Today, it seems to be a combination of various activities I've taken part in and rules that I'd like to believe I follow in my life.

There is definitely something to be said for someone that post's about all the different rules to be followed in different situations. I'm just not sure if it's something good or bad. I guess I can ponder this later.

So I've decided that today, I'm just going to write complete gibberish and hope that whoever reads on doesn't fall asleep. If by now it's not obvious to you that I'm not at all sure where this blog or post is going, you may want to pat yourself on the head and close the browser window.

First of all, after spending a month living with my brother and MWA, I've come to the realisation that while I love living alone, there is definitely something to be said about having the company of people you truly care about at all times. In a lot of ways, the last month reminded me just how much I miss the luxuries I had in NYC. I'm not referring to the lifestyle. What I truly miss is the fact that I was living with the most important people in my life, and all the while I was afforded enough privacy and space to ensure my sanity. Definitely good times.

I've also realised that if I ever hope to get into a live in relationship with an HCHHSSTT, I'd better get used to thing's not being the way I like them. I'm not quite sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing but at least I don't need to worry about that anytime soon.

I went to an engagement this weekend and came away realising that while I am very proud to be Indian, I refuse to get engaged / married the way Indians do. I've already posted on what I'm going to do for my wedding. Well as far as my engagement "party" goes, I think it will just be a small affair with some close friends, lots of alcohol and tons of women. I figure if I have to wake up the next day with the realization that I'm never going to sleep with more than one chick for the rest of my life, well then I need a pick me upper and the alcohol and women are going to help there.

As for inviting family to my engagement "party", well I think it's better if I just took them out for an engagement lunch somewhere fancy and have a combination of my Mom and Brother foot the bill for me.

In another interesting twist, I now have no filter when I say things or do things. After two plus years dealing with a set of people that just plain irritate me, I have made a conscious decision to not deal with them if I don't have too and walk off.

Case in point was the engagement I went to this weekend, where I eventually got tired of waiting for the engaged couple to land up at their own afterparty and left before they showed up, this was preceded by me telling a girl she was boring me and walking away while she was still talking, which I know my mother wouldn't be happy with me for, but in my defense she deserved it. Interestingly enough, I almost forgot about the guy I flipped off because he was acting like a douche.

On a rather large side note, there are a lot of ways to get over various romantic interests in your life. You could always start dating someone a lot smarter and better looking, alternatively you could just move away to a different country and hope never to see the person again. However, you should never underestimate the power of seeing a romantic interest of yours making what you believe to be the biggest mistake of their life. It doesn't matter if you are right or wrong, it's all about belief.

Finally, I have to admit that while it can be fun going out on a date with various HCHHSSTT's, sometimes the best thing to help you relax could just be scotch, music and conversation.

Night of Tuborg

2009-05-11T04:58:00.000-07:00

So this is not really a weekend update, it's more of an awareness update.

You see I spent this week, the way I spend most of my weekends which is going out with friends and getting drunk. However, there was a small difference this past weekend. This weekend I got to go out with friends and drink all the Tuborg beer I wanted for just Rs. 500 (That's $10 for the rest of you!).

Now contrary to public opinion, I'm not a cheap guy. I just have a budget and choose to live within it. Sometimes though, I tend to forget whom I'm around and I make the mistake of coming off cheap. It's a sad flaw I have. Something I definitely need to work on as apparently it has cost me at least one potential HCHHSSTT this past week already.

However I digress, so there we were Rs.500 for all the beer I wanted. There was no way I was going to pass up on this opportunity. It was Saturday night, and I was ready and raring to go!

This would be a good time to add that the friends I was drinking with are all 21 or at most 22. Now one of these young lads had chosen this moment to challenge me. That's right challenge moi! He claimed very positively he would and could drink more than I could.

Now every Manly Man knows, that no matter what happens when challenged by Obnoxious Little Brat's (OLB), you must step up to the plate and accept said challenge.

So there I was in a drink off with a 21 year old.

I guess drinking all the beers you can is a lot like when you meet a girl for the first time. With women, you want to make a great first impression on the girl. Sometimes however, you completely crash and bomb and the first impression you make is a disaster. What you have to realise is, you just need to calm yourself and realise there will be more chances to change that impression. It's the same thing with a night of all you can drink beer, just cause you don't chug the first three doesn't mean that you'll end up drinking less once the evening is done.

In the end the OLB started passing out at about beer number 10 and half. Like most OLB's he had failed to pace himself.

Hoever, at 26 I couldn't afford to make these amateur mistakes. I couldn't afford too drink too fast and end up throwing up somewhere, not when I had another record that I refused to concede.

You see, I've been Puke free since '03! If I ever decided to run for Presidency, I think that would be my campaign slogan and I think I'd get quite a few votes. For one thing it's a lot more catchy than "Change we can believe in!" (or whatever Mr. B.O. was using).

Being older and wiser I knew that it wasn't important how fast I drink but rather how much I drink without hurling - by the way if you are still throwing up at the age of 26 after a night of binge drinking, you may want too really take some time to reflect on yourself.

I ended the night with 12 and half beers, all the while staying "reasonably" sober. I say "reasonably" because the worst thing I did that night was ogle at some HCHHSSTT's. Considering the fact that I didn't hurl, nor act inappropriately in any manner, I'd say I was pretty well behaved.

Anyway, as you can imagine after the 12 and half beers which isn't even a record for me. I was pretty worn down and decided to call it a night. Sad truth? There was a time, when I could drink till 6 am and not feel worn down or close to calling it a night.

Sigh, let's just say this is when us older and wiser people truly feel the pain.

Gone are the days when I could outsleep the beer and the hangover.

I suffered through some very disturbed sleep (weird weird dreams - dreamt FLBN was standing above me and saying "I told you so!" Shudder!!), woke up four times to relieve my bladder, suffered through a headache while sleeping which was then nice enough to stay for 4 hours after I woke up, and finally the onset of a cold and fever. Is there a scientific study showing beer as a catalyst for a common cold? If there isn't one already, we need to get it done! I'm living proof!

In the words of Roger Murtaugh "I'm too old for this shit!".

Pushover Syndrome

2009-05-06T10:20:00.001-07:00

So in keeping with a mini theme of my blog, I ask my ardent readers what they wish to read about and then I blog about it.

Today, an ardent reader who I've decided to label FLBN (Female Lawyer with a Big Nose - I know it's a mouthful, but trust me it's true!) asked me to write about how guys are such push overs when it comes to women.

She probably expected me to argue the topic with her, and as always she probably expected me to end the conversation with a rant and rave on how men are not pushovers. However, I chose to agree with her. Cause let's face it, truer words were never spoken.

Even the Manliest of Manly Men can be made to do anything by a specimen of the opposite sex (granted it would have to be a 10 on the HCHHSSTT scale).

Why does this happen I asked myself. The answer is simple.

The female form is designed to bring men to their knees and when you add in the fact that they have no conscience and hence don't care about right or wrong (with regard to men), it makes for a losing battle for men.

For example, I have a friend SBB (Short Built Bast**d). Here is a guy who is very calm and controlled. I believe he can be very logical and generally doesn't react with emotion... Ok, that's not true but he's still better than most.

Anyway the fact is if you place SBB in a room filled with at least 3 women that are single. Chances are he'll end up driving at least one of them home even if it means going 3 hours out of his way on the off chance that he'd "get some". Sigh, one time he went half way to Goa all the way from Bombay to drop a HCHHSSTT off. In his defense, he did "get some".

Then we always have BWSP, this guy rocks to his own beat (literally). However, even he has given into the temptation of the HCHHSSTT. To give him the benefit of the doubt it took the combined efforts of Alcohol, Puff the Magic Dragon and a really long dry spell before he fell to his knees and gave in to the temptress.

Hell, even I've been victim to the Pushover Syndrome. On more than one occasion,I have found myself dropping some random HCHHSSTT home, or the times when I would spend nights on end listening to their incessant banter. That was the least of them by the way, I don't want to bring up the time I actually cut my hair for a girl because she "liked guys with short hair", or the time I went to a Sushi bar because she wanted Sushi (I abhor fish! Let alone raw fish!). All this just to "get some".

Come on be honest with yourself when it comes to women as long as they are relatively good looking, you'll do whatever it takes to "get some". And you know what? That's fine. We're weak and we'll admit to it. Some weaker than others (You know who you are!).

What really upset me though, is the fact that women know about this and still will do whatever they can to enhance the advantage. I don't think it ever once occurred to them to level the playing field, or better yet be nice and only use it at times of need. Nope, instead they continue to blatantly abuse their overwhelming power and then ask me to write about it.

Oh well, "getting some" sure is worth it.

Etiquette is a must

2009-05-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

Etiquette is very important in life. There is dinner etiquette which is very important. Nobody likes to see someone chewing loudly with their mouth open and food dribbling down the side.

You have Subway / Train etiquette where it's always polite to let people off the train before you try to get on, nobody likes to push and shove.

How about Club etiquette, where you respect peoples personal space in a club and try not to feel up every HCHHSSTT in the club.

What people fail to realize is how important Strip Club etiquette is. After all, everybody should go to a strip club at least once in a lifetime. And yes, there is strip club etiquette. To be quite honest, what you do in a strip club is a true reflection on who you are as a person.

Note: I'm actually dedicating this post to a colleague of mine who insisted I post on this after a recent episode she went through. We shall call her "Gadha".

So here you go, Strip Club etiquette:

1) When going to a strip club if you have never been to one before and are uncertain about how you will react in a strip club, please try to avoid bragging about it. It is not Manly Man like to brag about the fact that you will go buck wild in a strip club, especially when you know that once there you will end up with "Mini - me" between your legs.

- Do not be proud about getting action at a strip club, they get paid for it, and if you are going to talk, back it up or else it just goes to show how full of poop you are.

2) Once in a strip club, please remember that strippers are people too. Treat them the way you would like to be treated. After all would you like people gawking at you when you work and making remarks like "Oh this is embarrassing! Let's get out of here!" or "I can't believe there are naked women around! Let's go home!".

- How you treat people and the respect you pay them at their workplace is a reflection on yourself as a person. These women are performing a vital service to all the lonely men (and women) out there. Without strippers, the suicide rate would be double. That's more than most people can say!

3) You do not need to get a lap dance in a strip club. However, do not keep a stripper busy all evening on the pretext that you will eventually spend some money on one.

- Would you like your day to be filled with people wasting your time and you not having anything to show for it? From past experience I know this can be painful. Don't be cheap and pretentious, if you want the girl to "bump n grind" pay the price!

4) When sitting near the stage for a dance, make a point to carry singles, so you give at least $1 to the girl on stage.

- Bottom line, if you are cheap at a strip club, you will never get laid. Women do not like cheap men. If you can't afford to spend $10 a strip club, you shouldn't be there.

5) Finally, and this is really more for your self preservation than anything else: Strippers do not want to date you. They do not like you. They definitely don't love you. They just want to get paid. Do them a favor and stop talking about the time you lost your job, or the time your ex-girlfriend dumped you.

I mean come on, there is a very hot, very naked girl in front of you. Pay the girl her $20 and shut up and let her do her job.

So there you have it, basic etiquette. Follow this and you will find every strip club experience to be a very pleasant and fulfilling one.

The Game

2009-04-29T10:27:00.000-07:00

I think Triple H's ring entrance music says it best:

"It's all about the game, and how you play it!
All about control, and if you can take it.
All about your debt, and if you can pay it.
It's all about pain, and who's gonna make it."

I mean sure we can get philosophical and discuss the game that is life (You lose, even when you win, you lose), you can be practical and even discuss the game that is your career (Welcome to 40 hours a week, 50 weeks a year for the next 40 years), or you can always discuss the farce that is the game of politics (Do you vote for the guy who got you in trouble, or the guy who has no clue how to get you out of trouble?).

Let's be honest, nothing is more important than the game played between Man and Woman.

Sure, it's cliched but the fact is, we've been playing this game a long time. It starts from childhood, all the way through adolescence (The first crush that you could never get!) into marriage (That's right, when she said she'd do that thing you always wanted her to do once you got married; she lied!) and finally retirement (Yup, Death ain't looking too bad right now is it?).

It's a never ending battle! As for the winner, well used to be that it was a stalemate.

That is until recently, in this day and age of technology women have an insurmountable edge. What with enhanced breasts, butts, lips, cheeks, etc. the competition just got taken up another notch.

It's gotten so bad that men are jumping on their bandwagon and getting sex changes to join the "winning" team.

Either way, you have to ask yourself "Why in gods (good) name are you even playing the game?"

I currently have one friend who is knee deep in the game. Funnily enough I believe she could win it without plastic surgery, but at the rate she's going (what with all the forced errors and hitting the panic button too early) we may just go into overtime and to win she may just require some last minute plastic surgery!

Then we have my colleague BWSP, he'd like to believe he is above the game. I'd go as far as to say he chooses not to acknowledge the existence of the game.
In the process, his game is a very passive one, which ends up with him portraying the image of a so called "Wise Sage" (He's scared of Pigeons! How wise can be?), resulting in the HCHHSSTT's finding themselves caught in the trap of the Sage. Amazingly enough this actually works for him, however I see very few people capable of pulling it off.

Then you have my old roommate. we shall refer to him as "Coffee". Now here is a man that plays the game. He plays the game religiously. He goes by the book, following all the rules, however it doesn't quite work out for him because he doesn't know how to make on the cuff decisions. When you play the game, you need to think on your feet. Going by the book is fine, but sometimes instinct wins out!

As for me, well I'd say I suck at the game, I panic. Yes! I'm a panicker. However, I'm a great Game Coach. Like they say, those who can't play; teach.

So why do we all play the game? I think it's basic dynamics, everybody wants to be on top. Doesn't matter if it's in life (You may die, but you do want to die rich), your career (everybody wants to retire as the boss) or politics (Black or White, might is right!).

So with that, I shall now dispense 5 basic rules you ought to follow to ensure you come out victorious:

1) In this day and age, people don't really call each other much and end up smsing. If you can avoid smsing, do it. You are better off making the call simply because you can tell a lot more from the tone of a voice than from an sms. However, before that it is in your best interest to get the girls number. (For women: Asking a guy for his number puts you on the defensive, but woohoo for the feminist movement right?)

2) If you initiate the first conversation, wait for the other person to initiate the second one. You do not want to be the one responsible for starting all the conversations. Nobody likes a needy person.

3) As a HCHHSSTT, it is in your interest to appear naive (but don't actually be naive). When a guy takes your number, he's interested in you. If he hasn't called you, its cause he dropped his two sidekicks along the way, and wants to pick them up before making a move.

All you have to do is play hard to get. Everybody wants what they can't have. Rule 101.

4) If you manage to get to a first date, as a guy you are allowed to compliment the girl a maximum of 3 times through the evening. Anything more and well it doesn't matter, there won't be a second date. Also, at the end of the first date, go for a kiss. It doesn't matter if there is a second date or not. You just paid for dinner, get something out of it man!

5) This is for both men and women; DO NOT PANIC! Those who are prone to panic attacks, end up shooting blanks... Literally!

So there you have it, five basic rules. Of course the game is played in multiple stages and just cause you win one stage, doesn't mean you'll win the entire thing. Eventually, somebody always gets hurt.

Just remember that it's a game and in the words of the wise MWA "If you stop having fun, you should stop playing".

My Wedding Plans

2009-04-28T10:02:00.000-07:00

So I attended a wedding this past weekend. A friend of mine from High School got married and insisted we come for the two day affair, three days if you include the "Bachelor" party. I of course being the rebel that I am refused to attend all three days, and eventually showed up for the "Bachelor" party and the first day. Completely missing out on the actual wedding.

Note: Indian Bachelor parties don't involve strippers of any kind. All you get are a bunch of dudes drinking and in this case three girls all of whom had boyfriends sipping on drinks watching the men dance with each other. Yes, all in all a very sordid event (Rest assured, I was not one of the before stated men).

Anyway, so my boy MWA (Mangie Wants to get Ass) and I figured that since we had to attend, we should focus on the positives: most Indian weddings have at least a few HCHHSSTT's (except they wear traditional Indian Clothing which really doesn't reveal much).

Once we arrived, MWA and I were surveying the scene and it occurred to me that as far as "wedding parties" go, this one was pretty simple and uninteresting.

Don't get me wrong, the groom did a fantastic job paying for everything. However, I realised I could've done a much better job with a similar or smaller budget.

So, this got me thinking about my wedding and what it would be.

Now, I know most of the time women plan the wedding, however when I get married, its my way or the highway.

So here are my plans to the perfect wedding:

Venue: I see myself having a "Christian" wedding, I can't really fathom myself doing the Hindu thing and seeing as no Islamic women would marry me in their right mind. Christian weddings are the way to go.

So, I'll keep this part simple and say the vows will be exchanged in a church and the reception will probably be done in a club (I don't wanna say strip club... but I am leaning towards it).

Dress Code: For men, the dress code is simple: Formal Relaxed. What is Formal Relaxed? Well, above the waist would be black tie; shirts, suit jacket and really big ties (really big!). Below the waist would be boxers. That's right boxers! I would even allow boxer briefs, but no briefs (for the record MWA had no clue what the difference was!). I believe in comfort, and if I want to be comfortable on my wedding day, everybody else should also be comfortable.

For women, the dress code can be whatever makes them an HCHHSSTT (I like to keep it simple).

Food: The only kinds of food that will be served will be finger foods. You know pizzas, hamburgers, hot dogs, french fries, etc. I have no problem with serving Indian Finger foods as well. As long as it's not messy and people can eat it on the move.

Drinks: Cheap alcohol. Yes, I'm cheap. But, lots of it!

Guests: The way I see it, I'd invite all the guys and my wife would only be allowed to invite women. Preferably women that the guy friends I invite would be able to flirt with. Obviously, I realise this would reduce the numbers attending. However, in the long run: quality over quantity (Saving money greater than all!).

Additionally, nobody over 40 allowed, except for my immediate family and the brides immediate family.

Decor: The reception hall would have a theme which depend on the last, but no less important factor.

Date: Either on St. Patricks Day or Halloween. The way I see it, those are two days I already enjoy celebrating, so why not double the effect. Imagine a St. Patricks day wedding! We'd have people wearing top hats and women dressed in short green dresses or on Halloween, the women could come as naughty nurses, or sexy policewomen, but I digress. The side effect of having the wedding on one of these dates is that I wouldn't forget my wedding anniversary.

We can't have it on Christmas or New Years since I like to keep those two separate, and let's face it. New Year Weddings are very cliched.

So, those are just a few of the things I'd do to ensure the ultimate wedding.

Now, I have to find a woman who would actually allow this!

LIfe is a Highway!

2009-04-19T11:00:00.000-07:00

Yes, I just ripped off a Tom Petty song, so sue me!

I just spent the last two hours trying to come up with something readable to write about. You see I actually had quite an interesting weekend, unfortunately it doesn't seem as interesting when I write about it! Does that make it not interesting?

Well I figure to make it simple, I'll let my ardent readers judge. I shall jot down the events and you my fellow fans can decide for yourself if you would wanna trade places with me:

1) Decided to get drunk on Friday and follow it up by hunting for Puff the Magic Dragon. In the end, got drunk and "smoked" Puff the Magic Dragon.

2) BWSP and I had the priviledge of watching some of our friends getting hounded by multiple characters who make Medusa look like Cindy Crawford. All the while had the additional pleasure of somebody playing "DJ" on my PC, and constantly switching tracks 30 sec's in. I swear this person is never getting laid. (Rule 101 - Those who switch before the tracks play out will pay the price by not getting laid. One year for every track!)

3) Got my bike back after a week at servicing and cosmetic surger. She had her Handle Bar changed. I would compare it to breast implants. Bigger is definitely Better! Allowing for more balance and much better handling!

4) I got to third base. This is always nice. Been a while too.

5) Decided on the spur of the moment to get a drink at an old haunt of ours on Saturday, only to discover it filled with people we knew. I even had the fortune of realising that women are indeed crazy and there is no accounting for taste. Also, Indian women are champions at settling for the first guy that buys them a ring. Well, a ring or a car.. either one.

6) Drove down to Lonavla at night. This is the first time I've driven 100+ Kilometers at night. Let me tell you, nothing quite like it. I've come to the conclusion that a) Indians don't realise their cars have two settings for the head lights and b) They are scared of the dark.

This would explain the fact that they constantly have their headlights on high! It's called a low beam! Learn it! Accept it! USE IT!

7) Got back at 6 AM from Lonavla, what should've been a three hour trip took only two hours. End result, BWSP has a concave ass and I lost possession of my family jewels. Also, for some reason people don't believe in being open at 6 AM and serving breakfast! What is this world coming too?

8) Watched the Chinese Grand Prix, was a little disappointing. Lamenting the fact that I'm missing the NBA playoffs for the third year running.

9) Reaffirmed the fact that I truly do not ever want to be stuck dating an Indian chick. This is an ongoing realisation.

10) Decided to take the bike out for a ride in the evening, was craving Kebabs so got me some of those. Also ended up taking a shower Au De Natural! Good times!

and finally

11) Spent 30 minutes talking to my sister where I was trying to convince her to get married to her boyfriend who is studying to be a lawyer. This way, I can go to her for handouts and also she ends up with a kid and names me the Godfather. She spent 30 minutes trying to convince me that she loved me. Don't think either of us got very far.

Well, that was my weekend in a nutshell. Between third base, Lonavla and Friday Night Drama. I'd like to think it was interesting. Amazingly enough, I still have a quart of Jack left.

Life is a Highway... I wanna ride it all night long.

Rules of Engagement

2009-04-13T09:36:00.000-07:00

I like to believe that I lead my life by a set of rules. Sometimes, the rules work in my favor and sometimes they don't. However, the rules do lead to a certain balance in my life. Wasn't the whole point of Buddhism to lead a life of balance?

Well, I figured I would list down some rules that I believe in and try follow as diligently as possible.

So here you go, my rules for you:

1) You should never get drunk around women that want to sleep with you but whom you want to avoid like the plague. It never bodes well for you. The resulting "lack of self esteem" leads to a heightened chance of committing suicide. Additionally, they aren't forgiving nor do they understand the concept of "It's was a mistake!"

2) Remember that "Beer Goggles" come with a price, it is in your best interest to stay sober when in a compromising situation. Trust me, you do not want to be caught making out with an Irish man's not so HCHHSSTT girlfriend. They are a violent people. Well, unless you have a death wish!

3) Do not ever offer to drop any women home when they are drinking at your place or even a friends place. The resulting irritation is not worth it and will lead to you losing 10 years of your projected life span. I predict that some of the people I know will be deceased by the year 2030.

4) Do not date Indian women, the drama is not worth it, unless she is a 10 on the HCHHSSTT scale. How do you know if she's a 10 on the scale? Trust me, you just know! This is for the same reason as stated in the above point. The 10 on the HCHHSSTT scale is worth it because the resulting loss of 10 years of your life is a fair trade.

5) When people try to emotionally bribe you, do not pay attention to them. It only result's in you doing things you know that will get you in trouble. I could expand on this, but a description of the event at mind is just a little too embarrassing. Let's just say that sometimes "it's just not worth it!". The emotional turmoil leads to less stress, than the resulting task!

6) Do not under any circumstance go to the airport after 6 PM in the evening, no matter who it is that is visiting you. Also avoid going to the airport before 10 AM. Airports are not happy places! Contrary to popular opinion, you do not pick up women at airports.

7) Avoid dating HCHHSSTT's at work. If you need an explanation, you are already in trouble. Nuff said!

8) Regardless to what doctors and specialists of all kinds say. It is vital you spend at least 1 weekend a binge month drinking with friends. The resulting idiocracy ensures you stay young for years to come.

9) While this is cliched and repeated. It is very very important, make a point to eat the following meats as much as possible: Beef, Pork, Mutton (goat meat) and lamb! You live once, eat what you can! Gluttony may not be appreciated, but it's better than starving yourself on grass! And No! I am not referring to the kind you smoke up.

Well those are just a few of my important rules to follow. Sure, you can always add exercise, diet, not smoking, etc. But really what does that do for you?

These are my rules, they keep me balanced and I predict I'll live on till the ripe age of 35! Join the movement! Zaevism is here to stay!

Whats in a guilty pleasure?

2009-04-01T12:49:00.000-07:00

All of us have a guilty pleasure of some sort.

I mean let's face it, some people might take bread sticks and dip it in mayo while watching late night showings of Grey's Anatomy (you know who you are!) and others will probably go shopping for lingerie that their parents or church groups would denounce them for wearing.

Let's not forget those guys that spend drunken nights watching Sex and the City with their numerous female friends and of course you can never forget the people that watch porn because they enjoy it (You are not watching it for the stories! Stop lieing to yourself!). Then you have the strip club frequenters (Yes, they do love you and want to marry you! MUAHAHAHA!). We shouldn't forget about those that get drunk Friday nights, play a FIFA '08 tournament, win said tournament and then lie to their significant others about being at work till the wee hours of the morning.

I just realised this list is endless and I could go on and on... but I won't.

Anyway, the point is that everybody has something they do that is basically a "Guilty" pleasure. Now how would most people define a "Guilty" pleasure? Well it's something you enjoy doing but you feel bad about. I could use guilty instead of bad, but I've been told you should never use the word you want to define in a definition.

Now I've done tons of stuff that I enjoy and I spend large parts of the day telling myself I don't feel guilty about doing them. Yes, I'm a very convincing liar.

I shall now list down just 3 of my "Guilty" pleasures (Why? Because it's my blog and I can?):

1) Watching shows like Beauty and the Geek and America's Next Top Model: In all honesty Beauty and the Geek has to be the funniest show on T.V. The women are the ultimate male HCHHSSTT fantasy and dumb to boot. Though sometimes I think they do it more to get the attention.

The Geeks, well, let's just say I can relate to them. Hell I could probably get on the show. I may not be a very smart Geek, but I am definitely a Geek (Video games, comics, cartoons, blogging - Nuff Said).

2) Revving the throttle of my bike in front of attractive (and sometimes not so attractive) women: While this is definitely the most lame thing I do, and completely goes against the code of being a "Biker Dude". It is something that trully gives me pleasure. Unforunately for me, it has gotten me into embarassing situations. Such as stalling of said bike in front of an HCHHSSTT.

I can understand why Suzzanne would feel a little jealous. However, it is something I doubt I'll ever stop. Hmmm... Kinda like the way I'll never stop checking out an HCHHSSTT even when I'm married. But I digress... a lot...

and finally

3) Writing a blog: I have to admit, after all these months I definitely do get a certain joy from writing about myself and my not so ludicrous thoughts (as well as those of my friends).

It's not even about getting famous anymore or meeting an HCHHSSTT. It's more because I've realised I suck at keeping in touch with my friends and so I finally found a way to let them know I'm alive.

Sure not everybody is interested in the Lifestyle of the broke and not so ludicrous, but hey for those that actually do want to know. This one is for you!

The truth is, I'm all about "Guilty" pleasures. In fact I believe without the guilt, a lot of the pleasure vanishes. I mean come on, how many of us take pleasure in the fact that we work 40 hours a week? Oh wait, or how about that time you decided to go grocery shopping. So much pleasure right??

So what's in a Guilty pleasure? Everything. The more the better, just don't kill anybody. I don't need that on my conscience.

Writing a book

2009-03-26T10:34:00.001-07:00

Last night, I was laying in bed and trying to get to sleep. Lately though I've started listening to music before I fall asleep. The problem with this is, that I generally can't sleep until the entire playlist is done. Yes, I know it's kind of ironic that the music I listen to so I can fall asleep is the same music that keeps me awake. Anyway, I digress. So there I was trying to fall asleep when this random thought passed my mind.

Now as far as random thoughts go, this wasn't as random as the thought of me dropping a piano on my sisters head from a four story building. It probably isn't as random as the thought of becoming the first Indian Astronaut to play golf on Pluto.

No this random thought was basically me thinking about writing a book. I would like to take this opportunity to blame these kind of thoughts on my mother who is determined to push me into the field of writing. So anyway, since the thought had popped into my head and since I couldn't get to sleep I decided to entertain it for a bit.

The first question that came to my mind was "What the hell would I write about?". I can't really write anything serious because well let's face it, it would turn out to be pure drivel. I could try to write about fiction since I enjoy books like Lord of the Rings, The Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, etc. Unfortunately, my imagination sucks. The only thing my imagination is good for is imagining a naked HCHHSSTT doing a very seductive strip tease on the imaginary stripping pole in my bedroom and basically making my day. I'm almost a hundred percent sure nobody wants me to write about that. So there I was stuck before I even started.

Then it occurred to me! Why not write a book about 101 way's to lose an HCHHSSTT. After all I feel that I have enough experience in this field. Not necessarily because it's all happened to me, but also because I know enough people that happen to be "dating challenged". Here are just five points that I thought I'd bring up:

1) Do not ever on any condition listen to Sri Lankan best friends that believe they know everything there is to know about women by reading online articles!

2) Do not ever on any condition listen to Indian best friends that believe they know everything there is to know about women by reading "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus".

3) Whatever you do, do not bring up any jokes that end with you saying "Don't worry! I promise to stalk you!" (Sigh, yes not the highlight of my life!).

4) Do not ever try to hit on two different women that are best friends one after the other. Especially when you lack the sexual competency of Hugh Hefner, Hugh Jackman or Hugh Grant.

and finally...

5) Whatever you do, and this is very important my dear ardent readers, DO NOT ever get drunk, make out with an engaged chick and hope that her best friend will find that "Hot".

So, I think I may have the beginnings of something good here. Then again, I'm sure somebody else has probably beaten me to the punch.

C'est La Vie.

Inner Child

2009-03-25T10:29:00.000-07:00

You remember the time when you were say 12 years old and you went to the supermarket and were yearning for some chocolate and your Mom said "It's either the chocolate or dinner!"?

Or how about that new pen you wanted because you were finally going to start writing with a pen and no longer have to use a pencil but your Mom said "You are not buying a new expensive pen, when you can use my (cheap) ball point pen?

Or what about that time when you were 15 and went out with your friends and your Mom gave you enough cash to play any one arcade game or you could get a burger from BK (Burger King)? You couldn't do both!

If you didn't have a single one of those moments, then well sorry but you didn't really have much of a childhood!

See, I remember all those times. I always thought they would leave me scarred for life. Fact is, they've actually made me appreciate the finer things in life.

The other day BWSP, Wishy Washy (another colleague) and myself were feeling nibbly, so we decided we'd go get some grub off the street. We settled on Ice cream. Wishy Washy decided to get ice cream on a stick and quite enjoyed his first one. However, he still felt nibbly after that and decided to grab one more ice cream on a stick. Now, I must add there is nothing quite like ice cream on a stick. Nuff Said!

So there he was, licking away quite gleefully I might add, at his ice cream when suddenly disaster struck. The ice cream fell of the stick! By the way half the fun when eating ice cream on a stick is to make sure you finish it before it melts and falls. However I digress.

Let me tell you, the look on the poor boys face when that ice cream fell. Sigh, I could feel his pain. After all its Ice cream on a stick! The poor boy (he's 24 years old and going strong!) had a look of such pain and horror on his face. Truly, it looked as if he was about to shed a tear. The 6 year old in him must've been bawling.

Then it finally occurred to him, the best part about getting older is you probably have a job that pays you. The 6 year old in Wishy Washy was staring out at us with joy and happiness!

You can finally do what you want! It doesn't matter if it's another ice cream on a stick, a new expensive pen, chocolates from the supermarket, arcade games and a burger. Hell, you can even get that HCHHSSTT at the bar the drink of her choice!

When you get older, your Inner Child finally gets everything he dreamed about. Trust me, the look on Wishy Washy's face said it all as he got to eat his third ice cream on a stick for the day.

What's in a routine?

2009-03-21T08:53:00.000-07:00

I'd like to believe that I am an exciting person, I'm a person that is all about doing at least one thing a day that is crazy and wacky. After all I'm spontaneous, bubbling to the brim with life, forever filled with a sense of excitement and adventure. Let's face it, danger is my middle name.

Sigh, Like I said it's what I'd like to believe.

In fact I think we all like to believe that we're all individuals that do what we want, when we want. Unfortunately, we are all just slaves to routine.

You can disagree all you want, but it doesn't matter how you look at it.

My colleague "BWSP" claims he chooses to do what he does. He chooses to do the following tasks every morning of every day for God only knows how many years: Brush teeth, make coffee, pull up on a chair, grab newspaper, sip on coffee, read newspaper. This goes on for at least an hour.

I myself wake up every morning, play some music, brush my teeth, take a dump and follow it up with a shower.

There are other routines I have, like taking a small break everyday at work around 5 PM, taking a smoke break every day after "Dinner" which by the way needs to take place regularly at 9 PM. It doesn't even matter that I generally don't have any "dinner" and just end up snacking on whatever junk our canteen passes for food. Hell, I don't even smoke. Yet, everyday without fail BWSP and I carry out this process of "Dinner" and smoke. In his defense, he actually does eat dinner and he does smoke.

What I've realised is scary about everything is that I'll wake up one morning after 20 years that I just spent the entire time doing the exact same thing every morning. That my ardent readers is a scary thing.

So, whats the point of this entire post? Nothing really, I just wanted to make all of you realise that maybe you all aren't as spontaneous as you'd like to believe. Yes, I can be very cruel.

So when you wake up 20 years from now, just know that I warned you.

Midnight Snack Etiquette

2009-03-20T09:27:00.001-07:00

I'd like to believe we live in a civilized world. A world where common sense prevails, a world where people act with common decency, a place with a sense of etiquette. A time where the common populace believes in something called "manners".

However, most recently my belief was shattered! Nay! Not shattered but ripped out of my guts and trampled on. To have this belief ripped out in such a harsh cruel way left me oh so saddened and longing for some kind of relief.

What or who was behind the loss of faith that I had for my fellow man? Well I won't say who, but I will tell you the events leading upto the ripping out of the guts.

Assume it was a pleasant night, the stars were shining, the wind rustling in the air, the dirt and allergens rising into your nostrils. It was a good night, and it was a night to celebrate. So there we were celebrating the night away. Some celebrating more than others.

I'd like to believe that I'm a very carefree person. I'd like to believe that I'm patient, understanding and generous. In fact, I think I'm generous to a fault, and this was proven true on this very night that we were celebrating away.

It started with me sitting in a dark room, sipping on a tall glass of barley brew. When without my knowledge, a pack of rats invaded my kitchen and unbeknownst to me made straight for my mini fridge. Unfortunately, they did not stop at sipping on the beverages that were inside the mini fridge. After all that would be acceptable on a night that was being celebrated away.

Nay! They went straight for the edible goodies and filled themselves to the brim. That still is acceptable. What trully made me lose my belief in all things decent isn't the fact that the pack of rats got to the kitchen, raided my mini fridge and devoured my small stack of edible goodies (Which I was saving for a cold winter, that is about to start in 4 - 6 hours).

Nope, what made me lose all hope is the fact that all this was done under subterfuge. Not once did the pack of rats ask for permission to raid the fridge. Some people would say I'm being a stickler. However, I'd like to believe that if I ever was a rat that had to raid a kitchen, I would have the common decency to say "Please Sir, May I raid that fridge?".

Sigh, T'is indeed a time for mourning. People wonder why there are wars? Why there is famine? Well, this is why! If everybody asked before they grabbed, if they took a minute to pause and ponder that maybe just maybe the concept of "asking" trully is what seperates us from animals. Well, I would imagine fewer wars, fewer famines and packs of rats not raiding my fridge.

On the flip side, somebody should really come up with protocol when dealing with the Midnight Snack Etiquette. Maybe just maybe, I will come up with something. After all, it means a better world for all.

Stuff

2009-03-11T12:51:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to post for a while, but I just find that I either never have the time or the inclination. It's pretty depressing. However, now I find I have the time and the inclination, so here goes!

So this was a pretty busy weekend for me, I managed to get some work done on Suzzanne! Nothing serious, just opened up the muffler so now she really roars, also picked up a new handle bar but need to have that installed. Hopefully, this weekend will be a good time for that.

The problem with spending 6 hours of the day out in the sun getting work done on your bike is that after a hard night of drinking, it can really tire the body out and I ended up spending Saturday night sleeping in bed.

However, Sunday was a different story and while I won't get into details. Let's just say that I found it pretty overwhelming a night.

I found out that people think that I'm unsatisfied with my life and think it really sucks. Don't get me wrong, there are parts of my life I am unsatisfied with, but then isn't that what makes us human? The striving to improve our lives? However, I know for a fact that my life doesn't suck.

Let's face it I've got some really awesome friends out there (they may not be in India, doesn't mean they aren't around!). I'm also not the kind of person that is doing something because that's what the world expects me to do or be. Let's face it life doesn't suck when you dance to your own beat. No matter how little rhythm you may have.

Also, why is it people assume that you are unhappy and feel the need to complain? Why can't they realise that sometimes, you actually are at peace with the world.

Another thing, why do women think that you are interested in them all the time? Whatever happened to having a simple conversation without being interested in someone? This is what leads me to my next two - three sentences which is sure to draw the ire of more than one of my ardent readers, I'm going to go ahead and say them:

1) I refuse to ever volunteer my services to drop any girl home late at night. No matter how drunk. While it seems very un-Manly Man like, trust me when I say it's best for everybody.

2) This is the clincher, and I'm sure it may come back to bite me in the ass but I'm going to go ahead and say it "I refuse to date Indian women!". Let's face it, they have some serious issues. I could go into it, but whats the point? The only Indian woman I'll ever date has to be a 10 on the HCHHSSTT scale and really freaky in bed. Otherwise, it's just not worth it

Ok that was more than two - three but you get my drift.

Well two more day's till the weekend. Let's hope this one is more interesting and less stupid than the last one. Did this turn out to be goddamn diary entry? I think I may have to re evaluate my blog from the next post on!

I R BORING

2009-03-04T08:06:00.000-08:00

I've realised that I am a very shallow person. Ok that is not true. I've always known I'm a very shallow person. Let's face it I ain't pretty but the fact that I refuse to settle for some ugly chick, well that makes me shallow! Honestly, I'm fine with that!

The scary part is, I'm also aware of how "little" I have to offer. In other words how boring I can be.

I have all these friends, and they all have so much to talk about: Music, Art, Fashion, Current Events, etc. I obviously don't know jack squat about any of these things. Sure, I could start reading a News Paper and catch up on Current events, but what's the fun in that!

I have a colleague who we call BWSP and he knows all about bikes, books, music, art, etc, I have another colleague who is an encyclopedia on food, wine and other spirits.

I have a Mom who reads the news paper every day, loves Jazz Music, knows how to paint and various artists. I could go on, but why bother! I have a brother who loves Music, Politics, Current Events, etc. Hell, he can even go to a strip club and get a stripper to converse with him for hours on end on subjects that are most inane!

It's shameful how little I have to offer, I mean apart from video games, sex and sports, I draw a blank on all other topics. By the way if you aren't feeling sorry for me yet, you should be! I sure am!

I think the day it dawned on me how "boring" I am is when I realised that I tend to find most women I speak to really dumb. Now ofcourse there are two possibilities:

1) The women I speak to are actually very dumb!

2) I am just too boring to interest them.

I believed in the first reason for a long time, problem is it's not possible that I'm constantly meeting only dumb women. I mean isn't there a law of averages at work somewhere?

So, now I'm starting to think maybe I'm the boring one.

You know on second thought, screw that! I blame it on the dumb women I've been meeting. After all how can anybody that loves cartoons, comics, sex, sports and rides a bike be boring??

Sex... what is it good for???

2009-03-03T08:43:00.000-08:00

The other day, I was talking to a colleague and no it wasn't BWSP (Batman Wannabe Scared of Pigeons!). It was another colleague, and yes it is amazing how many of my colleagues like discussing sex.

Anyway there we were taking a "smoke" break. Mind you I don't smoke, I just enjoy the break and the incessant chatter that always goes with it. Sigh, there I go digressing again. Ok back to the topic at hand. So we were taking a smoke break and we were discussing some of our friends and how long it's been since any of them got laid with an HCHHSSTT and how frustrated they all were. Through the discussion we realised that really we need to come up with the concept of "Pity" sex.

Now I call it "Pity" sex, well because... it's Pity sex!

Pity sex basically entitles those people that have either never gotten laid, or haven't gotten any action for a long period of time (say 2 years) to basically approach any one of the opposite sex and say "Lets go do the horizontal bop-sho-bop!". The person who has been approached cannot refuse unless they have a really good reason. Oh! the old standby of "I have an headache!" or "Sorry, My boyfriend is jealous" just doesn't cut it here. Sometimes, you have to take one for the greater good!

Now I know, you think this is just not done! People shouldn't just be allowed to get Pity sex, after all there are hookers / gigolos out there for everybody!

Well let's just face it, paid sex doesn't really do much for self esteem.

The fact of the matter is, if Pity sex was available to people, the world would be a much better place.

Imagine if Hitler got some Pity sex from some Jewish chick, you really think he would've tried to kill all the Jews?

Sheesh! Osama wouldn't have claimed Jihad if he just got some Pity sex! I mean really the 100 virgins when you go to heaven? Most Jihadians (Yes, they are a different kind of people in my mind!) would take Pity sex over the possibility of 100 virgins in heaven! (They are stupid and naive, but not that naive).

The 10 year war between the Greeks and Trojans was over sex. One guy was getting it, the other was denied.

My point is war would be near obsolete with Pity sex around. After all, how many times have you picked a fight with some Guido in the bar just to get laid?

Sigh, imagine a world without war. Pity sex, fixes all your problems and ours!

Tis is a happy day!

2009-02-26T08:53:00.000-08:00

So today is indeed a happy day. It's not because my loser of a brother turned 33. Well partly it is. But it's primarily because today I found out that I'm going to be a God Father!

That's right! God Father! Imagine me... a God Father! I've already decided I shall be the coolest God Father ever. I shall teach the kid about comic books (Superman, Batman, Green Lantern, Wonder Woman!), motorbikes and HCHHSSTT's.

If he's a boy than I'll teach him to be a Manly Man! I'll teach him the finer points of playing video games, convince him to learn and instrument so we can start a band, so much to do.. so little time!

If the baby is a girl, I shall teach her to avoid non Manly Men and also teach her 101 ways to not become a brat like my younger sister. (Sigh, unfortunately I wasn't around in the formative years and my younger sister turned out to be a really big brat. She's a lovable brat, but a brat nonetheless.)

So besides teaching my awesome God Child about all this stuff, I plan on getting him or her their first tattoo as well! Sure, the parents may not be too happy, but lets face it, they knew what to expect when they made me the God Father! (No taking it away from me now! Too late!).

All in all, I'm really happy today my bro turned 33, my best friend got his wifey(who is a very awesome chick!) pregnant and named me the God Father. It's a good day indeed.

Oh by the way, I still have a couple more best friend that are yet to get married and have kids! Once they get done, I'll have an army of God Children!

Together, we shall either start a band or take over the world!

Michael Corleone who???

My First Loser

2009-02-25T11:48:00.000-08:00

So, I've known this person for a long time. A really long time.

After all the time that I've known them, there is only one word which aptly describes em. If you don't believe me, trust me you will after I'm done.

All they ever did was harass me. In fact if I didn't know better, I'd think God put them on this planet just to be the bane of my existence. It started with the mindless jokes, followed by the physical harassment and finally completed with a ton mental battery. If I had any sense I should just sue em.

I mean lets face it, only a loser would pinch a baby and make him cry and then try and blame it on some imaginary person in the room (I say imaginary... because there was nobody else there!).

They follow up feats as amazing as this by picking on me in front of all my friends when I was a wee little toddler and couldn't defend myself against bullies. Refusing to share toys with me, unless I begged. I literally had to get on my hands and knees.

Did I mention I was the test subject for all the wrestling moves seen on TV? By the way, the sharp shooter kinda hurt! Oh and who makes fun of a twenty year old virgin! I mean come on! where is the damn sympathy!

To this day I'm regaled with stories of their amazing achievements, such as getting laid at the tender age of 17, being the fastest runner in school until a bad ankle knocked em out. Oh did I mention all the same repetitive music I had to listen too. I say repetitive cause apparently remixing my favorite music is the only way to go!

I could go on, but whats the point? You get the gist of it. You are probably saying to yourself "Nobody can commit such heinous acts of treachery against a Manly Man as awesome as Zaev!". Well believe it! It's all true.

You're probably asking yourself right now "Doesn't this person have anything good going for em?"

I would have to think really hard and I guess I could think of a few. Stuff like buying me whatever I wanted whenever the cash was available, being the best role model while I was young, showing me what it's like to be a Manly Man at the very tender age of 17 and I guess some how or the other whenever I need someone or something, this person comes through.

Sigh... So maybe they aren't all bad... maybe.

Today is the 26th of Feb, and well this person just turned 33. What do I get someone who turned 33 and could use a lot of things? Well, I'm broke so he'll have to settle for a blog post about him that was way overdue.

Let's face it, he may be a Loser but he's MY OLDER BROTHER OF A LOSER! And I'll always love him especially since I know that deep down somewhere I'm still his favourite little brother.

Happy Birthday Dada.

Decisions, Decisions..... Decisions!

2009-02-23T08:09:00.000-08:00

I have to admit, I do find it a little ironic. I started as a daily blogger, matured into a weekly poster, and ended up becoming a monthly updater.

I've received a lot of feedback on how I should be posting more regularly and well believe it or not, I've been busy. If I'm not working, I'm out drinking, if I'm not out drinking I'm at home watching T.V. on my bed and lets face it typing while laying flat on your back is as dangerous as drinking water when laying down.

So obviously, you my avid readers have read the titles of my and are asking what are these decisions that need to be made?

Well to make things easier, and because I just like making lists; Let us start a list and hopefully writing them out will allow me the insight I need to make these decisions.

1) Are females better or worse than men at cock blocking?

Okay this per-se is not a decision, but it is an interesting question! Ask yourself, how many times in recent history have any of your female friends hooked you up with one of their "hot" female friends? (This question is for guys really, unless you are a girl and play for the other team). Let's face it, this rarely happens!

This past week I went out with this woman who refused to let our mutual guy friend meet her female friend. Only when I labelled her a "cock-blocker" did she relent and start feeling guilty! The way I see it, with guys, I know what I'm getting (A cock blocking bastard!). With women not only will they cock block but they'll actually try to hook you up with their ugly friends!

I have a feeling this is because all women that befriend guys, befriend them out of the need for "guy attention", and once you start dating a "hot" friend of theirs... Well you won't be giving them any attention.

DECISION: Women are definitely worse cock blockers than guys.

2) The next decision I need to make is slightly more serious. It's a career decision.

The other day I was sitting at work and looking at a colleagues presentation and it dawned on me. I am not cut out for this line of work. Basically I'm not cut out for anything related to management, marketing, business structure, advertising, etc, etc. I can go on, but you get the point. It's not that I'm not good. I am good, I'm just not interested and hence I'll never be great, and while I may not appear to care, I do yearn for greatness!

The problem is, what am I cut out for? Now some people (namely my MOM!) have told me that I should take up writing. Problem is, I don't want to become a copywriter or have anything to do with advertising. That leaves me with journalism. Since the only section of a newspaper I'll ever read is the sports section, that leaves me with just sports journalism. Since the only sport I avidly follow is Basketball... well you get the point! The options are so limited.

The other options are, doing voice overs for people. Specifically cartoon's. Again something not easy to break into. Acting, definitely something I would like to do. Except I don't think I can handle that kind of rejection. Let's face it... Brad Pitt I am not!

So you see where my problem lies? I need to make a decision, but am in no position to do so.

DECISION: Quit my Job and join a travelling circus as the Circus Strong Man / Resident Superhero.

3) Should I cock block a friend or not?

It's been a while since I've gotten some. I believe this has to do with the recession. Since people are getting fired left and right, there are fewer women out there and hence I am getting less play. This may not necessarily be true but it's a very convenient excuse right now.

So there are these two women that came to my apartment the other day along with a colleague from work. Now one of the women happened to hook up with a pretty good friend of mine. So I don't hold a grudge against him. In fact I am all for him getting "some".

The problem arises with the second girl who spent the evening speaking to either me or the colleague (I say colleague because I don't know him well enough, and I really rather not give him naming credits in my blog).

Now, ideally I could go in cock blazing and block the road for him simply by not letting either into my apartment ever again. This is the easy and most obvious choice. While I may end up shooting myself in the foot, what they do outside of my apartment is not my problem and personally what I don't know - doesn't hurt me.

However, as a Manly Man I should take the higher road and help them out. (By the way the reason I'm not in the game for the girl is simple, I didn't take her number. This was a decision made by me, and as such I stand by it)

So what should I do here? Let the guy get the girl? or cock block while in my apartment?

DECISION: COCK BLOCK ALL THE WAY!

Note: All Manly Men are allowed to cock block 3 times in a lifetime. This is just how it is. It's what makes us MEN!

Cooking and Movies!

2009-02-02T08:58:00.000-08:00

So after two years in Bombay, I've finally started cooking. Sure, some people say boiling sausages, frying eggs, making sandwiches does not equate to cooking.

I mean really? First of all, making a sandwich isn't easy, first you gotta take out the bread, then spread the mayo, then you have the salami and the hot sauce and this doesn't even include using mustard! Bottom line, I choose to ignore them.

So, this weekend I spent cooking and watching movies. Sure, it may sound boring to most people, but let's face it; this is what broke people to do.

So I've decided to give all my readers out there a quick list of top 10 movies from 2008 that you should make a point to watch. They aren't in any order, just make sure you watch them all.

1) Kung Fu Panda: Easily one of the best animated movies I've ever seen. I mean it's a Panda, that does Kung Fu! Think Karate Kid meets Beverly Hills Ninja.

2) Zack and Miri make a Porno: I know that every guy wishes they were Zack.

3) Wall - E: Ok, another really good animated movie. Also, how can you say anything bad about a movie where the lead characters can only say two things "WALLL EEEEEEE" and "EEEE-VVVAAA"

4) Slumdog Millionaire: I generally tend to view all movies coming from Bollywood or made by people in Bollywood with a very critical eye. Having said that, this movie does not have any of your usual Bollywood song and dance (THANK GOD!), and is actually very well thought out and the acting is also really good. Also, their representation of India is actually very accurate.

5) RocknRolla: A Guy Ritchie movie that's been a long time coming. Also, Thandie Newton is looking reallly fine in this one.

6) Tropic Thunder: Ben Stiller, Jack Black, Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Cruise. The fact that I didn't realise Tom Cruise even played a part in the movie is a testimony to the brilliant job done by him.

7) Iron Man: I've never been a big Marvel fan, but Iron Man actually won me over with an action packed movie, and once again Robert Downey Jr. killed it.

8) Transformers: I mean come on! Giant Robots that transform into cars and blow shit up. My only peeve about this movie is that they didn't give Optimus Prime the respect he deserves (Yes, yes... I'm a nerd! By the way I've just written a top 10 movie list and you are reading it. Trust me, I'm a nerd and so are you!).

9) Knocked Up: Ok, technically this movie came out in 2007, but since I only watched it in 2008 I'm putting it here. Also, I'm at the bottom of my list and really couldn't think of anything that deserved to take the place of this one. I mean what better way to get a hot chick to spend the rest of her life with you than to knock her up! Classic! I actually had a friend that suggest I do this. The friend was female, nuff said!

10) The Dark Knight: Yes, I saved the best for last. Let's face it Heath Ledger killed it. Christian Bale was well Christian Bale and anybody is an improvement over Katie Holmes.

So there you go, that's my must watch list of movies from 2008 (give or take a month!), also these are best watched when either eating Hot Dog's, Cheese Omelette's or Salami Sandwiches!

Christmas, Panchgini, New Years and BBQ's!

2009-01-01T00:27:00.000-08:00

It's Jan 1 2009. The last week was a really busy week, and I don't mean from a work standpoint. In fact, I've realised that I'm the most distracted person in the month of December and going forward I shall always make sure I take my leaves in the last two weeks of December! That is probably my New Years Resolution!

So Christmas was spent at home, Christmas eve however was spent getting drunk on wine with some friends. That was interesting. I've never really gotten drunk on wine. It's definitely not the same thing as getting drunk on beer. I'm still trying to figure out which one leaves me with a worse hangover. It's a hard decision, somebody needs to run a poll on this! In fact, why haven't there been studies on which drink leaves you with the worst hangover? Or have there and I just don't know about it? If there has been, somebody should've informed me a long time ago. These are things that people need to know!

I then spent the last weekend of December 2008 in Panchgini / Mahableshwar (spelling??). My advice to everyone out there, no matter how old you are, man or woman, buy / rent a bike and take a road trip. A nice long road trip. In my opinion, nothing better to clear the head and to make you feel like your living. Trust me between the numb hands, snot flying from your nose, tears streaming down your eyes, you humming "life is a highway.. I wanna ride it all night long" and the sore ass from five hours of riding, you'll know you are alive! In your face Descartes!

Well, it's finally 2009 and this years New Years eve was definitely better than last years. I didn't get too drunk, but I was drunk enough...

In fact I was also drunk on the eve to New Years eve, went for a BBQ. The crazy part was I was the oldest person there! All the women were 19 or 20, and the next oldest person was 24. Yep, definitely an interesting feeling being the old man in a crowd. By the way, stay away from a drink called FENNY! It's evil! No, wait! It's beyond evil! Satan wouldn't want to have anything to do with it!

All in all I think 2008 was a pretty cool year. Added some moments to my top 3 moments ever. Definitely feel like I've grown up a little (very very little!), but it's still progress.

Now, we find out what 2009 has in store for me. I wish to leave you with a few words:

"Maybe I just want to fly
I want to live I don't want to die
Maybe I just want to breath"

Happy New Year!

A day in the life of a 26 year old...

2008-12-23T10:35:00.001-08:00

I can't explain why, but for some reason I have a good feeling about this year. Generally when I turn older, I'm filled with a lot of negative energy. I worry about aging and how I'll never do all the things I want to set out too.

Honestly, I thought this year was going to be worse. But something happened, something occurred and I can't quite place my finger on it, but it filled me with a sense of ... well... contentment and security. It could've been finding out I have some pretty good friends (though I still question this a lot! You know who you are!), it could've been remembering how much my family cares for me (Yes, my devil incarnate Lil Sister as well), or maybe it was just growing a year older.

I'm not sure what it is, but I really have a good feeling about this year. Now, I hope I didn't just jinx it, but hey wouldn't you be bragging if you felt good about turning 26 as well? Of course, it will be interesting to see how long this feeling lasts. If it lasts up until the 2nd of Jan, I'll consider it a success.

So, with this new feeling boiling up within me I decided to make a few changes. Of course nothing as drastic as joining the gym. More along the lines of modifying Suzzanne. Something I've been meaning to do for months but have either been lazy or just not had the cash for. Now modifying Suzzanne will be a 3 phase project.

Phase 1: Getting rid of the backseat and making her a single seater. I believe since she's my bike and since I abhor sharing my things. The best way to stop myself from giving rides to people (especially those that I don't like!) is to simply remove the rear seat. Now in the process, she looks so much better. Now she looks cleaner, sleeker and oh so much sweeter. Of course this also helps me avoid getting into trouble. Let me tell you, the kind of trouble you can get into with a rear seat, well I'm just happy it's gone.

As for Phase 2 and 3, well I'll discuss them in other posts as they.

Of course Phase 1 pretty much took up my entire day and hence let me feeling pretty good about day one of my 26th year. Not even having my helmet stolen could dampen my spirits. Truth be told I've been meaning to change my helmet for a while. I think this was a sign.

Finally, thank you all that wished me and remembered my Birthday. Those of you that didn't wish me or remember, well there is always next year.

My First post of my 26th year!

2008-12-21T20:17:00.000-08:00

This gift is from my darling Mom, Didi and Dada (Alan!).

http://in.youtube.com/watch?v=lGQwIqljhic

Enjoy!

Thanks for all the best wishes people!

Counting down.... 3... 2... 1....

2008-12-21T07:41:00.000-08:00

So three hours left before I turn 26. To think I'm actually turning 26 tonight / tomorrow. I've heard its all downhill from here. I'm doing my best to not believe that, but so far I'm failing miserably. Anyway, I thought I'd list down all the stuff I feel I've accomplished and maybe a few lessons I learnt this year. Of course they won't be in any particular order, but it should be interesting if I can come up with at least 10.

So here goes:

1) Bought my first Bike / Car : Ok, down payments are a bitch! However, the monthly installments are pretty low. Maintenance and gas can also be a little irritating. Is it worth it? So far the bike hasn't gotten me laid, but I have a feeling that's more my shortcoming than my bikes. All said and done, she's awesome and I'm glad I bought her.

2) Learnt to drive a Bike / Car : Ok, so some of you may consider this cheating, but really I don't. I actually can't believe that I had to wait till I was 25 to get my license. Something always came in the way before that.

3) Made a bunch of new friends, lost a bunch of old ones : So, yeah this was a funny year with regard to friends. I feel maybe I've changed a lot and well bottom line is a lot of friends that I've known for a while, well guess we just all went our different ways. On the flip side a couple of new ones. One of them would be BWSP (Batman Wannabe Scared of Pigeons!) and definitely a few others. You know who you are.

4) My Lil Sister : I found out that I can finally connect with my Lil sister again, this took me over a year to get done. I'm glad we managed to work things out.

5) Failures : This was the year of numerous failures, but in retrospect, the weren't all bad. Thing's could definitely have been a lot worse than they were. And after all what are failures except instances to learn from right? Or so we keep telling ourselves that. Well I'd like to think I'm a better man for them. I'm probably not, but I can always hope.

6) Reading comics : So I managed to read a whole ton of Comics this year, I feel that's definitely an accomplishment. I mean I read the entire Death of Superman series, Batman : Cataclysm, the Justice League of America Series and so many more.

7) Stupidity : In bed with a girl and calling out another girl's name. Hilariously Stupid.

8) Dad : Thanks, took you a while, but it's nice having him back in my life. In some form or the other.

9) Moments : This year, two things happened that entered my Top 3 moments ever. And none of them involved sex. Insane!

10) Craziness : I saw a 60 year old hitting on a 20 year old at a bar. That was craziness... they were asking each other homogeneous questions! What the hell is homogeneous???

See, told you, I'd struggle to come to ten! There is one more thing, it's not a lesson, not an accomplishment. It's just a wakening realization that there is hope for all of us out there in this crazy world. It's not necessarily a bright beacon, but it's there. I've also realised that my posts have turned into ramblings.

After recapping, It wasn't a bad year. I may not be a millionare superhero yet... but hey at least I'm on my way somewhere. A wise person reminded me of something: It's not getting to the goal that matters. The goal is actually the journey. Enjoy the journey and you'll have gotten to your goals.

So with that I bid thee adieu. Guess what!?! The next time I post I'll be 26. Woohoo!

Need Not.. Want Not... Waste Not.

2008-12-17T11:57:00.000-08:00

You ever wonder if we got all the things we wished for, would it really make us happier? Or would we just end up wanting more and end up in a perpetual state of depression?

I recently got something I've been hoping for, it's something I've been thinking off for a while. Well, after I got it I wondered, maybe it was a mistake? Maybe I was better off without it? Maybe because I got it, things would be different? Not necessarily in a bad way, but just different. Maybe, I'd even end up more despondent than before?

I wonder maybe I'm not so happy now that I got it. I ask my self so many questions! Questions that earlier did not eat at me as much. What's worse is, I know I want more now, and I'm so sure I won't get any more.

Some would conclude that what I got was given to me by mistake. That maybe I didn't even deserve it. Of course, I'd like to think I deserved what I got, but I still wonder that maybe just maybe I was better off without it.

(If I come off incoherent right now, it's cause my thoughts have been incoherent for a while, that and I just downed a bottle of Port Wine. Chances are my thoughts are probably incoherent because of the Port Wine, but I like to believe I can hold my liquor!)

So I know now, that what I got was a "mistake", in that moment what I received may have made sense, maybe even had some meaning to it. But (and trust me, there is always a but!) in the grand scheme of things "it doesn't mean anything", that maybe "I should just not dwell upon it and let it be". Knowing this, would I allow for the mistake to happen again?

The answer is Simple. The answer is a simple, resounding Yes.

I would let all of it happen again. Just because a few people feel it's a mistake, doesn't always make it a mistake. It doesn't have to mean more than what it did for a moment. But then, I believe life is just a string of moments put together. Finally and this is the part that compels me to answer with a resounding Yes, even if, it was just for a moment. A moment that maybe lasted just twenty seconds... It felt so Right!

Time and again

2008-12-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

A really good friend of mine lost her father today, as always I never know what to say when faced with a situation like this. I always think words are inadequate in these situations. I mean let's face it you have no idea what the other person is going through. In retrospect you also realise that it's only a matter of time before it's you that loses someone important. That's the really scary part.

I consider myself fairly lucky. I've gone through all my life without losing anybody that I truly care for, something that I am very grateful for. The only loss that I've truly felt is that of Sasha. She meant a lot to me, and to this day the only person that made me hate God. I screamed at him for it, and to this day I remember the noises she made right before she went. She died well before her time. On the flip side, I know she's a lot happier where ever she is, after all she doesn't have my brother to worry about anymore.

When my Mom's dad passed away I'm sorry to say I didn't care one way or the other. I was sorry for my Mom's loss cause in a lot of way's she doted on him. I guess that's the connection father's and daughters share. I however did not see his loss as affecting my life one way or the other. The point is, there may be just a few people you care about in your life and you never quite realise when they are ready to take their leave.

Cliche as it is, take a moment to reflect and savor all the people that are still with you. All it takes is a snap of a finger and everything you know can be lost.

To my friend, I wish to pass on my deepest sympathy's and all my love. I just hope you know that if you ever need anything from me, I'll try my best to be there for you.

Updates in the world of Zrd!

2008-12-13T11:43:00.001-08:00

First of all why do I refer to my self as Zrd? I think it's a power name. You have the Z.. the r and the d! I mean really can you have a better set of initials in sequence like that? I don't think so!

If you are wondering, yes I am slightly tipsy right now, I've found myself writing whenever I am tipsy lately, and the first question that comes to my mind is "Am I that emotionally unstable??" the second question is "Am I drinking too much??" The third question is "Should I stop?" for some reason I enjoy having my happy buzz! Unfortunately, I also wish I had better people to share this happy buzz with!

So, I just promised my lil sister I'll be there for her birthday in Calcutta this year.. that means flying out on the 1st of Jan and coming back on the 5th of Jan... is it feasible? Yes it is! So guess the one trip I've been putting off for a long time is finally going to happen. I guess it's weird going back to a place where I barely have any roots is kinda weird. Worse yet, I have to meet the one Grandmother of mine whom I actually like. Why is it bad that I have to meet her? Well, it's cause she suffers from Alzheimer's and I doubt she'll remember me.

I just got back from the movie "The day the Earth stopped moving" and I have to admit, nice special effects. However does Keanu Reeves ever have more than one facial expression other than the "DUH!" look? At the end of the day I think I spent more money than was worth. Must remember to tighten the wallet strings!

So here I am, one week away from my 26th birthday and listening to "Don't stop believing" by Journey. I just left two of my friends on the street's of Bombay after a couple of drinks. They left apart, but more together than I've seen them in a long time. When I see them, I ask myself a lot of questions. Honestly, do we all end up more together when apart? Or do some of us manage to stay together. I guess we all just have to do what the song says and "don't stop believing".

Oh well, guess I'll go to bed now and reflect on the past week or two. On the flip side, my lil sister did promise not to make out with her boyfriend in front of me when I visit.

Friends and moments you take for granted

2008-12-11T10:14:00.000-08:00

I always tend to take my friends for granted, and I'm sure a whole lot of you out there do. It's not just friends, it extends to family as well and obviously moments.

When I was in NYC, I took my best friend for granted, I took both of my roommates for granted (both of whom are people that you would kill to know), I took my Didi for granted (I am so sorry that I did!) and most of all I took all the time I spent there for granted.

It's funny, you wake up one day and look back and realise that without these people, you would be nowhere in life. In fact you wouldn't be half the man you are. It's also funny how an evening spent drinking beer makes you realise these things. Of course after that you realise you take all the beer drinking for granted. Let me tell you... never ever take the beer drinking for granted.

So here I am today, and all I can think about are the moments spent playing monopoly with my bro before he left for the states (I fleeced him for everything he had), or the moments spent playing Halo with my roommie, then there were the times spent discussing Michael Jordan with my other roommie along with all our past high school moments, don't lets forget the time spent with best friends talking about HCHHSSTT's and pounding back beers. Then the moments when your sister admits she thought you were the coolest thing ever or how about the fact that your Dad keeps asking you to eat dinner with him when you stay with him and then you finally have the time when your Mom Say's she's proud of you just cause it's you. How about those time's when my Didi cooked whatever I wanted for Sunday lunch?

I know I took all of this for granted, and I know I will continue to do so, cause hey that's who I am, and it's not an excuse! I would never excuse this behaviour, it's a character flaw and I know it. All I can say is I promise that one day I'll make up for it. It may take me a long time, but I will.

I still remember that one time, 2:30 am and making my way to a strip club... the night before Neil's graduation... moments, don't want to come off sappy, but these are once in a life time moments.

To my boy Sanka: You are right, it takes but a moment to make changes, but sometimes the changes that matter most are the ones that take longer than one moment.

Appraisal's, feedbacks, little sister's and women we can't get

2008-12-10T10:49:00.000-08:00

So I just read my lil sister's blog (you can go read it at diggingpotatoes.blogspot.com). This pain's me a lot and I doubt I'll ever recover from admitting to it, but since I am a little buzzed from drinking I might as well admit: My lil sister is a better writer than I am. Right now is a good time for the Lord to strike me down with lightning and make me never have to live through the moment where she starts laughing at me and yelling "LOSER!". Seriously though, the post's may appear long and sometimes a little dreary, but definitely worth a read.

So it's that time of the month, when the higherup's in the company (No, I'm not one of them! Blasphemy.. I know!) decide to give us little people feedback on our performance and if we're good enough we get a salary increment. While I can't tell you if I received an increment or not, I can tell you my feedback was mostly positive. Trust me, I'm as surprised as you. I expected them to tell me to pack my bags and leave that very day. But I guess that's what makes feedback so important, you don't always know what kind of job your doing and sometimes you need somebody to tell you even if its not always positive.

So, I took Suzzanne (my bike for those not familiar) out for a nice long ride this past weekend, and let's just say I appreciate her all the more. A couple of us stayed out in a nice villa and spent all evening sipping whiskey and eating meat. Two of us even strayed out for a walk in the night and looked at the stars. All the while I was thinking two thoughts; "Why couldn't you be single and why can't I have met you seven years ago" and "two lost souls swimming in a fishbowl, year after year, running over the same old ground". Why is it that we always want something we can't have? Why is it sometimes just having a person near you can make all the difference between being absolutely bored and ecstatically happy? I guess, I could always make something happen in another lifetime? I'm sorry I don't mean to come of sounding so pathetic (Though I am off the opinion that my picture should be up next to the definition of the word pathetic in Webster's dictionary).

Well it's December, and I turn 26 this month. Time flies eh? I wonder what the 16 year old me would say if he saw where I was right now. I mean I have my own apartment, I ride a bike, I have a job that pays me well and gets me semi excited. But, I'm missing something... and I think I know what it is. No, I do know what it is... but I wonder, if I had it would I be happier? Wow, 26! Some how I can't fathom the fact that I'm actually an adult now. I guess we all yearn for the day's when we were 16? Almost a decade ago... a decade... sometimes, we just have to ask ourselves "where did we go wrong?" or is it "where did we go right?"

Like I said: I'm 26, I have a job, I have my own apartment, I ride a bike and while I may not be where I thought I would be when I was 16, I don't think I'm doing too badly. I may be single and I may not have found my calling in life; but I just realised that I have the next 10 years to change that.

Where has all the sanity gone?

2008-12-03T06:20:00.000-08:00

The 26th of November, a day that will live in infamy! The day they woke up a sleeping giant! Wait.. who are we kidding! Let's be honest, 5 years from now we wouldn't remember a thing about the 26th of November if it weren't for the media constantly flashing reminders of the violence.

Y'all think I'm being "insensitive, uncaring, and definitely crass" don't you? The way I look at it, I'm just being honest. By the way I don't speak from ignorance, I speak from experience.

I'm 25 years old (Unfortunately, not for long) and in my 25 years I've been victim to many an act of violence. I was beat up by my older brother growing up (Thanks Dada!), I was made fun of as a kid (Children can be Oh So Cruel!), I was once close to being molested in the elevator of a country that can only be defined as the armpit of Satan, there was also the time I flew into Delhi Airport right as Rajiv Gandhi was killed and I was stuck in a hotel all night by myself at the tender age of 9 (was very close to being kidnapped as well!), there was also the time that I was in a building and it got hit by a plane.. oh wait! You know that as 9/11! and finally the times I got robbed at gun point, followed finally by 26/11! (What an anti climax eh??). I also love how creative us Indians are, we really couldn't come up with a name with more impact? I mean 26/11 was the best we had to offer? Who came up with this? I need to do research and find the name of the genius behind it!

How can one guy experience so much violence? I don't know! That's a story for another day. The point of this post is: after all of this I don't remember what day they happened on and for the most part barely acknowledge them happening. This is not me repressing. This is just me getting numb to all the violence around me. On September 11th of 2008 let me tell you, I did not spend any time mourning the dead. As shocking as it is, I didn't even recall what had happened 7 years earlier. In fact, how numb am I? A colleagues brother of mine was kidnapped, half his body burnt, tied and bound into a suitcase and left in the boot of a car. When I found out, all I could say was "That sucks".

I think we're all just surrounded by so much violence that we tend to get numb to it. I partially blame the media, it doesn't help when all your broadcasts are oriented towards sex and violence. Fortunately, I enjoy sex so I don't plan on getting numb to that, but violence can get a little irritating after a while.

All you people out there coming up with support groups for the injured and dead, or asking our political leaders to take some action, or hey even the the people that went to the Ground Zero to mourn the dead... I have a question for all of you... where were you before the violence took place and what did you do to try and stop it? Me, at least I have an excuse. I'm just numb.

What time is it?

2008-11-19T09:05:00.000-08:00

So, I want to ask you a quest? If you could choose any time period to live in which would it be?

My colleague and I spend a lot of time discussing these things. This being the colleague that thinks he's Batman but is scared of birds. We managed to come up with a few interesting time periods:

One that I could think of was World War I - Flying a Sopwith Camel over the cloudy skies of France, getting into a dogfight with "Ze Germans!" and taking down those filthy dogs at 10,000 feet! And when you land, nothing beats a cold beer and hot french women "Allo Allo!"

Then you have the early 15th century! There you are Captain of the HCHHSSTT! Yarr Matey! Buxom Bosoms! Booty! and most of all danger and treachery of the high seas! I would have called myself Captain Zrd! (something about initials! They make for character!). Personally I'd also have had my very own harem of women on my ship captured and bought from around the world! Where's all the Rum and HCHHSSTT gone???

Of course, we can't forget the Wild Wild West! I would've made like a Jesse James! Best part is all the whiskey you can handle and a ton of really fine HCHHSSTT! (By the way I'm not trying to bring them up, it just happens to be that all these time periods were abundant in really fine women!). You're luuking at the ffaassstesstt ggguunn in the West pardner!

Then we have the sixties! Who wouldn't want to be there with all the wild rampant sex and drug use! Nuff said!

My colleague whom we shall refer to as The BWSP (The Batman Wannabe Scared of Pigeons) going forward, actually came up with a brilliant idea! Imagine if you were given 80 years to live, but you could split them however you wanted. I mean WOW! The possibilities are endless. 2 years spent following Jesus around the world before he was crucified. Maybe another year to see if he came back! Imagine spending a couple of years with Socrates and his disciples. 2 years in the sixties before I OD on it! Definitely leaving a year to be spent in space! The final frontier! These are the voyages of the Starship Zaev!

Think about it? How would you spend your time?

My First Change!

2008-11-18T09:19:00.000-08:00

So it's been a while. I know a lot of ya'll are mad at me. I'm sorry, honestly I've been working hard to save my job. Few people know this, but I was close to being fired. Unfortunately, since I haven't been discovered yet as a writer and since I have yet to start on my first book. Unemployment wasn't an option I could afford. Believe me, all I did was work work work, all in an effort to earn my meagre earnings so I wouldn't have to go and live with my Mom or Dad. I hope you understand?

Now that you've forgiven me. Moving on! I'm going to basically cover a bunch of thoughts that have randomly been coming into my head.

1) Have you ever wondered why the world Bosom makes you think of a girl with really big breasts. While the word breasts always comes off sounding a little wanting? Who came up with the word Bosom? Better yet who came up with the phrase "Buxom Bosom"? My hat is off to that person. Sheer Genius.

2) End of 2008, beginning of 2009. I know it's a while yet, but I mean really? 2009?? I declare it the year of the Zaev! Who's with me on this one??? Anybody??? Do I finally get laid in 2009??? For that matter does my sister get laid before I do?? We should have a poll going! Who wants in??? (Trisha.. don't show this to your mom!)

3) Why don't more people drink beer? I mean I've realised... and it's taken me 25 years and 10 months to realise it, but beer is the alcoholic drink of choice for me. Why don't more people drink it? I understand in India, most local beers are pretty bad (let's just say kidney stones would be the least of your problems!). Yet, world over I believe we should start a movement encouraging people to drink beer. After all it's called Beer Goggles! Not Whiskey monocle!

4) Obama won! Ok, so I was wrong on the Americans being rednecks. Or maybe they realised that for once, the other rednecks were worse than the "African American Muslim from Hawaii"? Well, lets see where he gets us. I know I've already lost 1000rs. since he became president! (Never make bets with overzealous women when at a bar drinking beer!)

5) This is related to my above statement, whats the over / under on Obama staying in Office for another 4 years? Better yet, will he even survive 4 years?

6) Why is it that women insist on being friends with every guy they meet? Really? I mean ok so you can go bragging about how u have more men friends than women? Maybe it's because women hate all women but insist on talking to only men?!? Random thought! I can't help it!

7) Whatever happened to the code of "Bro's Before Ho's!". I've realised that as we head into the distant future, us Manly Men are forsaking our brother's just for the opportunity to get some play! Honestly, are things that bad for everybody? I thought I was the only one currently dealing with an economic recession of epic proportions!

8) On a related note, whats the Over / Under on this recession? Will it end in 1, 2, 4 or 6 years? Better yet, will I be able to keep my job during this recession. Or will I be forced to hand out party favors at the local Y for my meagre earnings.

9) So 26th birthday coming up... Is it really all downhill from here? I mean it's been pretty downhill from 23 onwards. Does it get worse?? Can it get worse??

10) Is 26 finally the time I lose some weight, get off my ass and make a name for myself? I wonder. As I ponder these random thoughts. I ask you to ponder them too.

Stay tuned for my next update! Oh and the change? No more My First's! We start a new Era now! It shall be an exciting time for us all! Journey on my wayward child!

My First Party!

2008-10-13T09:07:00.000-07:00

So we recently had one of those work parties. You know the kind where you are forced to make an appearance, forced to drink a lot, forced to have fun and finally forced to blog about it.

However, I must admit... there is something fun about being forced to do all of the above.

What is it about these parties? I always end up having more fun than I expect. This time around I got into conversation with a guy who claimed that Beer was a "Pussy" drink. Pfft! The man obviously has never had Guinness! I say Manly Men drink Beer! Brilliant! I ended up dancing a lot (Godforsaken Muscle Cramps! Must learn to stay in goddamn shape!) most of it with a more than attractive woman (HCHHSSTT alert - Sorry had to figure out a way to work that in!).

Pictures oh so many pictures! In fact one of the highlights of my day today was coming to work and seeing random colleagues going the pictures and finding out that maybe they shouldn't have had as much to drink as they did. It's never fun to see that you have your arm around a girl you don't know and don't want to know (especially when you have to face them at work the next day!).

Note: what is it about one night with a girl that maybe doesn't amount to much in life, but for some reason ,that one night feels really special?

However, as always the bad comes with the good. Sigh, getting your ass kicked, having tons of people jumping on you and finally the constant replay of really bad music. (Note: Do not let your HR manager hire a DJ that works for free!).

Sorry, I've been away so long. In the words of Superman "I won't let you down!"

My First Hello!

2008-09-30T09:35:00.000-07:00

Okay, ever been in a bar and suddenly you see somebody you went to school with 10 years ago, but never bothered to keep in touch with? And the person for some reason (Universe conspiring against you!) recognizes you and then you have the whole awkward reintroduction phase.

Yes, I've been there!

Lets face it, happens to the best of us. We tend to react by getting up and saying a very awkward "Hey! Wazzzup?". Then you get back to your table and hope to hell nobody asks you "Who the hell is that guy?" especially after he has had numerous drinks and is being loud and screaming across multiple tables going "I LOVE YOU MAN!".

I think we need to set some kind of rules for incidents like this. I mean lets face it, they can get pretty embarrassing. I remember once meeting this guy who worked in the same company (our interaction stretched as far as him coming over to my apartment and getting high with my roommate! Important Note: I disliked my roommate!) as myself at a club, and I didn't even remember his name. Rest assured it was an awkward evening whenever he came up to me and said "Have you met my girlfriend? She's Hot!".

The fact is when you see somebody from school or work (or any avenue of life for that matter), who you never liked or weren't close to the following rules should be followed:

1) While maintaining reasonable distance, give the person an acknowledgement nod. After which immediately turn around and ignore the person for the rest of the night. While it sounds impolite and rude, the results are worth it.

2) Under no circumstance, no matter how drunk... Do not go up to the person and start singing out loud with them. The last thing you want next day are memories of you belting out "Summer of 69" with a guy you may have intensely disliked.

3) If by some reason you chose to ignore rule one and go up to the person to say "hello", please make sure you incorporate a good getaway. Nobody likes uncomfortable silence that follows when you don't have an adequate follow up! Additionally, if you don't end the conversation, you end up leading to a scenario described in rule two.

4) If you fail to follow the above three rules, please do not exchange phone numbers. If you do. You have dug your own grave.

For a safe evening out, with no unwanted interruptions especially when with an HCHHSSTT. Please follow the above rules. God Speed.

My First Non Intellectual Question

2008-09-25T06:58:00.000-07:00

So I figured, since the last post was about something smart. It was time I posted something that was smarter. I know you, my ardent reader are wondering "What exactly can he talk about that is smarter but Non-Intellectual?"

Well, it's simple! My question is three fold. And I really want answer's, so if you know the answers to these question's, please let me know. So without further ado the questions are:

1) Have you ever noticed women (especially in India) buy tops (We're calling anything worn above the waist "tops", as I'm too lazy to call out the different kinds of clothing worn by them. The list is endless!) that essentially show off a fair amount of cleavage.
Now, I don't have a problem with women wearing something that shows off cleavage. Hell it's a good thing! What upsets me is when women choose to wear something else under the top that essentially covers any cleavage that was revealed!
It's the same with skirt's. They'll buy these skirt's (nice and short) and then wear tights under them! What is the point? It's ok if they haven't waxed / shaved their legs and are covering something up. However, we all know it's not because of that!
If women are trying to do this to tease us, it's not working! It's more infuriating then anything else.
I know they blame it on us, saying "You pervs stare too much!" but my answer to that is "Don't dress like that if you don't want us to stare!". And don't even think about countering that with "Well, that's why we wear tights!" cause like I said it defeats the purpose! (As you can tell this really irks me!)

2) Why is it that sometimes a girl can look very attractive, and other times she can look really unattractive? I mean with guys, we're just unattractive all the time. At least we believe in constancy. I mean lets face it we are constantly ugly! At least I am, but women refuse to chose one side. Honestly, it's not fair because you know as well as I do, we only want to date the attractive version, not the ugly one. I know it sounds callous, but the fact is if we're dating a girl and one day she looks like an HCHHSSTT, the last thing we want to do is introduce her to our friends when she's not looking like an HCHHSSTT. You could blame it on the light, sure the light can do crazy thing's. For some reason though, I just can't blame the light for everything. It happens way too much for it to be blamed on light.

3) Why will all women take this post negatively instead of seriously asking themselves the above questions and answering them?

Sure, I know most people will say I'm a perv for asking these questions and will then go on to ellaborate how it's completely irrelevant. However, I feel if we knew the answers to these questions, the world would be a better place.

For the record I am not a perv, and I do not stare at women in High Heels, Short Skirts and Tight Tops! (At least not all the time!).

My First Intellectual Question

2008-09-19T06:52:00.000-07:00

So what is with all the financial insecurity in the States? I know everybody is asking this, and I'm probably posting this after all the excitement is over... but so what!

I have a couple of things to say about all this:

First of all how does this impact the 2008 American Presidential Elections (By the way have you noticed how most people world over are more interested in the American Presidential Elections aka APE than the elections of their own countries?). Does Obama have a better shot now of winning the APE? or Is McCain still going to pull it off simply because he has a hotter Vice Presidential candidate.

Side note: Does the fact that she's got a pregnant teenage daughter help her more? I think it does, simply because it has her connect with the other mothers with teenage daughters that are pregnant? I don't see how it is a bad thing! I mean not only does she connects with all the white mom's out there with unwed pregnant teenage daughters, but she also connects with all the black mom's as well! I say Win Win! McCain for APE 2008!

Secondly, how in the world did some of the largest banks in the world lend money to people and fail to collect? I mean that is the bottom line isn't it? Don't these guys employ secret "Shylocks" to get their money back for them? Hell if the mobsters have enough sense to do this, shouldn't the banks! There is something to be said about street smarts. This is it!

Third, really? It took the downfall of 3 or 4 of the biggest institutions in Finance before the world realised that maybe its not good to have the World's economy so in sync with the American Economy? Really?

Fourth, why in the world has the Indian Rupee dropped in value! Don't these people realise I have a student loan to pay off! The weaker the Indian Rupee gets, means the more money I pay every month to pay off a stupid loan for a degree I'll never use! Money that would be used getting drunk and picking up HCHHSSTT's at various bars, that I now won't have the oppurtunity to frequent!

And finally fifth, does this mean we're not getting a tax refund this year?

Oh and while we're at it, thanks for using our hard earned Taxes to pay off the bad decisions of a bunch of moronic CEO's! (Fine, so I don't have to pay taxes, but I'm just speaking for all those other poor schmucks out there!).

My First Policy

2008-09-16T09:57:00.000-07:00

A colleague and I were sitting today, and we were discussing the new building we are moving to. Yes, this is the same colleague that wants to be Batman but is scared of birds!

So after discussing the possibility of a new building we realised that with a new building, we should have a new Policy.

The Policy could be related to out of station housing amenities (available only to management!), or expatriates (Damn white people stealing the brown man's job!), or free food at the cafeteria (very important to note that this always leaves the cafeteria with no food!). However, none of these were as interesting as coming up with a new Dress Code.

So, this is what we decided on:

For Men:

1) All men can dress as they please. Comfort before style. (We figured the CEO and the president of the company are both men, so it would be prudent to institute a policy that allowed them to dress as they pleased).

For Women:

1) All women must wear either skirts or jeans. If it is a skirt it must be at least two inches above the knees. If they chose to wear jeans, it should be daisy duke tight.

2) Tops which are sexy, tight, and show ample cleavage.

3) All women should wear High Heels, nothing under 3 inches allowed.

4) Women can chose to wear makeup or chose to go without. They can also chose to accessorize in any which way they like. However, they are not to bring bags bigger than a "Clutch" (small women's hand bag) to work.

5) Traditional Indian clothing (Since we work for an Indian company based in India) can be worn, but they must be designed by the same people that design those clothes in the various Bollywood Movies we see. In simple words, only those that are sexy.

6) Please note no "Skorts, pants, jackets, shorts (Unless tight denim ones) and 3/4ths" are allowed.

I just realised we came up with a Dress code that has all women dressed as HCHHSSTT's! Brilliant!

Another colleague also suggested placing the air conditioners below the floor and hence point up from the ground. I would have to agree that this was a most brilliant idea, however pretty over the top.

Now I know a lot of my female readers would be very upset with the above dress code,

I mean lets face it, a policy that allows men to dress as they please and forces women to dress in something they would never dress up in. I would even go as far as to say this post probably has some of you thinking that I'm nothing but a Male Chauvinistic pig who is cheap and was raised badly.

The truth is can you really expect better from people raised in a completely male chauvinistic and repressed society like ours?

My First Awakening

2008-09-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

I've realised that I enjoy good food. In fact, the thing I miss most about New York was the fact that I had access to the best cooked meals ever.

No, I didn't use to eat outside, or use a catering service. I happen to be related to a world renowned chef, I refer to her as "Didi". Now, don't get me wrong I truly love her and for a lot of reasons. I mean lets face it, if it weren't for her I wouldn't be half the man I am today (literally and figuratively!).

Now, you have to realise my "Didi" happened to contribute a lot to my life such as wisdom, street smarts, confidence, arrogance, love and a tattoo.

However, the thing that stands out most about her and makes me realise exactly how far away I am from her, is the simple fact that I find myself very hungry most of the time (Something that never used to happen back in NYC).

I'm talking about lasagna, pork chops, pork curry, steaks, beef chili, lemon chicken, lemon cheese cake, brownies, even healthy food like grilled chicken and the occasional salad was made edible. Now we're not talking about normal food, we're talking about the cheesiest lasagna's ooozzing with meatsauce and jalapenos galore. Trully makes your mouth water. The steaks oh so tender, that you actually contemplate for all of 1 second the cow that was sacrificed. The cheese cake, cookie crumb base with soft creamy center. The salad... Umm... Leafy.

What is the point of this entire post you ask? Well it's simple, food is underrated. Sex or Food? Bet you wouldn't know what to chose. And No! Sex and Food is not a third option.

Oh another thing, believe it or not I love her for more than just her cooking. Atleast I think I do. No wait I do, I mean come on, who do you think used to clean up my diapers?

Note: Didi stands for Surrogate Mom, aunt, friend, confidant and every other role that needs to be filled. Come to think of it, in soccer terms Didi's play your attackers, midfield and defense.

My First Finer Thing

2008-09-11T05:33:00.000-07:00

I love sports. I follow almost all sports.

In a way it reaffirms my masculinity. If I'm feeling a little too feminine, nothing beats watching a good game of American Football where you have a bunch of guys huddling up and then kicking ass. Sure, it may seem a little fruitty, but trust me if you get hit by a 280 pound man that can run 40 yards in under 5 secs and live to tell about it. Well, you know God exists and all that time spent in Church/Temple or/and Mosque sure paid off.

I guess I follow sports for two big reasons, the first one I already mentioned: it reaffirms my masculinity, a truly Manly Man will follow all Manly Man sports (Cricket is not such a sport, nor is chess. Golf only makes the cut because of Tiger Woods). The second reason is that it is a brilliant conversation starter (helps me get chicks!) Unfortunately, this doesn't quite work in India since most people follow cricket, and since we've established that cricket isn't a sport I simply do not follow it.

For all you women out there, if you want to pick up a guy at a bar? Trust me, read up on sports! Preferably the Manly ones these include Football, Soccer, Basketball, NASCAR/F1, Baseball (though its a borderline sport: the only thing that makes it a sport is all the steroid use and now that they are testing it's a matter of time before it's not a sport), Ice Hockey and Olympics when it comes around once in 4 years.

I for one love a woman that knows her sports. I had the biggest crush on a red head back in college cause she had an awesome Long Island accent along with the fact that she followed the Knicks. The fact that she was a potential HCHHSSTT had nothing to do with it.

Of course there are moments you want to avoid, such as the Champions League Final between Chelsea and Man Utd. led to a moment where I saw a colleague stand on a bar, strip of his shirt, wave it around like a mad man and shed a tear. You want to avoid moments like that. Trust me, you get scarred for life.

I believe every Manly Man has one team he commits himself to no matter what! It's like a marriage. You love the team and well you also hate them. For me it was the New York Knickerbockers (that's a kind of men's underwear). Like all marriages this love - hate relationship all started when my brother got me a pair of Nike Flights from the states which were worn by Allan Houston. They were uncomfortable as hell but damn they looked good. When I saw the buzzer beater Houston hit against the Miami Heat to take them into the NBA Finals, it was a done deal. I read up on their history, and trust me they have history.

We had a ton of great moments together, like the time we beat out the Heat in the 1999 finals and then the Heat again the next year.

Of course all good things come to an end and after numerous playoff defeats, some of them which left me crying and my brother questioning his love for the Knicks. They commited the biggest sports crime ever: they traded their Franchise Player Patrick Ewing. They made it worse by signing a bunch of players to bad contracts and finally hired Isiah Thomas.

This was about the time I started thinking maybe it was time for a divorce, maybe we had gone as far as we would go together. Maybe they needed new fan's and I needed a new team to support. Instead we went through a phase of 4 -5 years where we just existed.

In this time the Knicks kept making one bad decision upon another. All the while refusing to fire the man behind the team that became the joke of the NBA.

The man was sued for sexual harassment and they didn't fire him? In any other job a man sued for sexual harassment would've gotten lynched! Hell, the Americans impeached their president for having "sexual relationships"! But no the Knicks left this moron in charge. They even gave him a contract extension. I think it finally took the Commissioner of the NBA calling the owner and threatening him with a law suit that got him to fire Isiah Thomas.

Finally, with Thomas gone and a new person in charge, I feel we can work out our differences. After all we have a new coach, and hopefully soon we'll have a new Franchise player (Lebron James in 2010!).

Honestly, sports have made me cry (like a man!), made me deliriously happy and definitely made me jump 4 feet out of my seat. I also like to believe that it helped my brother and I bond and share a kinship that we may never have had.

I have to admit to something, I started following Formula 1 because of my brother, it gave me something to talk to him about (you try talking to a 16 year old when you are only 9!) I started to support Senna because of him and after he passed away (I cried that day). I started to support Schumacher because of him (I was 11 and man did that piss him off! Joy Joy!).

So to my brother, I say thank you for introducing me to one of the finer things in life.

My First Realization

2008-09-08T08:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it dawned on me recently. "It" being something pretty interesting. There you are, out for dinner with this girl whom you are attracted to. Remember you aren't in love or crazy about her, but you are most definitely attracted to her. Let's be more specific and say she's an HCHHSSTT.
(Ground rules now set, we can move on)

Anyway after that first dinner, things go well and you start dating her. Bottom line you go through the motions of dating the girl when suddenly WHAM!

Two months into your relationship and she dumps you like a hot potato or if you prefer a sack of hot potatoes? Now obviously, there you are suffering from withdrawal symptoms, depending on how desperate you were when you started going out and when you got dumped.

Now I know a lot of you people will call this sour grapes, but it isn't. Essentially, after the above stated withdrawal symptoms pass, getting dumped opens up your eyes. You take a long good look at the HCHHSSTT and realise... Oh My God! She was the most needy irritating person ever (Note: I would like to take this moment to state that this works both ways. I'm just using a guys perspective).

My point is simple, isn't it amazing how we tend to ignore all the things about a person that would generally irritate the living shit out of you especially when you want to date them, or sleep with them, or even date and sleep with them.

By the way take this moment to reflect on all your past relationships and realise that most of the women you dated had some serious issues. I would also like to take this moment to state that most of your friends may have tried to warn you but you simply failed to listen to them. On another note if they didn't warn you, get new friends.

Bottom line: when you are interested in a person, it is amazing how much we forgive them for. I mean sometimes the "biggest" set of breasts can make you forget about how nasal the voice of the owner of those 36DD's is, or they can make you forget about the fact that she keeps cutting strips of your steak from your plate or finally and my personal favourite the simple fact that she refuses to let go of my goddamn hand!

I guess us men can always use the old standby "Not enough blood" because we all know our "Mini-me's" only see what they want to see.

But really all you women out there, whats your excuse?

My First Second Part of My First Two Parter

2008-09-05T07:51:00.000-07:00

First of all for those of you who didn't see that title coming, well I have nothing to say.

Welcome to the second part of my first two parter... Yes! I had to say it again!

You know it's funny the other day I was talking to this friend of mine and he said something that shocked the stuffing out of me (if you've seen me, you'll know that's a lot of stuffing!). He actually had the gall to say getting too old for video games and comics.

Well, I don't understand how anybody can get too old for either of those things. It's not just men, its women too. If you've become too old to play a video game or a comic, well then personally take a look in the mirror cause you probably won't like what you see.

Personally I'd love to date a girl who was thirty, flirty, fun and into gaming and comics. I might even convince her to dress up as Princess Leia or hell Lara Croft! Dammit must focus on subject at hand!

I bet more than 80% of my readers are on Facebook and also spend at least 70% of their free time on Facebook. Now, tell me whats the difference between Facebook and World of Warcraft (WoW)? Almost none, in fact they run along the same concept. It's called Social Networking. The funny thing is today if you are a 30 year old on Facebook it makes you hip, cool and web savvy (Ha ha.. keep telling yourself that!). If you are a 30 year old on WoW, well shit you might as well hide that fact cause its worse than being gay.

It's the same thing with comic books, I mean do you realise that more than half of the comic books out there are a reflection of what is happening in our world already or what will happen if current events carry on the way they are? I mean hell, we have more Joker's in the world than Batman has in the comics. Unfortunately we have like zero Batman's, well side from my colleague who claims to be Batman and probably spends nights praying to the almighty one to make him Batman!

I'm sorry I know I'm coming of preachy but the fact is I love playing video games, I love reading comics. If that makes me come off as immature so be it! I believe comics and video games are my god given right, kinda like sex. Nothing beats an HCHHSSTT who loves comic books and plays WoW!

Yes, I play World of Warcraft, I read comic books (Up Up and Away!) and I like to have sex.

For all of you women out there that have Boyfriends that are into the above mentioned topics, all I can say is "Don't worry... be Happy!"

Welcome to my world.

P.s. On a completely unrelated note, I find it ammusing I had more comments on a nonsensical post "My First Arggggh" than on a post that actually had a little bit of meaning "My First Two Parter". I'm thinking I should really start antoganizing women if that is what will get me more readers!

My First Two Parter

2008-09-04T04:08:00.000-07:00

Well, I guess the pressure is on now after My First Comeback to post something that will keep my ardent readers satisfied. It's fortunate that I have always worked better under pressure than when I'm stress free.

Now, I know most of you are probably expect me to follow up on "My First Arggghhh" post. I did give it deep thought and I realised it is not worth it. For those of you who are interested in what happened. Lets just say I flew smack dab into the goddamn Friendship Zone. On the plus side, I managed to quickly extricate myself by getting the girl to hate me. I believe women love to hate men and men love to be hated by women. I guess that is what makes the world tick.

I also thought about taking the time to post about the US Presidential Race. I decided against that when I realised there was a potential HCHHSSTT running for Vice President with McCain. Funny thing though, she's the Governor of Alaska. Did you even know Alaska had a Governor??? I always thought Alaska was only good for oil? Does this make her the first "Alaskan" to run for Vice Presidency? Also, does this mean that in 2012 we'll have two women running for President? Can we place bets on who wins in 2012 - the woman from Alaska, the light skinned Muslim African American from Hawaii or the White chick who wants to be African American and whose husband cheated on her more than once while in the Oval Office? I mean really who wouldn't want to bet on this? I think we should check if Vegas is getting the odds ready yet.

Let's face it the 2008 race is going to be won by the White man who has survived both Vietnam and Cancer. And if you didn't see this coming, well then shame on you!

Some how I just feel that the above two topics aren't worthy of dedicating an entire post too, so instead I've decided that I will speak about something of more importance. However, in the interest of having people come back to my blog I shall post the second part only tomorrow.

Tune in tomorrow for the next installment of "My First Two Parter", who knows it may even involve HCHHSSTT's!

My First Official Comeback

2008-09-03T05:38:00.000-07:00

Well, it has definitely been a while and after speaking to numerous people (between 1 - 3), I have decided to announce my comeback.

Now what can you my ardent readers expect from this comeback? Well you'll get to read about the exciting events of my life such as watching WALL - E (Amazing movie by the way, I highly recommend it). You will also get my thoughts and insights into many subjects ranging from "The multiple uses of Chopsticks" to "Are Chopsticks the weapons of mass destruction that the Chinese are threatening the americans with?". And ofcourse every person's favourite topic "Are all HCHHSSTT's (Hot Chicks wearing High Heels Short Skirts and Tight Tops - For the sake of reference) lieing when they say 'OMG! You rocked my world!'?"

There is one catch however, unlike before I shall not be posting everyday. For once though, let us look at the silver lining. This would meanbetter quality posts with a sound social - economic message behind them.

So, to the few in attendance and the millions around the world in the words of the Immortal Michael Jordan "I'm back!".

My First ARGGGHHH!!!!

2008-09-02T09:50:00.000-07:00

Women.. I swear to god they can really get my goat. A girl once told me she was "fond" of me! What the hell is "fond"? You can be fond of that soft toy you have! You can be fond of your favourite underwear! Hell.. but "fond" for a guy!

Then she say's she wants distance.. when you give them that, they get pissed. And its always your fault! WTF!

This is my most nonsensical post and you know why? Cause women are frigging nonsensical!

They make me go ARRGGGGGHH!!!!!

My First Thanks

2008-07-04T05:22:00.000-07:00

You ever realise how irritating parents can get? Especially Mothers?

When you are sick, they will constantly call you and wake you up from the deepest sleep, only to ask how you are feeling (something they already have the answer to!), or when you take a day off from work they refuse to believe it is because you just wanted a day off, or finally when you are way younger and they think you are going to flunk a grade and actually make you study so you won't fail (I finished top 5 in my class! And that after all the pressure she put on me!).

I mean the stories are endless and the fact is whether you are 1, 4, 12, 18, 21, 25, 31, 60 or older they will be around to irritate you.

I know I said I had stopped blogging and I have, I just felt I had to come back and say a Final "Thanks" to my Mom for all the times she's irritated me and also for all the times she's gone and done something that made me realise its her god given right to be able to irritate me.

So to my Mommy, the first person I had a tattoo done for... Thanks.

My First Last Post

2008-06-09T10:04:00.000-07:00

So I'm done. Last post. It was a good run. 50 odd posts.
To all those that stuck around, it was a fun run and thanks.

By the way... never did get famous or find that HCHHSSTT. Oh well such is life.

My First Lease

2008-06-05T08:26:00.000-07:00

So, I'm supposed to be closing on my new apartment tomorrow. I should be experiencing a whole lot of emotions ranging from happiness, relief, excitement and maybe even fear (I'm scared of cockroaches!). Am I feeling these things? No, I'm not. What I'm feeling is more like fatigue and also disgust.

You see I've realised something - It is not easy getting an apartment in India. There are just way too many requirements most of which are a complete waste of time.

For example I will list of some of the requirements my Land Lord wants from me which by the way don't include the standard items like a deposit of Rs. 50000, along with two months brokerage and first month rent upfront (I'm giving a deposit and you want the first month rent upfront as well? Does this make sense!).

So the additional requirements are:

1) A letter of permanent employment from my company. I wonder what would've happened if I was self employed or if I was a rich kid with parents paying the rent?

2) Interestingly enough he also wanted a letter from my Mother or Father stating that they did not have a problem with me entering a lease agreement with him. Let's see I'm 25, supported my family for a while when I was 22 or 23 can't remember, and oh yeah lived alone in Bombay for the last year and half! Are you serious? A letter from my Mother? What is this Middle School?

3) Religion and Caste - blogged about this before, don't want to discuss it.

4) At one point, he didn't want to allow for an exit point in the lease agreement basically stating that I was stuck there for eleven months and didn't have a choice about it. Obviously, I told him in a firm manner that this was not going to happen and amazingly he relented. By the way I think this was the only thing he relented on.

So, those are a few of the additional requirements that he had. Did I mention these people are supposed to be educated? I guess in the future I'll just have to make sure I buy an apartment instead of renting one.

Like that will ever happen.

P.S. Too top it all off, not a single HCHHSSTT in the building.

My First HCHHSSTT

2008-06-03T11:04:00.000-07:00

It's funny how women think that us Manly Men never remember our first girlfriends, or the first girl we kissed, or hell even the first girl we slept with (Or for you sensitive types out there, first girl we made "love" too!).

But, its not true truth be told, I'm pretty sure at least 90% of us Manly Men remember the first girl we kissed, dated or slept with. Sure, the girl may not have been a complete HCHHSSTT and because of that we may want to forget about them. Believe it or not, we don't.

You see it's a simple reason behind why we don't forget them. It's because us Manly Man draw all our confidence and our powers from the first time we did things. Sure we may tell you we don't remember it, in an effort to come off uncaring, cold and nonchalant (For the record this is done only by those Manly Men that suffer from a little bit of insecurity, however since they are Manly Men we chose to forgive them).

You see we remember our first times not because the girl was so awesome, not because it may have been an HCHHSSTT that was from beyond this world. No, we remember them because when we did all of our firsts we were so awesome at it that the women couldn't help but tell us. You see them telling us, that's the central being of our awesome Manly Man powers. It's because of the fact that the first girl we kissed absolutely swooned in our arm's for a couple of second after which she jumped on us begging for more, or the first girl we slept with couldn't stop mouthing the words "OMFG!" or even the first girl we dated couldn't help but spend the next three months trying to make us jealous.

Personally, I remember all three of my firsts and while the women weren't necessarily HCHHSSTT's, lets just say I hit all three balls out of the park.

My First Confession

2008-06-02T08:37:00.000-07:00

OK, so I have a confession to make. However, this is nothing like "Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen". This is better!

So, there I was this weekend, company sponsored party with tons of free alcohol. Well, you can imagine what happened next. That's right I committed the cardinal sin. I cockblocked a fellow Manly Man. OK he wasn't exactly a Manly Man, but he was half a man and there he was hitting on a HCHHSSTT and instead of trying to help him, I cockblocked.

I'm not proud of it, and in all fairness I was cockblocked by a fellow Manly Man as well, especially one who would in his normal senses never do such a thing.

It occurs to me, that when you consume tons of alcohol, you really lose control of yourself. You give in to the dark side. This dark side is not good. I mean here I am the preacher of Wingmanness, and I let every body down by cockblocking.

Today, I make a vow never to again cockblock no matter how drunk I get. How you ask am I going to do this? Simple, If I ever cockblock I will make it up to the person by buying their drinks for the night. Since I am so cheap, I have a feeling that will stop me and if it doesn't well we'll have to come up with an alternative plan.

Cockblocking is evil and I am ashamed of myself. The HCHHSSTT was kinda worth it though.

My First Dated

2008-05-29T11:56:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how something you saw when you were a kid seemed a lot cooler at the time than now when you're all grown up?

I mean this has happened to me on multiple occasions. I always hoped there were things I would never be too old for. For example Cartoons and Chocolate Chip cookies. It's a scary thought when you contemplate all the things that you are too old for at the age of 40, 50 and 60.

Dammit there goes my Enfield when I'm 60!

I guess after everything is said and done, there will always be things you are too old for. Somethings especially get dated faster than others. When I was 14 and reading Archie Comics, I never thought I would get too old for them, now I look at them and can't read more than two pages before putting the book down in complete disbelief because of how naive some of the characters are. Dammit Veronica, just get into a three some already, Midge and Betty are waiting!

Even movies, have any of you watched the movie Rad? I always believed that movie to be awesome. When I watched it recently, I couldn't get past the first 5 mins. There is no plot, the acting is terrible and don't even get me started on the cheesy 80's bike tricks and music.

Hell, even HCHHSSTT's can get dated. You see a girl you think is hot when you are 14, and by the time you are 18 and old enough to make a move you realise how butt ugly she is.

In the end, I guess that's how it is. You grow up, you become more cynical, you lose the ability to enjoy things that once would've never had a problem keeping your attention. I just hope I never grow out of watching cartoon's, eating cereal and acting like a complete dork when I want too.

Too all the things that I can't take seriously in my life anymore (that would be you Archie comics) I just wanted to say, thank you for the good times, the bad times and everything in between.

My First Diss

2008-05-28T07:10:00.000-07:00

Diss. So I googled the word, and believe it or not Google had completely irrelevant definitions of the word. Stunning! So what does it mean to get Dissed? It means somebody disrespected you.

There are ton's of way to disrespect some one. Sure you could spit on them, you could also call them names (This I'm really good at!) or you could even do something as subtle as question their judgement.

It's even worse when the person questioning your judgement is supposed to be a valued friend. I mean if that person is questioning your judgement, hell everybody and their mom is going to question it.

The funny part is I don't know if I should be disappointed? or Angry? I guess it's a combination of both.

Let me tell you, its easier to recover from a HCHHSSTT rejecting you than from a good friend questioning your very judgement and on many levels your ability to make decisions.

Oh well, I guess just the way you bounce back from an HCHHSSTT turning you down, you recover from this and you hope to hell the friend doesn't do it again. Once is forgivable, twice is just not cool.

My First Suprise

2008-05-27T05:45:00.000-07:00

Well, its been pretty well documented that I'm still hunting for an apartment. It's also been pretty well documented that I haven't found said apartment. I even believe the fact that I might be homeless in under two weeks has been pretty well documented. Fear not, I shall keep blogging.

So any way's I finally saw a place today which had potential. Definitely a place I would be interested in inhabiting. So obviously I told the broker as such and asked her to call me back with final figures.

Being the good broker that she is (A broker in India is only as good as they are greedy for money), she promptly called me and asked me a two very important questions:

1) Are you a bachelor? Or Family?

2) What is your caste?

No, I didn't start laughing... instead I took a deep breath and tried to answer those questions.

Yes, I am a bachelor and it's not entirely out of choice. Trust me I want to be a "Family". I even love the song "We are Family!". When I told her I was a bachelor she promptly asked: Will your mother ever come and visit? To which I replied "Yeah sure, maybe for a couple of days". In my mind I was thinking (Over my dead body! No disrespect Mom, I love you! But I don't think I want you to come to my 1 bedroom apartment in the middle of nowhere where I plan on practicing multiple acts of debauchery!).

The second question was even funnier. Believe it or not, I actually do know my caste. I take great pride in the fact that I am not a Brahman. Instead I'm an awesomely cool Kshatriya (OK, screwed up the spelling... been a while). Kshatriya's are the warrior class and yes we get all the HCHHSSTT's. However, I didn't feel like answering her question and instead said "What caste? I don't know!" To which she asked me are you a Muslim? Now, I know all these questions and answers are probably boring you. But trust me I'm coming to the point. The point is, how the hell does it matter what religion I am when I'm looking for an apartment?

I mean if this is how supposedly educated people behave, it kinda makes you realise that all those little kids that join the Al Quaeda don't really stand a chance do they? I mean we live in a secular country and we refuse to rent out apartments to bachelors and better yet Muslims. Since when did religion dictate the availability of an apartment? I mean I am so taken back and so disappointed that I can't even joke about it. I'm sorry to say but it's times like this that really make me ashamed to be an Indian.

Sure a bunch of redneck's may not vote for a black man to be president, but at least they won't stop the black man from living in their apartments. They will just make sure they double the rent. I'll take that over the religion criteria any day.

Oh and for the record I'm supposed to be a Hindu, but how does it matter... at this rate I think we're all going to hell.

My First Miss

2008-05-26T13:03:00.001-07:00

OK, So I missed a post for today. Honestly, I have no excuse... I guess I just got caught up with work (ha ha ha.. work! I still can't say that with a straight face!) or it could've been that I had nothing to post about again so I decided to create work so that I wouldn't have to post.

Unfortunately, I felt guilty about it and am posting now. Technically, all my US based readers (Yes, I have a few... I think) are still 6 hours behind and hence it counts as yesterday or rather today. Depends on how you want to look at it.

So, here's hoping I don't sound too corny and stupid but I just wanted to say "I love the fact that I have some very cool friends and a really cool brother". I would name them but really the list would be embarrassingly small and I don't think I can deal with that kind of humiliation. Also, I don't want to list my brother here by name because personally I don't think he's completely worthy of being named. Especially since he dropped me from 1st to 6th on his fave sibling list just because I didn't buy him a birthday present and just because I don't call him ever and just because I don't make funny video's like his new #1 sibling. Wow, talk about a running sentence.

Any way's my point is it's awesome having good friends especially when some offer you a place to stay when you have no place to stay. And it's awesome sharing a first drink with a friend... he can't drink cause he actually cares about his health unlike myself. Or finally when you meet the younger brother of your best friend and you realise he's grown into a really cool dude.

I guess it all matter's. Even that brother who drops you to 6th in his sibling list but still makes the effort to call you every three days to check if you have an apartment. Still if it were up to me I'd love to drop a piano on his head the way I would for my sister, but it would be a much bigger piano.

My First Nonsensical Post

2008-05-23T04:28:00.000-07:00

So, OK this isn't really my first bad week, but its damn well been a pretty bad week.

First, I have to find an apartment in the next week or I'm going to be homeless. Second, I'm supposed to take more initiative at work to come up with task's for me to do. That's not happening because let's just say I enjoy sitting on my ass doing nothing a little too much. Third I haven't gotten laid all week... OK I haven't gotten laid a lot longer than that, but you get my point.

Now, what does one do to make their week better? Me, I'd try drinking except I'm broke. I could try picking up chick's but again I'm broke and judging my recent track record I'd have to have a couple of million. I could always buy something to cheer me up, but wait did I mention I'm broke?

Now, sure maybe I got a little carried away and spent too much money on certain item's that really do bring a smile to my face, but that's besides the point. I hate to say it, but either I get a raise or its time to work out a new system where we don't need to use money.

Personally I'm good with trying either of the methods. I mean a raise would really be handy, except that I have a bad feeling I'm about to enter a new tax bracket and get my ass handed to me on taxes (This is what happens when you don't invest!). Since that is not going to work. I think we should come up with a new method where we don't need to use money. Sure we could try some kind of barter system but we've already decided that's doesn't quite work. Plus I have no services to offer.

So how about a system where we magically get everything given to us and don't have to do anything. I think such a system could easily be created. Just read Harry Potter! They could conjure up anything. I guess its time to conjure up an ... wait for it... wait for it... HCHHSSTT!

Yep, My first nonsensical post where I have absolutely nothing of value to say. Good times!

Did I mention a colleague and I are planning on modifying our Enfield bikes to work on water because the price of gas just went up again. That's right! Water!

My First Sport

2008-05-22T06:38:00.001-07:00

I love sport's, I really do. In the worst of situations sport's makes for an awesome ice breaker. Now, keep in mind I don't love all sports. Certain sports like Golf and Cricket if it were upto me would not be considered sports.

Now, Basketball is an amazing sport. It's something I follow religiously. It's fast, its exciting and the cheerleaders are hot as hell. Sure, the cheerleaders maybe a notch below the NFL, but still almost as good.

But I guess we have to ask the question: What is it about sport's that makes sane men go crazy?

I mean there I was watching the 2000 NBA playoffs and the Knicks were struggling to get to the finals and every second they had me on the edge and breaking a sweat. I think I was under more pressure then than the first time I had sex!

I still remember the time Ayrton Senna died and I actually shed a tear. I even remember what I was doing when the Lakers came back from being down 15 points in the last 7 mins to beat the Trailblazers for their chance at winning the NBA finals in 2000. They then went on to win the NBA Championship three years running. That was just torture. Hell, how can any of us even forget the shot taken by Jordan in his last finals against the Utah Jazz?

The point is sports play a vital role in the life of all men and sometimes we have to wonder why? Is it the Cheerleaders? I mean it's just as easy to watch women that are just as hot in some porno and best part is they are naked. So it can't be that. It could be the fact that everybody wants to be like Mike? Can't argue with this one. It could just be that what man wouldn't want to make a living by playing our favourite sport? I mean those of us that can't play a sport, try to write about it or just watch it and then bitch and moan when our favourite teams get the shit beaten out of them.

But, when they win... it's like nothing can go wrong. Sure we didn't personally get anything out of it, but our favourite sports team did. I recently had a friend strip off his shirt, wave it around like a crazy person and shed tears when his Man Utd. beat Chelsea for the UEFA Champions Cup. While he was doing this, the only thing running through my mind was "He is so going to regret this tomorrow when I make fun of him!" and "I wonder if he would trade this moment to get laid?"

My point is, sports make us do crazy things, behave in crazy ways. Sometimes its worth it. Sometimes you just wish you could walk away. Cause sometimes the heartbreak is worse than when that HCHHSSTT at the bar turns you down for the tenth time in one night.

My First Man Post

2008-05-21T05:44:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting next to a friend who wants me to discuss something on my post. Apparently she claims I spend way too much time discussing HCHHSSTT's and other "Inane" topics. Personally I don't agree with her point of view but I figured since she's a friend I'll do her a favor and discuss whatever it is she wants me to discuss. I guess we'll be leaving the "Stalker" post I had all prepared for another day.

So today's post is going to be about how women find men "convenient". The first thing I did is get clarification on what she means by convenient: apparently it means that men are always thinking that women are mad, always at fault, and that men do whatever pleases them, when it pleases them.

Now after analysing this argument from her, I've basically realised that I was wrong and that maybe somewhere she had a point.

We do think women are mad and are insane and are almost always at fault. I mean let's see women say "No!" when they mean "Yes!" and vice versa. They expect us to guess their multiple mood swings and we're also supposed to know the answer to the question "Do these jeans make my ass look big?" and "Do you really love me?". I mean come on! Really??? Now, that doesn't mean we won't put up with it! We'll deal with the insanity, I mean after all there are varying degree's of insanity and us Manly Men have nothing but love for all the women out there and personally if dealing with the insanity gets me laid again sometime this decade, well then so be it!

Now on another note do we always do things when it suits us? Yes, we do. I won't lie. We're selfish creatures and we love ourselves a lot. Enough so that we don't have to deal with self confidence issues the way all women do (Example of how ALL women suffer from self confidence issues: I told a model this weekend how stunning she looked, her response was "Don't say things you don't mean". This from a super hot model I would give my left and right nuts to date. Oh! And she was serious when she said that!). This inadvertently makes us do whatever we want when we want. This is how the booty call came around, lets face it we wanted sex at 3 am cause we couldn't sleep because we were suffering from our daily bout of rampant horniness and called the first girl we could think off. Wham! Booty call!

So, yes I totally see where this girl is coming from and I feel for her pain, cause after all for her to be calling us men convenient it must mean that one of us men did something which was probably very inconvenient for her. It's not easy being a girl I understand that, but really don't you women bring a lot of this on yourselves? After all you are the ones that answered that 3 am Booty call.

My First Non Debate

2008-05-20T06:11:00.000-07:00

There I was, at a loss! Completely at a loss! I had no topic for today's post and frankly after yesterdays ho-hum post I needed a winner. I think for the first time in my life I felt like how the New York Times sports editor must've felt like after the Knicks failed to make the playoffs for the millionth time in a row.

But then it hit me, the way the New York Times sports editor ran right into the Superbowl and the Giants winning it. I ran into the most awesome column topic. In fact its such an awesome topic it's a non debate!

What is it? Drum roll please..... Ta da! 10 reason's why its better to be a Manly Man then a woman. I know this is a controversial topic and will raise many a hackle. Really though when you think about it, it's a non starter. Us Manly Men win from the get go.

The Reasons are:

1) We live in a male dominated society and get to do what we want. We also know how to use video recorders (Or in this day and age TIVO!) and don't need to look up instruction manuals for most electronic items.

2) We can have all the sex we want and never have to worry about getting labelled a slut.

3) We get to stare at all the HCHHSSTT's out there and not feel guilty about it.

4) We get to make completely stupid decisions in our relationships and then blame it on God by saying "God gave us a brain and a penis... but only enough blood to run one at a time!"

5) We can spend all day laying on the couch, eating chips, drinking beer, watching sports and never have to worry about looking fat in our jeans.

6) Did I mention we get to have all the sex that we want and never have to worry about getting labelled a slut? If I did... Did I also mention that we never have to fear about getting pregnant?

7) It takes us 5 mins to get ready for work, which means we get that much more sleep everyday than the average women.

8) We do half the work that women do and get paid twice as much for it as they do.

9) We don't have to shave our arms, legs, underarms, and nether regions. If we do shave our nether regions its a major bonus. But, we aren't required too.

10) Finally and probably one of the most reasons Manly Men have it better than women is that we get to Pee standing up! This is turn allows us to write our names in the most awesome of places with our Pee and that's just one activity!

I mean after that, is there any doubt how good we have it? Now, this is only if you are a Manly Man. If you are half a Man, well then you get some of the perks but not all. Either way it's still a stunning advantage and I for one would not have it any other way.

My First Meeting

2008-05-19T07:52:00.000-07:00

I love meeting's. They generally mean getting to sit with groups of people and discuss matters completely unrelated to life or death. Now that's always fun!

Yep, meetings can always be fun. Whether they are with a group of work colleagues, or meeting friends for a beer or meeting up with an HCHHSSTT over a toasty meal and an unlimited supply of wine - my personal favourite and it just doesn't happen enough!

The problem with meetings are when you sit with a group of people and not one of you has a common idea, or even the inclination to listen to each other let alone actually accept what the other has to say.

Wait... Did I say problem? I meant let the fun begin! Imagine a meeting where everybody is speaking at once, about matters completely unrelated to each other. You have one person elaborating the same retarded plan over and over in an attempt to disguise his stupidity. You have another person saying something completely unrelated to the topic and completely failing to disguise his stupidity. You also have a person who makes a little bit of sense but completely fails to make his point and hence refuses to accept other peoples points. Finally you have a lone voice of reason that is drowned out and in the end appears most nonsensical because well it makes that much sense.

So what do you do at a point like this? Well the smart thing is to adjourn knowing that nothing will be resolved. The smarter thing yet is to just be a Manly Man and make a decision (if you have the power!) and the smartest thing yet is to sit back and enjoy the show.

My First Calling Out

2008-05-17T05:50:00.000-07:00

I'm back! That's right... My Cold has almost left my system (God! I didn't mean to jinx it!) and apart from the slightest bit of parched throat that can be inconvenient when in the mood to make out, life is a lot better.

So, what am I going to voice out today to all my ardent readers out there? It's simple. This is a post dedicated to a person. Actually, it is kinda dedicated to a lot of people out there. A lot of the same kind of people. I know your question is What kind of people?

Well, the kind of people that always make up excuses. You see its those people that say one thing and then when the right opportunity presents itself they run away. I'm not quite sure what you call these people as it's pretty apparent from my post's grammar and language are not my strong point. Having said that lets just call them insecure.

I mean it really bothers me to see people constantly crying out about their lack of opportunities or all the injustices that happen to them when in reality they are too blame for it. I've never really blasted a race or religion on my blog post before, but today that is going to change. Now, before I blast them I want you to understand that the race I'm about to blast is the same one I'm a part of (So technically, It is Politically Correct!).

That said Indian people are just way too insecure for their own good.

Whether its at work where everybody is so insecure with what they offer a company that they hate anybody new that joins, or it's the dude at the bar sitting with an HCHHSSTT who he's good friends with and never going to sleep with cock blocking you, or its that girl who claims to want to get a new special someone in her life but doesn't have the guts to go out and meet new people. The worst part is, they actually make excuses for themselves and think this is normal.

Let me tell you people, its not normal. Get with the program nobody is perfect, nobody is infallible, and nobody is going to go through life constantly having his way (Hell, even Michael Jordan has problems and Jesus Christ did get crucified!). My point is, if you can learn to accept your inadequacies and learn to be less insecure about them. You might just end up a couple of steps in front instead of always on the same spot.

My First Bad Day

2008-05-16T05:51:00.000-07:00

Well, I hate today. Its not because I haven't met any HCHHSSTT's, nor is it because I'm planning to NOT drink tonight. Hell, its not even because I have to find a new apartment within the next 2 weeks or risk being stuck on the road with a PS3 and no air conditioning.

No, it's because I can't stop myself from falling asleep at my desk. No matter what I'm looking at I keep falling asleep! Have you ever had that happen to you? I've tried doing everything from drinking coffee to having my eyelids taped to keep them awake. None of it is working.

As I type this page I can feel my eyes just shutting. Personally I wish I could blame my tiredness on the fact that I spent all last night with a couple of HCHHSSTT's and they refused to let me sleep.

I guess the bottom line is "My Bad" I cannot stay awake. You remember those old Tom and Jerry cartoon's, now I know what Tom felt like and man do I sympathize with him.

You are probably curious if it's because my Job is that boring, and Yes, while it is that boring. Its sufficiently challenging and keeps me awake. Today, everytime I've looked at this all important XLS on my screen I've felt my eye lids shut. The worst part about falling asleep at work when you have a cold is that you end up snoring really loudly, whether you like it or not.

I guess it's really just one of those day's.

My First Rule Guide

2008-05-15T07:01:00.000-07:00

So, I believe I have progressed far enough to come up with my own rule guide. Now obviously the first question is What is a Rule Guide? after which your other questions are What is the Rule Guide on? Why not call it a rule book instead? and finally Who authorized you (that would be me) to write a Rule Guide?

Well, have no fear because I have answers for all those questions:

1) A Rule guide (For the sake of simplicity will be referring to the Rule Guide as RG going forward) is a set of rules to help guide people through carrying out certain tasks. These are not rules laid down as right or wrong, they are there as a guiding light. Failing to adhere to these rules does not send you to prison. Nope, they just send you down to the dark side.

2) Today's RG will be on how to be an AWESOME Manly Man friend. Not a good pussy ass friend but an AWESOME Manly Man friend.

3) We don't call it a rule book because it's not a book, it's a guide and a RG can be amended and updated as time and situations change.

4) Well, lets see... My Blog, My Time, My Wish? That and the fact that I am an AWESOME Manly Man friend. So I already know the rules, and am in many ways an expert. For references on this please feel free to contact me.

Now what makes a normal person an AWESOME Manly Man friend. Well a couple of things really:

1) Self Sacrifice: You have to be the perfect Wingman, in the worst of situations you need to help your buddy. If this means giving up your last $5 until next week's payday so your buddy can drop the redheaded HCHHSSTT he is macking on in front of you with while ignoring your existence in a yellow cab and in the process get some nookie. You Give it up.

2) Self Sacrifice 2: If your buddy asks you to check his breath cause he has a cold and can't check his own breath and he's got his eyes set on the lovely brunette HCHHSSTT sitting at the bar. You check his breath! You don't complain, you just do it! Trust me he will do the same for you.

3) Manly Man Bonding: One must always be willing to meet up with his fellow same-sex buddies for a round of drinking and shenanigans. While spending time with only sausages can bring down every Manly Man's spirit, once in a while it's a good thing to do. It also reminds you of what being a Man is truly about.

4) Not Judging People: The most important point of all, never judge your Manly Man friends. Every Manly Man has his moments of weakness, if you see him crying like a little girl because the HCHHSSTT he wanted to sleep with shattered his confidence then it's up to you to show him courage and not judge him. If you see the man drunk and sleeping with anything but an HCHHSSTT you must not judge him instead remember mistakes happen for a reason.

5) Man Love: It's OK to love another man, in a completely heterosexual way and also to indulge in rare cases of Man hugs. These are normal and should not at any time set you off balance. Also, please remember that the increased intake of Alcohol is directly proportional to the increase in the number of hugs and "I love you's". That does not mean you need to stop drinking.

This is just a broad layout for my Rule Guide, obviously there are a lot more things that we can work on and add, and if you my ardent readers feel like adding valid points, please feel free to comment them based on their level of importance. I may just add them to the blog and award credit to the right people.

My First Sickly Day

2008-05-14T07:22:00.000-07:00

I have a complaint to make. OK, I know I complain a lot, but this complain is valid.

This is something I've seen since I was a kid and its disgusting, wrong and completely irresponsible of people to do this. You would think that there would be laws that would outlaw this kind of behaviour. Guess again! There are no laws, no rules, no compromises. If there were it would just make too much sense.

I've been sick for the last 5 friggin days. Do you realise how I spent my awesome weekend? No, I wasn't out getting nookie from an HCHHSSTT, I wasn't getting a free BBQ meal (Nothing beats BBQ) and I sure as hell wasn't getting drunk. Instead I was at home asleep because I was and still am suffering from this godawful cold that refuses to leave my system.

Now, yes most people would say "Colds happen... can't be helped". Well let me tell you: Colds do not just happen! You get them from people, specifically from colleagues that refuse to stay home when sick. You remember back in High School when you'd always have that one sick person coming to school because their parents didn't want them to finish second in class. (Wait now that I think about it that makes more sense, the parents probably sent the kid to get everybody else sick, that would be the only way he could finish top of his class). A couple of months ago, everybody at work got conjunctivitis because one person showed up to work as they didn't want to take the day off!

My point is, sick leave is there to be used! Use it dammit! I know you'd rather leave it for a day when you actually aren't sick, but fact is your diseases are spreading and now you've gone and antagonized me by making me really sick.

I believe I'm going to start a movement where anybody that comes to work or school sick will be hanged! Who all are with me? I know you are with me!! Come on now?!?

My First Game

2008-05-09T07:20:00.000-07:00

I've been accused of playing games. Apparently people think that I play games with other people. I pull their heart strings and twirl them around. That is a lie.

OK, true I do torture people psychologically but thats because those people deserve to be tortured. For instance my brother, I love him deeply, but lets face it after 16 years of physically torturing me, I'm just starting to get some payback. Most other times I believe I am a very nice person and could even get testimonials from people to prove it. I don't even enjoy games... well except for Strip Poker and the PS3 but thats different.

The point is, most Manly Men don't like playing games. We believe in getting the girl without having to play games where we act all mysterious and chase the woman and basically make fools of ourselves. I like to think of us more as cavemen... we take what we want and we aren't shy about it.

The point is, if I give an HCHHSSTT my number or vice versa I expect a call or I will call her, but I will not play games about it. I know... I know... All women love the chase, they love knowing how important they are to men. They like to feel special and hey you can't blame women for wanting to feel special, even Manly Men have rare moments where they want to feel special. But let me just warn all you women out there, the chase tires us Manly Men to the point that when we finally get the girl, we're already too tired and bored to do anything and more than likely will sleep with you and then dump you. Its the way of the world and I have nothing to do with it.

My point is games are for kids, lets leave it to them. For the record just cause I don't like chasing women doesn't mean I'm not a Romantic.

My First Max

2008-05-08T09:59:00.001-07:00

OK I won't lie, I got a new credit card and I did the most normal thing with it.

That's right I maxed it out.

Now, before most of you guys start laughing and saying derogatory things about me, I'd like you all to realise that every use of the card was well thought out and planned. In fact, I would go as far as to say that I planned it better than the Invasion of Normandy.

Now, most of you all are thinking that I probably used it on some HCHHSSTT's, but the fact of the matter is that I am not completely irresponsible. I used it for things that are way more important.

What kind of things you ask? Well unfortunately I am not at liberty to disclose that information. I just wanted to let you all know that I maxed out my credit card making wise decisions.

Anyways, the reason I am writing about this is because I want to figure out what it was that possessed me to max out this credit card. I mean was it because of "Need"? or was it because of "Want"? Man, it could also have been that I was possessed by Britnet Spears and made to max out my credit card? (and No, it wasn't female lingerie... we all know Britnet goes commando!) Finally, it could just be because I inherited my respective parents gene's and they both happen to be spend thrifts.

Quick Note: Now Mom and Dad if you are reading this, please don't get upset. This is how it is, personally I'd rather have spend thrifts for parents then a bunch of cheap people who didn't ever buy me anything awesome for my various birthdays. Thanks for that Aiwa system Mom and Dad thanks for the Enfield down payment.. see I appreciate you guys!

So I guess, it would come down to either "Need" or "Want", but really whats the difference I needed and wanted everything I bought. Isn't it awesome? and best of all I get to blame it on my gene's.

Life is good, God please don't take it all away from me.

My First bit of Wishful Thinking

2008-05-07T09:20:00.000-07:00

OK first off I know its a long title, couldn't be helped. Secondly its not as bad as you think.

Its hard having women for friends, cause no matter how hard you try you almost always end up thinking about them sexually especially at the most inconvenient situations and this has the potential to lead to some really weird situations. Most of the time though its under control, at least we hope it is.

The problem arises when you meet a girl who you've known since she was a kid. This is where it gets hard and I'll explain why.

So there you are growing up with this girl who is a lot younger than you, lets say about 4- 7 years younger than you. Now, when you are growing up you don't have any dirty thoughts in your head,all you can think about are 101 different ways to make this girl's life miserable simply because you can (Yes, I was and am a bully... can't be helped its a character flaw!). In a way she's sorta like that sister you never had or in my case the sister you had but couldn't torment (not out of any fault of mine).

Now, fast forward 10 years to the future, the girl just turned 21 and you are about 26. This is where it gets tricky, cause now when you meet this girl she's all grown up and is literally an HCHHSSTT. So what do you do?

Well... I have no clue! There I was all confused, I didn't know whether to be all brotherly or whether to screw it all and just be lecherous and make a move.

The problem is, its a confusing situation for any guy, none of us guys know what to do! I mean the right thing to do is be all brotherly, but then again the right thing to do is to get the HCHHSSTT.

All those porn movies "Naughty America - My Best friends Sister", they all lie. Its never as easy as they make it out to be.

I guess in the end, you just hope the evening passes by really fast and you next time you see her, she no longer an HCHHSSTT or you happen to be dating a girl who is an Hotter HCHHSSTT.

Pfft... Wishful Thinking.

My First Admission

2008-05-06T05:59:00.000-07:00

No, this is not about the time I was accepted into primary school and was ecstatic about it, or the time that one time when I first got into a strip club and didn't have to pay my way in.

This is basically me admitting to all my ardent readers out there why I blog. I mean sure there are tons of make belief reasons. It could be cause its a way for me to vent out my frustrations, its a nice way to air out my beliefs to the world. Maybe this was my way to let my family know that I do have some talent, deep down hidden talent... very very deep down.

I guess I could take the easy way out and say that "Yes" those are all the reasons why I write my blog, but the fact is I'd be lying to myself and more importantly YOU (Imagine a poster of Uncle Sam pointing at you!).

No, the three primary reasons behind me writing this blog are simple and in my opinion trumps all the above reasons, it may not be as awesome or as heart warming, but at least its the truth.

I write this blog in the hopes that one day somebody famous and powerful comes across it and realises my true potential as a writer of sorts, hell I'll even take a journalist job. I mean don't get me wrong I'm not fanatical about writing and I think all my grammatical and spelling mistakes have already shown all of you that, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't love being a journalist (specifically sports section!) or even a writer in Hollywood (that's a stretch but its a possibility!).

The second reason is basically an attempt at finding true love, that's right I yearn for the opportunity to find an HCHHSSTT through my blog. I can picture it now, a scantily clad woman surfing the net, comes across my blog and finds my topics riveting and she promptly decides to email me with pictures of her scantily clad. Now, most people will say this is a long shot, but fact is its a whole lot better than online dating. At least here I'm not making a blatant attempt at getting women! (OK, Now I am!)

The third and final reason is I hope to gain so much notoriety that my blog becomes so famous that I can finally have ads displayed all over it and make money from them, thereby becoming the next millionaire blogger! (This is also reaching, but possible!)

There you go, those are the reasons behind my logging in every day and writing about things that matter! Things that truly hit home! Things that nobody has the guts to write or talk about.
If you find this hard to believe, well then in the words of the Immortal Col. Nathan R. Jessep "You can't handle the truth!"

My First Selfish Post

2008-05-05T11:21:00.000-07:00

You know I will be the first person to admit "I am Selfish!". Damn right I am selfish. If I wasn't selfish, then I believe that every tom, dick and harry is going to take advantage of me. If I wasn't selfish I'd find myself sharing all my food with other people and probably a few pounds lighter because of it. If I wasn't selfish then I wouldn't be out chasing HCHHSSTT's instead I'd be settling for any girl that came along. Oh hell if I wasn't selfish, I would never have left New York for Bombay... dammit!

The point of all the above self deprecation is simple, everybody is selfish to a certain extent. Some people are just more selfless than others and occasionally you get a few people that are more selfish.

Now, I'm generally proud of most of my selfish friends and family. I applaud their selfishism (I just created a new word) with great pride, but every once in a while when somebody does something that is stupidly selfish it just really upsets me.

I don't normally like to rant and rave, but since this is my Blog and I'm allowed to bitch all I want. I just wanted to take this opportunity to bitch against all those stupidyly (another new word, thats two in one post!) selfish people. Frankly all of you are giving the rest of us "normal" people a really bad name. I mean
come on, take a look in the mirror and grow up. Its not always about you. Sometimes its about the other people that fortunately for you, have surrounded you and given you the benefit of the doubt.

I'm not one to preach but to certain people with weird names that are stupidly selfish I say "Grow the fuck up you stupid bitch!" Now, please forgive me for my language it couldn't be helped.

Now I promise to post less with anger and rage and more with humor and gayness.

My First Semi Pseudo Secret

2008-05-03T03:36:00.000-07:00

I'll let you guys into a little secret, every night before I go to bed I say a little prayer where I ask the Man above to make sure I don't have any dreams. But, honestly I love dreams, personally they make my day. Nothing beats an awesome dream. Its like your very own movie running through your head. I guess that prayer hasn't changed simply because I haven't updated my prayer, but I digress. Back to the matter at hand.

I mean there you are in your dream where all of a sudden you are Superman, granted you can't fly very high (cause maybe your sub conscious realizes that you are slightly big boned!), or there was this one time where I was driving a car jumped a massive hill and basically flew up in the air our of the car seat.. only to see the car land below and me about to land somewhere on the seat.

The funny part about dreams are, even the nightmares can be pretty cool. My most favourite nightmare was when I was being chased through my school halls by this random dude, and he was out to stab me. So there I was panicking! What should I do? Well, I let him stab me and pretended I was dead, only to get up and walk away once he was done! It was awesome! There are some nightmares that really piss you off, the one time I kept dreaming of spiders cause I watched some stupid movie named Eight Legged Freaks that only had spiders in it. Well lets just say I got so bored of the nightmare I couldn't get any sleep.

Finally, I come to my favourite dreams, that's right the explicit ones. Now, don't get all shy and lie to everybody saying you never have one. Everybody has these, its the way of the world. My most favourite one was me hooking up with 3 HCHHSSTT's at the same time! In some ways it was a nightmare because I didn't think I could live up to the pressure.

I guess the only bad thing about dreams are that you have to wake up from them, but damned they leave you smiling. Even the really weird ones... but that's another story.

My First Brownie

2008-05-02T04:12:00.000-07:00

First, I'd like to apologize for the fact that I have been unable to blog for the last two days. Fact is I was sick at home and also I refused to leave my new PS3 alone at home. So, I killed two birds with one stone. I know all you avid readers missed me, so I've decided to make it up to all of you, my awesomely avid readers.

So, I'm going to talk about something that will stun people, simply because they don't realise it exists. I am going to talk about the Brownie System. Some of you will probably stop reading at this point and think that I'm talking out of my ass (if you don't stop now, you may be inclined to stop later. I implore you to keep reading till the end). For those of you that continue, the Brownie System is simple, it's the basis of all relationships.

The Brownie System works on the basis that all men will screw up in a relationship, especially us Manly Men. Let's face it, all that Manliness leads to us getting cocky (hehe!) and hence we say and make stupid mistakes. Cheating on a girl by the way and then getting caught is not a Manly Man mistake. Those are made by pussy men. However, I digress. I shall discuss this in detail in another post.

Anyways, the point is we know we're going to screw up, so in an effort to minimise the damage we do things. Things that are special. Things that are cliche. For instance, a buddy of mine was going to spend the day alone with his girlfriend in his house (parents out of town!) and so he decided to play the guitar for her and sing her a song. Let me tell you, that alone was worth 10 Brownie Points (Takes 100 Brownie Points to bring a girlfriend's anger down by one level). 10 Brownie Points are a lot in case you were wondering. Another friend of mine took a day off and spent it taking care of his sick girlfriend. Even I use the Brownie Point system, I would SMS my former ex-girlfriends sweet nothings that would leave their hearts a-flutter.

Now, the thing is the Brownie Point system can also be used for other things instead of just getting you out of trouble. You can trade it for favors, such as laundry, cooking or, my personal favourite, naked pictures.

The blessed part of the Brownie Point system is that you never lose the points, the rewards are great and they can be refunded when you break up by having break up sex. And if more credit card companies and airlines used the Brownie Point system instead of their current Miles system, they would see a mass increase in revenue.

The Brownie System is, in one word, Awesome.

Disclaimer: Brownie can be used on HCHHSSTT's but is not as effective as on regular girlfriends.

My First Closure

2008-04-29T03:49:00.000-07:00

Its taken a while, but finally its done. I got what I've been waiting for, and its been a long time coming let me tell you. People always underestimate the value of closure. I never understood that, I've always believe that you need closure in everything you do, otherwise you will go on questioning everything around you and more importantly yourself. Without closure comes doubt.

It doesn't matter what you need it for. It could be for a job you quit because you didn't feel you were getting recognition (Go to the BOSS and let him know whose da man!), could be that you were a world famous athlete but failed to retire on a positive note (Michael Jordan ala 2002), could also be when you approached that HCHHSSTT at the bar and she refused to give you an answer (Silence is not always golden, I wish women would remember that!), and finally it could be that one relationship of yours that didn't work out because of circumstances and you've never known if it could work out (These are the worst one's they haunt you, they really do!).

Sometimes all it takes to get closure is a simple phone call (this is my favourite way!), sometimes a life altering event and sometimes you could just end up knocking on heavens door. How you get it doesn't matter, all that matters is that you have to move on. We all have our insecurities, why would you want to add to it?

Me, I got my closure and it was great. I'll be honest I knew I needed it, just didn't realise how much I needed it. While this all may seem soppy, sad and sentimental, all us Manly Men know that sometimes to be a man, you've got to admit accept the truth, not everything can be funny no matter how hard you try.

In the end all I know is next time I'm at a bar and I spot an HCHHSSTT, I'm going to get me some answers Clint Eastwood style.

My First Thirty

2008-04-28T06:10:00.000-07:00

Well, we've done it! What everybody thought impossible has been made possible. For those that doubted us, those that didn't think we had the guts to make it this far let alone the talent. In the words of the immortal Fez I say "Good Day!"

We should all be proud that we've come this far with so little. One must look at this as a lesson in life, it doesn't matter what cards are dealt to you but how you play the hand you are dealt. I truly feel like we've accomplished a great thing.

I finally understand what the great people feel like: Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Obama, Clinton(s) and Hitler! (Nah! I'm just kidding, not Hitler... only a moron could've lost WWII the way he did!). When you accomplish something so great, so fantastic, so... so... AWESOME! It makes everything else feel so trivial.

Let me also take this moment to say it wasn't easy, we lost a lot of good people along the way. Good people that we'll miss. There were times when we lost our way, but I feel we persevered and pushed on above and beyond what was expected of us.

Mom and Dad we've finally done it. We've reached 30 posts, and we're still going strong. I would take this opportunity to bring up some famous highlights from our older posts but I feel that would be too cliche. Instead I will just have you, my ardent viewers (Without whom none of this would be possible!) imagine that I did it. I would also thank God, but whats the point he already know how I feel!

Finally I would like to dedicate this post to all the HCHHSSTT's out there, without whom this would not be possible. Thank you! Thank you so much!

My First Irritation

2008-04-26T02:45:00.000-07:00

This is something that I've wanted to talk about for a really long time. Its something that comes to my mind and stays there eating away at my mind, my head and my brain. I just didn't quite know when the appropriate time to discuss this would be.

Well after much contemplation, hesitation and doubt I have decided to speak about this subject. There I was riding my bike, trying to pay attention to the road and scope out possible HCHHSSTT's and obviously not succeeding at either. Its a wonder I haven't fallen down more than twice so far. Once, when it was raining and the bike slipped and the other time when I had to save those poor people from getting run over on the road but I digress that is for another time. So there I am riding away, trying to do the impossible job of multi tasking on two things that require absolute concentration, when suddenly my head itches.

That's right my head Itches! No, I do not suffer from dandruff. Yes, my hair is clean (shampoo it a minimum of 3 times a week). And its not the kind of Itch that goes away, its the kind that persists. Now, generally it would be a simple matter of scratching said Itch and being on my way. But, there are two problems that arise at this time; 1) I am riding a bike that requires both hands on the handle bar (one to clutch in, the other to brake and also helps to keep both hands to steer) and 2) I wear a friggin helmet. Have you ever tried to scratch your head through an helmet? Oh and worst of all do you really think I'm going to try and check out HCHHSSTT's when I have an itch I can't take care off.

I mean isn't it just like life to through you a curve ball when you are expecting a fast ball? Right when you are oh so comfortable, you start to itch.

My First Nightmare

2008-04-25T04:35:00.000-07:00

I am so frigging scared, my palms are sweaty, my heart rate has tripled, and I have this nervous tick in my right eye that makes every HCHHSSTT think that I am winking at them. Lets just say my cheek's are not naturally this ruby red color.

I just don't know what to do, this is worse than the time I dreamt about these two HCHHSSTT's, one brunette and one red head and they made me choose between sleeping with them or eating the worlds largest, juiciest, most succulent 20 oz steak (I live in India, nuff said!). Hell its worse than the time I dreamt I was Superman flying in the sky when I lost my ability to fly and started falling to the ground. The only saving grace that time around was that I was invulnerable.

Well, the deal is I suddenly ran into a lot of cash, lets not say from where. I refuse to incriminate myself in any way, and I have this immense decision to make. Do I buy an Xbox 360? or a PS 3? Or Do I just not spend the money at all? (Yeah Right!)

Its a Nightmare I tell you, a nightmare. I think its worse than the time I met that HCHHSSTT, I gathered my courage and asked her for her number and she said "Yes". Do you realise how much pressure that can cause, getting a number from a HCHHSSTT. Nightmare!

And Yes, I just broke the all time record for using the phrase "HCHHSSTT" in one blog post.

My First Disagreement

2008-04-24T03:42:00.000-07:00

I like to believe I am an agreeable person. Sure, there are times when I will take up an argument because I believe the other person to be completely demented (You know who you are!). However, on an everyday basis I would like to believe that I am not argumentative in nature.

Now, keeping this in mind I have a question to ask: Why in the world do women disagree with everything we say? They know we are speaking the truth, yet they chose to disagree. When we are right, as far as they are concerned we are wrong!

They choose to disagree for the sake of disagreeing! This is something that is prominent in all women, My mom (God Bless her soul, I love her dearly!) always chooses to disagree with me, and I can never understand "Why?". My sister, well she's a brat so that doesn't need much of an explanation. Women I work with, chose to disagree with everything us men have to say, I think its done on principle for them. Whatever you say, women will disagree. Now, I'm not saying that we are always correct, nobody is perfect. But, the extent to which they take it is ridiculous.

The worst example is when you go out with your Female Drinking Buddy (FDB going forward) and you come across an HCHHSSTT, and your FDB basically says that there is no way you can land the girl. The fact that you could actually land her has nothing to do with it, she'll just tell you that you can't! Better yet when you are discussing if the HCHHSSTT is wearing underwear or not, your FDB will still disagree all the while knowing that you should not be doubted on a topic like this.

I really do wish women would disagree less, it would lead to a more peaceful world. A world of harmony and happiness! Why can't we all just get along?

My First Man Crush

2008-04-23T04:55:00.000-07:00

First of all before we even go further, I want to state for the record that I am not gay, I am straight. Completely heterosexual and if you need proof all you have to do is leave me in a room with an HCHHSSTT (I had to bring it up this time, I went an entire post without mentioning it!) and I promise the results will prove my heterosexuality.

Now, I'm sure all of us have at some point or other had a Man Crush, a Man Crush is an innocent thing, it could be because the person is an Awsome Athlete: Michael Jordan comes to mind along with Kobe Bryant, it could be because the person is an awesome Musician: Kurt Cobain, Jim Morrison (You know who you are!), or for the really weird people Michael Jackson. The person could also be a Billionaire Entrepreneur: Steve Job's, Bill Gates and Richard Branson come to mind.

The point is all heterosexual men suffer from Man Crushes, and its nothing to be afraid of! Does it mean you are gay? Hell No! It's OK to admire other men, its a very natural thing to do. After all if women can comment and admire other women why can't us men admire other men. I would like to take this moment to reitterate that I am not gay, I am completely heterosexual and I think I have proven it time and time again.

Its just that I felt that we needed to discuss this for all the men out there that go through this and feel shame. We should not feel shame for feeling admiration for a man that has achieved great things and has accomplished so much. Lets be honest, if these men were in fact women, we would be all over them! I mean can u imagine a chick that plays a guitar like Slash and is an HCHHSSTT! I know I would be worshipping the ground she walks on.

My point is, a Man Crush is normal and all Manly Men will admit to it. Its who we are, its what drives us to reach for new heights of greatness! Lets us not make fun of men and their Man Crushes instead let us respect them for being Manly Men and admitting that they admire other Manly Men that deserving of their admiration. However, I would like to point out if you do have a Man Crush for Boy George. Elton John or Peewee Herman you may want to consider coming out of the closet.

I would also like to point out again, I am not gay! I am completely heterosexual and love women. My Man Crush for Batman and Superman is perfectly normal!

My First Time

2008-04-22T05:26:00.000-07:00

So the time has come, that I finally discuss the first time. Yep, THE FIRST TIME!

While some of you will be very interested in reading about this, some of you may not and there will be a few (very few) that will be repulsed. Unfortunately, it can't be helped. We all knew this time would come sooner or later and there is just no time like the present.

Most people treasure their First Time, and I guess in many ways I probably treasure my First Time too. On reflection I always wonder what I could have done differently to make it more special. Then it occurs to me, can your First Time even be special? There you are fumbling, bumbling and stumbling your way around and lets be honest all of us fumble, bumble and stumble the First Time. So how exactly is this supposed to be special?

The fumbling, bumbling and stumbling would make you believe that maybe your First Time isn't special, maybe its the Seventh Time that would be special. I mean if you haven't figured out things by your Seventh Time you are pretty much a goner. You would be destined to spend the rest of your life in misery because of your sheer lack of competence. For the record my Seventh Time was pretty special. Not just because I managed to get to seven but also because I'd like to believe I wasn't fumbling, bumbling and stumbling about as much.

I believe I'm different from most people (Yeah, we all say it! But the difference is I believe it!). Most people the First Time over compensate and well lets just say they can't handle the pressure and release early. Not me, I didn't over compensate and I sure didn't release early... I just couldn't start. There I was and I couldn't start. Ever hear the expression "Deer in headlights", well that was me. It's not like I didn't want to start, its just that I couldn't start, In retrospect I guess even the best of things won't start when they don't want too.

And let me tell you, contrary to public opinion laughter is not the best medicine, especially at a time like this! Not only was it not appreciated, but First Time laughter nearly got me killed.

Eventually I did get started and things turned out pleasantly enough, was it as good as the Seventh Time? Of course not but you live and you learn.

And No! This time I am not talking about the First Time I rode my bike. That was worse!

My First Dedication

2008-04-21T04:51:00.001-07:00

So I've been asked by a friend to write about her in my blog. Now, I could do the noble thing and write her a rave review. I could also just do what I usually do and ignore her request. However, I've decided to go against the norm and not only write about her, but try and make it interesting for all my ardent readers out there. How interesting? Well, its probably good toilet reading material.

So this friend, well she's an HCHHSSTT.

She's funny in spurts, she's equal amounts irritating and generous. She is the worlds worst back seat driver, but man does she look hot on the back of a bike. She follows sports, she is smart and brags about the fact that she is a professional over and over again (except you wonder how exactly she managed to become one, more on that later!) and like I said, she an HCHHSSTT.

And no, I'm not sleeping with her. However, I did date her once. Which puts me at one HCHHSSTT more than what most men get in a lifetime.

Remember, I said she was smart, well yeah she is except when it comes to men. She can be a little bit of a duh on that topic. Wait, not just men but a couple of other things too.

This one time a random guy gets her number and calls her using work as an excuse, then asks her to dinner and drinks and takes her out to a hot club, and basically does everything an average loser of a guy would do in an attempt to get laid. Now most women by this time would realise whats going on and either ditch the loser or sleep with him. Nope, not this girl she thinks he's being nice and only wants to help her career!

As far as she is concerned a "Split AC" is supposed to actually split in two and cool two rooms. Recently her significant other bought a Split AC for their apartment and she screamed at him for 20 minutes, cause it didn't cool two rooms.

Don't even get me started on when we go watch a movie, she constantly loses the plot literally and figuratively.

Now, you guys are probably wondering why am I wasting my time writing about her and your time making you read this dedication to her. I could say its in an attempt to get her in bed, but lets be honest I know and she knows it would never work out. She's just too much of an HCHHSSTT for me. We tried once and failed miserably.

No, I guess its just my way of letting her know how I feel about her. Equal amounts frustration and love.

My First Decision

2008-04-19T03:55:00.000-07:00

I have come to a decision, one that I expect will land me in a lot of trouble, but its one I have spent considerable time over and have decided to take sacrifice my well being for the team. I feel like a matyr right now, infact if this was a perfect world: a) I wouldn't have to post what I'm about too, b) Even if I did have to post it, I would receive knightship/sainthood for saying it or c) worst case scenario I would die and get a whole bunch of naked female virgins waiting for me up above.

Now I request all the women in the world to please read the following lines carefully: Facial hair does not look good on women!

That's right facial hair is for men, and even then only for Manly Men. You see I understand that its hard to avoid facial hair, I really do. I understand your plight, but the fact is that little xtubble you have on your chin, well its just not working for you. Not even when you bleach it and think we can't see it! It doesn't matter if the hair is black, blonde, peach or sunshiny bright its still hair that we can see, and well, you will kill me for saying this but it has to be done: Its just not right!

Please, for the sake of all that is good in this world thread that moustache, wax that beard (or whatever it is that gets rid of it!) and for god sakes side burns are not in! Not on men and definitely not on women.

I know us men, we're ugly and we're not much too look at even on our best days but the fact is women are beautiful, especially all the HCHHSSTT and its a travesty that the one of the few things in the world that makes it as awesome as it is, allows a small thing like facial hair to get in the way. If it was upto me, I would have the government invest money into researching ways to remove facial hair on women with minimal paid and effort, unfortunately its not upto me (see this is where the world is not perfect!).

So please for the sake of the betterment of this world, I emplore you to do whats right!