Thursday, March 26, 2009

Writing a book

Last night, I was laying in bed and trying to get to sleep. Lately though I've started listening to music before I fall asleep. The problem with this is, that I generally can't sleep until the entire playlist is done. Yes, I know it's kind of ironic that the music I listen to so I can fall asleep is the same music that keeps me awake. Anyway, I digress. So there I was trying to fall asleep when this random thought passed my mind.

Now as far as random thoughts go, this wasn't as random as the thought of me dropping a piano on my sisters head from a four story building. It probably isn't as random as the thought of becoming the first Indian Astronaut to play golf on Pluto.

No this random thought was basically me thinking about writing a book. I would like to take this opportunity to blame these kind of thoughts on my mother who is determined to push me into the field of writing. So anyway, since the thought had popped into my head and since I couldn't get to sleep I decided to entertain it for a bit.

The first question that came to my mind was "What the hell would I write about?". I can't really write anything serious because well let's face it, it would turn out to be pure drivel. I could try to write about fiction since I enjoy books like Lord of the Rings, The Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, etc. Unfortunately, my imagination sucks. The only thing my imagination is good for is imagining a naked HCHHSSTT doing a very seductive strip tease on the imaginary stripping pole in my bedroom and basically making my day. I'm almost a hundred percent sure nobody wants me to write about that. So there I was stuck before I even started.

Then it occurred to me! Why not write a book about 101 way's to lose an HCHHSSTT. After all I feel that I have enough experience in this field. Not necessarily because it's all happened to me, but also because I know enough people that happen to be "dating challenged". Here are just five points that I thought I'd bring up:

1) Do not ever on any condition listen to Sri Lankan best friends that believe they know everything there is to know about women by reading online articles!

2) Do not ever on any condition listen to Indian best friends that believe they know everything there is to know about women by reading "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus".

3) Whatever you do, do not bring up any jokes that end with you saying "Don't worry! I promise to stalk you!" (Sigh, yes not the highlight of my life!).

4) Do not ever try to hit on two different women that are best friends one after the other. Especially when you lack the sexual competency of Hugh Hefner, Hugh Jackman or Hugh Grant.

and finally...

5) Whatever you do, and this is very important my dear ardent readers, DO NOT ever get drunk, make out with an engaged chick and hope that her best friend will find that "Hot".

So, I think I may have the beginnings of something good here. Then again, I'm sure somebody else has probably beaten me to the punch.

C'est La Vie.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Inner Child

You remember the time when you were say 12 years old and you went to the supermarket and were yearning for some chocolate and your Mom said "It's either the chocolate or dinner!"?

Or how about that new pen you wanted because you were finally going to start writing with a pen and no longer have to use a pencil but your Mom said "You are not buying a new expensive pen, when you can use my (cheap) ball point pen?

Or what about that time when you were 15 and went out with your friends and your Mom gave you enough cash to play any one arcade game or you could get a burger from BK (Burger King)? You couldn't do both!

If you didn't have a single one of those moments, then well sorry but you didn't really have much of a childhood!

See, I remember all those times. I always thought they would leave me scarred for life. Fact is, they've actually made me appreciate the finer things in life.

The other day BWSP, Wishy Washy (another colleague) and myself were feeling nibbly, so we decided we'd go get some grub off the street. We settled on Ice cream. Wishy Washy decided to get ice cream on a stick and quite enjoyed his first one. However, he still felt nibbly after that and decided to grab one more ice cream on a stick. Now, I must add there is nothing quite like ice cream on a stick. Nuff Said!

So there he was, licking away quite gleefully I might add, at his ice cream when suddenly disaster struck. The ice cream fell of the stick! By the way half the fun when eating ice cream on a stick is to make sure you finish it before it melts and falls. However I digress.

Let me tell you, the look on the poor boys face when that ice cream fell. Sigh, I could feel his pain. After all its Ice cream on a stick! The poor boy (he's 24 years old and going strong!) had a look of such pain and horror on his face. Truly, it looked as if he was about to shed a tear. The 6 year old in him must've been bawling.

Then it finally occurred to him, the best part about getting older is you probably have a job that pays you. The 6 year old in Wishy Washy was staring out at us with joy and happiness!

You can finally do what you want! It doesn't matter if it's another ice cream on a stick, a new expensive pen, chocolates from the supermarket, arcade games and a burger. Hell, you can even get that HCHHSSTT at the bar the drink of her choice!


When you get older, your Inner Child finally gets everything he dreamed about. Trust me, the look on Wishy Washy's face said it all as he got to eat his third ice cream on a stick for the day.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

What's in a routine?

I'd like to believe that I am an exciting person, I'm a person that is all about doing at least one thing a day that is crazy and wacky. After all I'm spontaneous, bubbling to the brim with life, forever filled with a sense of excitement and adventure. Let's face it, danger is my middle name.

Sigh, Like I said it's what I'd like to believe.

In fact I think we all like to believe that we're all individuals that do what we want, when we want. Unfortunately, we are all just slaves to routine.

You can disagree all you want, but it doesn't matter how you look at it.

My colleague "BWSP" claims he chooses to do what he does. He chooses to do the following tasks every morning of every day for God only knows how many years: Brush teeth, make coffee, pull up on a chair, grab newspaper, sip on coffee, read newspaper. This goes on for at least an hour.

I myself wake up every morning, play some music, brush my teeth, take a dump and follow it up with a shower.

There are other routines I have, like taking a small break everyday at work around 5 PM, taking a smoke break every day after "Dinner" which by the way needs to take place regularly at 9 PM. It doesn't even matter that I generally don't have any "dinner" and just end up snacking on whatever junk our canteen passes for food. Hell, I don't even smoke. Yet, everyday without fail BWSP and I carry out this process of "Dinner" and smoke. In his defense, he actually does eat dinner and he does smoke.

What I've realised is scary about everything is that I'll wake up one morning after 20 years that I just spent the entire time doing the exact same thing every morning. That my ardent readers is a scary thing.

So, whats the point of this entire post? Nothing really, I just wanted to make all of you realise that maybe you all aren't as spontaneous as you'd like to believe. Yes, I can be very cruel.

So when you wake up 20 years from now, just know that I warned you.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Midnight Snack Etiquette

I'd like to believe we live in a civilized world. A world where common sense prevails, a world where people act with common decency, a place with a sense of etiquette. A time where the common populace believes in something called "manners".

However, most recently my belief was shattered! Nay! Not shattered but ripped out of my guts and trampled on. To have this belief ripped out in such a harsh cruel way left me oh so saddened and longing for some kind of relief.

What or who was behind the loss of faith that I had for my fellow man? Well I won't say who, but I will tell you the events leading upto the ripping out of the guts.

Assume it was a pleasant night, the stars were shining, the wind rustling in the air, the dirt and allergens rising into your nostrils. It was a good night, and it was a night to celebrate. So there we were celebrating the night away. Some celebrating more than others.

I'd like to believe that I'm a very carefree person. I'd like to believe that I'm patient, understanding and generous. In fact, I think I'm generous to a fault, and this was proven true on this very night that we were celebrating away.

It started with me sitting in a dark room, sipping on a tall glass of barley brew. When without my knowledge, a pack of rats invaded my kitchen and unbeknownst to me made straight for my mini fridge. Unfortunately, they did not stop at sipping on the beverages that were inside the mini fridge. After all that would be acceptable on a night that was being celebrated away.

Nay! They went straight for the edible goodies and filled themselves to the brim. That still is acceptable. What trully made me lose my belief in all things decent isn't the fact that the pack of rats got to the kitchen, raided my mini fridge and devoured my small stack of edible goodies (Which I was saving for a cold winter, that is about to start in 4 - 6 hours).

Nope, what made me lose all hope is the fact that all this was done under subterfuge. Not once did the pack of rats ask for permission to raid the fridge. Some people would say I'm being a stickler. However, I'd like to believe that if I ever was a rat that had to raid a kitchen, I would have the common decency to say "Please Sir, May I raid that fridge?".

Sigh, T'is indeed a time for mourning. People wonder why there are wars? Why there is famine? Well, this is why! If everybody asked before they grabbed, if they took a minute to pause and ponder that maybe just maybe the concept of "asking" trully is what seperates us from animals. Well, I would imagine fewer wars, fewer famines and packs of rats not raiding my fridge.

On the flip side, somebody should really come up with protocol when dealing with the Midnight Snack Etiquette. Maybe just maybe, I will come up with something. After all, it means a better world for all.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Stuff

I've been meaning to post for a while, but I just find that I either never have the time or the inclination. It's pretty depressing. However, now I find I have the time and the inclination, so here goes!

So this was a pretty busy weekend for me, I managed to get some work done on Suzzanne! Nothing serious, just opened up the muffler so now she really roars, also picked up a new handle bar but need to have that installed. Hopefully, this weekend will be a good time for that.

The problem with spending 6 hours of the day out in the sun getting work done on your bike is that after a hard night of drinking, it can really tire the body out and I ended up spending Saturday night sleeping in bed.

However, Sunday was a different story and while I won't get into details. Let's just say that I found it pretty overwhelming a night.

I found out that people think that I'm unsatisfied with my life and think it really sucks. Don't get me wrong, there are parts of my life I am unsatisfied with, but then isn't that what makes us human? The striving to improve our lives? However, I know for a fact that my life doesn't suck.

Let's face it I've got some really awesome friends out there (they may not be in India, doesn't mean they aren't around!). I'm also not the kind of person that is doing something because that's what the world expects me to do or be. Let's face it life doesn't suck when you dance to your own beat. No matter how little rhythm you may have.

Also, why is it people assume that you are unhappy and feel the need to complain? Why can't they realise that sometimes, you actually are at peace with the world.

Another thing, why do women think that you are interested in them all the time? Whatever happened to having a simple conversation without being interested in someone? This is what leads me to my next two - three sentences which is sure to draw the ire of more than one of my ardent readers, I'm going to go ahead and say them:

1) I refuse to ever volunteer my services to drop any girl home late at night. No matter how drunk. While it seems very un-Manly Man like, trust me when I say it's best for everybody.

2) This is the clincher, and I'm sure it may come back to bite me in the ass but I'm going to go ahead and say it "I refuse to date Indian women!". Let's face it, they have some serious issues. I could go into it, but whats the point? The only Indian woman I'll ever date has to be a 10 on the HCHHSSTT scale and really freaky in bed. Otherwise, it's just not worth it

Ok that was more than two - three but you get my drift.

Well two more day's till the weekend. Let's hope this one is more interesting and less stupid than the last one. Did this turn out to be goddamn diary entry? I think I may have to re evaluate my blog from the next post on!

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

I R BORING

I've realised that I am a very shallow person. Ok that is not true. I've always known I'm a very shallow person. Let's face it I ain't pretty but the fact that I refuse to settle for some ugly chick, well that makes me shallow! Honestly, I'm fine with that!

The scary part is, I'm also aware of how "little" I have to offer. In other words how boring I can be.

I have all these friends, and they all have so much to talk about: Music, Art, Fashion, Current Events, etc. I obviously don't know jack squat about any of these things. Sure, I could start reading a News Paper and catch up on Current events, but what's the fun in that!

I have a colleague who we call BWSP and he knows all about bikes, books, music, art, etc, I have another colleague who is an encyclopedia on food, wine and other spirits.

I have a Mom who reads the news paper every day, loves Jazz Music, knows how to paint and various artists. I could go on, but why bother! I have a brother who loves Music, Politics, Current Events, etc. Hell, he can even go to a strip club and get a stripper to converse with him for hours on end on subjects that are most inane!

It's shameful how little I have to offer, I mean apart from video games, sex and sports, I draw a blank on all other topics. By the way if you aren't feeling sorry for me yet, you should be! I sure am!

I think the day it dawned on me how "boring" I am is when I realised that I tend to find most women I speak to really dumb. Now ofcourse there are two possibilities:

1) The women I speak to are actually very dumb!

2) I am just too boring to interest them.

I believed in the first reason for a long time, problem is it's not possible that I'm constantly meeting only dumb women. I mean isn't there a law of averages at work somewhere?

So, now I'm starting to think maybe I'm the boring one.

You know on second thought, screw that! I blame it on the dumb women I've been meeting. After all how can anybody that loves cartoons, comics, sex, sports and rides a bike be boring??

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Sex... what is it good for???

The other day, I was talking to a colleague and no it wasn't BWSP (Batman Wannabe Scared of Pigeons!). It was another colleague, and yes it is amazing how many of my colleagues like discussing sex.

Anyway there we were taking a "smoke" break. Mind you I don't smoke, I just enjoy the break and the incessant chatter that always goes with it. Sigh, there I go digressing again. Ok back to the topic at hand. So we were taking a smoke break and we were discussing some of our friends and how long it's been since any of them got laid with an HCHHSSTT and how frustrated they all were. Through the discussion we realised that really we need to come up with the concept of "Pity" sex.

Now I call it "Pity" sex, well because... it's Pity sex!

Pity sex basically entitles those people that have either never gotten laid, or haven't gotten any action for a long period of time (say 2 years) to basically approach any one of the opposite sex and say "Lets go do the horizontal bop-sho-bop!". The person who has been approached cannot refuse unless they have a really good reason. Oh! the old standby of "I have an headache!" or "Sorry, My boyfriend is jealous" just doesn't cut it here. Sometimes, you have to take one for the greater good!

Now I know, you think this is just not done! People shouldn't just be allowed to get Pity sex, after all there are hookers / gigolos out there for everybody!

Well let's just face it, paid sex doesn't really do much for self esteem.

The fact of the matter is, if Pity sex was available to people, the world would be a much better place.

Imagine if Hitler got some Pity sex from some Jewish chick, you really think he would've tried to kill all the Jews?

Sheesh! Osama wouldn't have claimed Jihad if he just got some Pity sex! I mean really the 100 virgins when you go to heaven? Most Jihadians (Yes, they are a different kind of people in my mind!) would take Pity sex over the possibility of 100 virgins in heaven! (They are stupid and naive, but not that naive).

The 10 year war between the Greeks and Trojans was over sex. One guy was getting it, the other was denied.

My point is war would be near obsolete with Pity sex around. After all, how many times have you picked a fight with some Guido in the bar just to get laid?

Sigh, imagine a world without war. Pity sex, fixes all your problems and ours!