What did you do?

I've been wanting to post for a while now, but haven't been sure what I should post.

I know some people may have been expecting a "tribute post" to Michael Jackson. The reason I haven't done that is because everybody seem's to be doing it. Don't get me wrong, I always thought Michael's music was really good.

How do you know when a person is a great entertainer / musician? Well there are two fool proof ways to tell: 

1) When people start fainting at his / her concerts. Has this even happened since Michael? I don't really see people fainting when Beyonce, Fergie, Usher or Timberlake perform.

If Michael Jordan was the "His Airness". What does that make Michael Jackson? His "Moonness" or maybe "The Moonwalker". I can't think of anything creative here, but we definitely need an apt title. 

2) When you can take an album and listen to every track on it and say "Wow, Let's play the whole thing again!". I don't think I've ever done that, except with his albums. More often than not, I always skip to my favourite tracks leaving out the stuff in between that I don't like. Interestingly enough, will we ever see another Michael Jackson? Weirdness and all? I doubt it, but you can never say never. 

Having said that, I always felt sorry for him and his fall from grace. Here was a guy that literally had the world in the palm of his hand and Wham! It wasn't there any more. Did I believe the child molestation charges? Nope, not really. We all know that people will say and do some really nasty things for a little bit of cash (You know who you are! And you're going to hell!).

I like to believe that he really just wanted to be a kid again and hanging out with other kids in his mind was the perfect solution. Was it a smart thing to do? Of course not. Did somebody try and stop him? I doubt it. He did it though, and he was chased out of his country for it. Amazingly enough, the same people that condemned him are singing his praises today. Talk about hypocritical.  

What is really sad is that people have completely forgotten another icon that passed away; Farrah Fawcett. She may not have been as popular as Michael was worldwide, but lets not forget she was the original Charlie's Angel. Before Baywatch, there was Farrah, and lets face it Michael never looked as good especially not on a pin up poster. 

By the way, when you loose two cultural icons on the same day and they were a distinct part of your childhood, it makes you realise, just how old you are.

In other news, my little sister got into St. Stephens, it's supposed to be the best school for the course she wants to do. This is good and bad:

The Good:

It gets her out of Calcutta. For all it's charm, I've found people that stay in Calcutta seem to be stuck in some kinda time warp. They don't seem to have moved past the 70s? or 80s? I'm not sure which decade, but still. I do know I'm too scared to go there and find out. Also, I've always believed (and have told her this with a lot of love and understanding) she is spoilt and overly protected. This should hopefully change (for the better) by leaving Calcutta. I say hopefully, because as always, we have the bad.  

The Bad:

She's going to Delhi. This is the part where I would scream, rant and rave. Delhi - The land where women go to become brainless airheaded bimbos. Don't get me wrong. I love Brainless Airheaded Bimbos! They are awesome. I just don't want my little sister becoming one! Y'arrgghh Delhi. (Please excuse me while I go break something and find a release for my perfectly rational emotional outrage). 

Then again, it is St. Stephens and it is supposed to be the best school for the course she's going to be doing. She's also really happy about it. (I have to keep saying this to myself to stop from continuously going into a violent outrage)

Did I mention it's in Delhi?

and finally,

The Kitchen Sink:

I can no longer say with pride and joy "Puke free since '03". For all you young' uns out there, stay away from Absynthe. There is no green fairy. Just the devil waiting to get you and take away the simplest of joys away from you like being able to say "Puke free since '03!". Let's face it "Puke free since '09" just doesn't sound as good. I have to admit, I spent more time mourning this than is I should have, but I am still pretty depressed about it. Nothing good comes of drinking Absynthe. 

It may have partially been my fault, since I "shotted" a glass of Absynthe, followed it up with three quick Rum n Cokes, and then one more glass of Absynthe and three more Rum n Cokes. I also know, I will be getting a call from my mother after she reads this saying "You are drinking too much! Are you sure you are not an alcoholic? Are you depressed?".

I should be happy I didn't try drunk dialling anybody. Definitely a saving grace. 

So, what did you do the weekend two icons passed away? 

 

 

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Unhappy puppy being harassed by three women.

So, that would be a picture of Sasha. I have no clue who the three women are. I think they were the three witches of ISM (Indian School Muscat) or some such thing.

While I generally don't post pictures, videos or music, I couldn't resist uploading this (Also, I have to admit Posterous.com makes it very easy to do - Shameless Posterous plug) since Sasha has been the only dog I've ever had. I think this picture pretty much explains why I felt such a deep connection with her.

Aside from the fact that we are both lazy, intelligent, and good looking. We both didn't like being handled by the witches of ISM. Now, I'm pretty sure some of them are friends of my brothers, but if you can't make fun of them than who can you?

By the way, I have three very vivid memories of Sasha:

3) The day she died - Yep, I was there and it wasn't pleasant and I'll never forgive a certain somebody for the way she died. She died of an heart attack and it really wasn't pretty. I'm sorry this is so morbid, but It's something that sticks with you for a long time if not forever. I'll even admit to tearing up at times when thinking about it.

2) The day she ran away - This was when I was pretty young, around 7 and my mother and brother tricked me into taking Sasha for morning walks. They said it was temporary, and then gave me a speech about responsibility, etc. When I complained about having to take her for walks in the morning (this was because neither of them could wake up early enough to take her out, so I was volunteered - Pure Evil!). So anyway, there I was walking her and she runs away into the elevator and the door closes before I can get to it. I of course freak out and wonder where she went. Apparently, she was done and couldn't wait to get back into the house.

1) The day she entered my life - I'm back from school (I was about 5 or 6) and I see my mom holding this puppy, completely jet black and furry. I'm all excited, and we run into the house and Wham! She enters the house, makes a bee-line for the rug right in the middle of the living room and decides to take a pee. Even I couldn't have done a better job! Right then I knew she was a special person and would fit right in.

I'm not sure how to end this post, so I'm not going to try anything special. I'm just going to say that I don't know if all dogs go to heaven, but if they didn't let Sasha in... Well, then they have absolutely no taste up there.

Oh isn't it funny that the only memories I have of being seven are of her and of calling my brother "a bastard". Good times.

Posted via email from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

zaevdutt.com

So first of, before we go any further I have some good news for all my ardent readers. I have finally "invested" (FREE!!) in a domain name and have decided to move my blog to Posterous.com temporarily. I actually envision building a complete website over time and will start sometime next month.

That is neither here nor there. What is here, is that now instead of typing zaevdutt.blogspot.com in your browser, you can type zaevdutt.com. See, I just saved you guys the time it takes to type out eight alphabets and if you are anything as slow as BWSP, well then I know I did you a big favour.

So moving ahead, I was asked a very interesting question by someone earlier this evening. Let's name her FPLFWA (Female Partner in a Law Firm With Ass), I have to take this moment to admit that even I find the name a little long winded and am not completely convinced she has an Ass worthy of the name, but I just couldn't think of anything more appropriate that was shorter.

Anyway, FPLFWA asked me earlier this evening "What keeps you going in life?"

Well, I have to be honest I couldn't answer her. Now before you panic, I'm not suicidal, it's just that there are a lot of things in life that keep me going. I also have to take this time to note that I hate posts that are preachy, long winded and use the world "clichéd" and this one may turn out a little preachy and clichéd. That's my disclaimer right there.

So, if I had to narrow it down to a list of 8 things that keep me going, they'd have to be as follows (Countdown time - I'm loving this!):

8) My bike - Lame? Stupid? Clichéd? Predictable? Unimaginatory? Yep, all that and a bag of chips baby!

7) The New York Knicks - I want to live to see them win a championship in my life time. Unfortunately, at the rate I'm going what with the abundance of cholestrol and lack of exercise in my life, there is a high likelihood that this won't happen. However in the words of Tupac "We gotta make a change!"

6) Owning a beach house / a Villa on some desolate "green" island with a fair amount of rain and writing a book in said beach house / Villa - While, this isn't something I've been thinking about since I was 8 years old, it is something I would like to try and get done. Two things that helped inspire me:

a) Watching "Love Actually" where Colin Firth writes a book in his Villa by the lake and at the same time manages to hook up with a really attractive Portuguese Housekeeper. Yes, I liked the movie and I'm Manly Man enough to admit to it.

b) Going to a villa in Lonavala this past weekend, surrounded by tree's, pouring rain, fog rolling by on top of rooftops, lightning and thunder (which actually made me scream like anything but a Manly Man) all this added up to a very profound moment where I realised I wanted to write a book. Now to get over my fear of Dacoits.

5) Hooking up with a Latina HCHHSSTT, a red-headed HCHHSSTT and a blonde HCHHSSTT (preferably all at the same time) - Now, while I may not have the sexual competence to actually do all of the above three at the same time. I'm pretty sure I could handle them individually.

Again, I know how clichéd all this sounds but have you ever been with an HCHHSSTT, while she screamed out "OH! PAPI!" with a very sultry Latina accent. I know, I'm completely objectifying women right now, while doing a phenomenal job stereotyping the Latino people. I only hope Jesus (pronounced: Hesus) will find it in his heart to forgive me for this. What can I say, this is what I live for.

4) World War III - Now, while this may be the death of me. I think I deserve to be alive to see it start and then point a finger at everybody responsible, all the while saying "I told you so" while never really doing anything to help prevent it. I also figure, it may be the only opportunity I will ever get to fly a plane without a license and channel my inner Biggles!

3) Watch MWA (Mangie Wants Ass) and my brother getting married - At their respective weddings, I plan on making out with as many bridesmaids possible, while relishing the fact that I am single and for once in my life going to get more action than them.

It's never great for your ego when your best friend is MWA and you have an older brother like mine who managed to do everything before me and better than me.

2) Mom and Didi - Yep, parental pride. Be all that you can be. Etc, etc. Well truth be told, a lot of what I do is because of them. They keep me going. After all, my Mom forced me to keep writing, my Didi kept feeding me (explains a lot right?), together they are "Team Supreme". I figure the least I can do to pay them back is:

a) Outlive them - I know nobody likes burrying their parents, but I also know my Mom and Didi would hate to bury me first. This post is turning out to be cliched and morose.

b) Give them Grand Kids - While this competely goes against point #3, I still have to put it down here. They deserve grand kids they can spoil, even if that means I won't have crazy animal sex at MWA's and my brothers weddings.

and finally...

1) I refuse to end my life as a failure - Nuff said.

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Honestly?

I wonder if we'll ever get to a day where we can just say what we want and be honest about who we are? Seriously, don't any of you ever get tired of always portraying an image which isn't entirely you?

Sure, we all have a little bit of crazy in us and sometimes exposing people to that craziness all at once can be a little much. Ideally the craziness needs to be doled out little by little, I get that.

However, that doesn't happen and instead we create an image completely different from who we are and it becomes such an effort to keep it going. Eventually, we just isolate ourselves from people because let's face it the image is too much effort and its easier to just not meet people. This is a shame, because I'm sure that if most of us were just ourselves, we would be a lot happier.

I've decided to shatter whatever image people may have of me by writing down ten truth's about me. I just hope, somewhere it makes all of you my avid readers realise that while people can't handle the truth, it would probably make you happier.

Note: This is going to be a countdown by the way, and the order is organised by importance (from lower importance to higher importance):

10) I'm a selfish person - Sure, I care very much about my friends and my family. However, I am selfish and always end up doing what I feel is best for me. Unfortunately, in the end it doesn't always turn out to be best for me. For the record my most selfish act was leaving New York to come to Bombay to "finally do something I wanted to do". Man, did the man above really get me on that one. He's got a wicked sense of irony.

9) Hopeless Romantic - Nuff said.

8) I cannot have sex without foreplay - Yep, I can't do a Wham! Bam! Thank You Ma'am! I'm the kind of guy that needs to have a build up. Like any good high rise, if the foundation isn't strong, it just will not rise. If this is too much information for you, you may want to stop reading.

7) I'm addicted to porn - Yeah, hate to say this but I think I'm addicted to porn. However, in my defense I'd say that at least 50% of the world's population is addicted to porn. Also, imagine all the knowledge I have stored! (Sigh, OK this one is bad and I know it)

6) I have no idea what I want to do for a living - This is not so much a secret, but still it needed to be written. Sure, I'd love to play in the NBA but I don't think they are looking for a guy with limited vision, average to bad ball handling skills, shot challenged, vertically and athletically inferior. Stand up comedian would be good as well, except I don't think my ego could take the constant booing.

5) I'm a "Mamma's / Didi's" Boy - Yep, I am. If I ever meet a girl that my Mom or Didi don't approve off. I'm not sure what I'd do. Also, I would want to end up living next to them in the future. Of course this is because I can then go over and grab dinner and supplies for my own house whenever I need. Also, if I ever have kid's I'll have two awesome baby sitters and it'll be free. Think of the savings! (I've already admitted to being cheap in a previous post!).

4) Completely inept at dating - I'm never sure if a girl likes me, can never tell. Don't know how to tell them either. A lot of time's I end up like Godzilla just breaking down building after building and hoping to hell that it pays off. Have I ever mentioned the times when I was pining after a girl who was engaged or that time I kept messaging this girl thinking she may like me, only to realise that I was being delusional. I'm so awkward with women now, that I'm never sure when a hug is a just a hug and when a kiss is just a kiss and not more.

3) Fear of Divorce - So, my family is rampant with divorce. My mother and my father's side. In fact I could probably write a book about it and it would be a best seller. The fact is though, that isn't good for a kid.

I know a couple of girls that are reasonably close to me and well their parents got divorced and now they just abhor the thought of marriage cause they believe it will happen to them. The sad part is both of them are great girls, that any guy would be crazy to run out on.

Well I'd like to tell them what I tell myself - "I am not my mother or my father. I may have their genes, but I am not them - and I will learn from their mistakes and mine"

Besides, I'm definitely using this fear to make sure I don't end up settling for the first girl that dates me for more than 1 month. Hopefully, this results in me getting married to an HCHHSSTT! (I'm trying to think positively. Work with me now!)

2) I suffer from an inferiority complex - Wow. This one is hard to discuss. Oh well, so I do suffer from a weight problem. Don't get me wrong, I love being large. Nobody ever messes with the big white guy with a scowl on his face (except for the big black guy with a scowl on his face - this may sound racist, but unfortunately it's true). But let's be honest in this world today, women seem to love the six pack over the keg. Oh well! That may play a small part in it. The rest would have to be with the fact that I constantly seem to fail to get to where I want to be in life.

A large reason I portray myself as arrogant, unapproachable and uncaring is because I don't want people to see a chink in the armor. It also doesn't help that I've had two of my girlfriends cheat on me. On the flip side, I've also hooked up with women that have had boyfriends of their own. I'm not proud of it! But hey, I need something to make me feel better right now. This ain't easy!

I guess my attempt at humor is another self defense mechanism - Like Chandler (Yes, I just used a Friends reference. Sue me!) I use humor as a defense mechanism, especially when nervous. Trust me, the first time I had sex is the biggest example of my inferiority complex and my goddamn defense mechanism kicking in.

and Finally...

1) I don't want to be alone - This is the biggest one. I don't want to live and die alone. That would be the worst thing ever.

I gave you the truth, can you handle it?

Seven Years Later

A lot can happen in seven years. I decided to take a minute to reflect on everything that's happened to me in the last seven years.

One of the things I did was go from living in the Greatest City in the World to a city which may not be the best but is still in the top ten. Seven years ago, I was 19 years old and a freshman in college. In my mind, the world was my oyster. There I was poised to do what I had always dreamt off. Sure, things didn't go exactly as planned but that was fine.

I had all my plans ready, starting with a degree in Finance and Investments, followed by Law School and an MBA. Along the way, I'd meet the perfect girl, move in with her and make enough money to take care of my Mom, Didi and my brother (and give him shit for it!). Like I said, I was 19! I may not have been the legal age for drinking, but at least I could go to a strip club.

Fast forward today, seven years later and all I have is my degree in Finance and Investments which I have never put to use. Never went to law school, forget about finding the perfect girl and take care of my Mom, Didi and brother? Hah! I can barely look after myself. Did I mention I'm no longer 19?

Now why did I just give you a brief history lesson on my life?

Well, imagine seven years ago you are a 23 year old, you've just accomplished the rare feat of completing back to back to back championships. You're already being touted as the second most dominant player in the NBA. The most dominant player was on the same team as you. Life is good, you have a wife who is drop dead gorgeous and nothing can stop you from becoming the best basketball player in the world in a few years. Well nothing except you.

Now fast forward five years, you haven't won another championship. You committed adultery, you were accused and acquitted of sexually harassing a hotel employee. People hold you responsible for breaking up a team that could have been the most dominant team of the decade and just as easily have gone down in history as one of the best teams ever! Ranking among the greatness of Jordan's Bulls and Russell's Celtics. You became the best player ever in the NBA but it didn't matter you were stuck on a team that missed the playoffs and when you did make the playoffs you couldn't get past the first round. Life isn't looking good.

So you do what you know best, which is throw a tantrum and demand to be traded to another team. When your Boss obliges with a potential trade, you block it only because you realise the team you would join will end up being worse off. You have literally hit rock bottom. Forget about beating Michael Jordan's six championships. You just want to make the playoff finals!

Suddenly things change start changing in the next two years.

You are asked to be a part of the Team USA Basketball and take them from the dumps to Olympic Gold (and you do, you win gold), your team gets lucky and lands an All Star forward named Pau Gasol and another forward called (Trevor Ariza) who does a lot of the nitty gritty things you need to win a championship.

It's been six years and you are now 29. You have a team capable of winning the NBA Championship, you are finally emerging as the leader everybody hoped you would be, the coach who helped you win your first three championships and called you "Uncoachable" is back and now calling you the next best thing since MJ.

You finally reach the NBA Finals, except you lose to a team with more talent and hunger. You walk off the court with your shoulders slumped, another year and no championship. The next time you promise things will be different.

You and your team mates spend the Off season and next year busting your butt, you refuse to lose. You play hard 24/7 which is something nobody can ever take away from you and will become part of your legacy. You went months without breaking a smile and everybody kept saying it you were really focussed. People kept asking if you were bothered by the fact that you couldn't win another championship without a certain game changing center called Shaq. You scowl and say that is not what you focus on. Though you know it's a lie.

You get a few lucky breaks along the way like your rivals losing key players to injuries, a couple of foul calls and some clutch shooting from your teammates. Along the way, you also realise that it's not about you. There is more at stake than just your fourth championship. You realise, that every individual in your team has something at stake. So, you decide to share.

Guess what? It's been Seven years. Your coach Phil Jackson won his record breaking 10th Championship, your teammates were all vindicated. Lamar Odom proving he can keep his head in the game while the game is on the line, Pau Gasol proving he is one of the most skilled and toughest forwards in the league after being labelled soft, Derek Fisher whose daughter is suffering from a rare eye cancer came back and won again, Trevor Ariza goes from being a journey man player to a player who is a starting forward about to get a very big contract.

What about you? You just won your fourth championship, won your first NBA Finals MVP and you are now going down in history as a top three player. Congratulations to you.

Oh wait? You aren't Kobe Bryant. My bad.

Who wins??

I've been trying to follow the NBA playoffs as much as possible over the last month or so. Back in NYC (New York City - Duh! What did you expect??), I would follow it on TNT or ABC. The NBA, its FANtastic!

However, in India life isn't so easy. Aside from the fact that there is a massive time difference. Have you tried going to sleep at 4 am, waking up at 7 am, watching the game till 9:30 am and then heading to work for a 12 hour day? Let me tell you, it is not pretty. Let's just say my head has a bunch of bruises and my table has more than a few chipped corners.

Then you always have the possibility that the cable operator may switch channels on you and pull out ESPN and replace it with another shitty channel. Trust me, this has happened on more than one occasion. Have you ever woken up at 7 am after a late night and found out you woke up for absolutely no reason? I wanted to call my cable operator and leave him with death threats.

By the way only in India do you have a system where you can't choose your channels and your local cable operator totally screws you over by playing whatever they want, whenever they want. We're almost a developed country, yet we suffer from bad cable (Internet + TV) service. It's a sham!

However, through it all, I've persevered and I've been rewarded with a fairly competitive NBA Finals.

First of all let me make it very clear, I am a New York Knicks fan through and through (when they aren't losing and when Isiah Thomas isn't in charge!). Second, I've been a Kobe Bryant supporter since 1997 when he won the Slam Dunk Contest. You also have to realise, before this the only players I'd ever heard off were Jordan and Pippen. Oman (Tiny little oil rich country in the Middle East - my brother called it the Devil's armpit.) was probably worse than India when it came to following the NBA especially in the days before the net came into play.

So here we are, in the playoffs and it's Lakers Vs Magic. Interestingly both these two teams have had their fates intertwined. Sure, its been rehashed over and over but still I'll rehash it once again for your reading pleasure.

The Magic were the team to draft Shaq and then they made the NBA Finals in 1995 only to lose to the Rockets, the next year they made NBA Conference Finals where Jordan sent them fishing. After that they lost Shaq to the Laker's in the offseason and got nothing in return. This was followed up by years of losing for the Magic and 3 Championships for the Lakers.

It's almost like guy meets HCHHSSTT, HCHHSSTT takes guy to the top and then dumps him for another guy. Now the new guy is the "Man" and the first guy is homeless. That is until he meets a new HCHHSSTT with potential to be better than the first girl and now he's the "Man". This by the way happened to the Magic when they drafted Dwight Howard.

So now, you have two teams; the Laker's going up against the Magic. Kobe want's his fourth and most important ring. If he win's this, he can finally say he did it without "Shaq" and he goes down in history as the third greatest guard ever. First two being Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson. (This is of course until Lebron signs with the Knicks and win's them 8 - 10 Championship rings, don't think it's going to happen? Oh! It's going to happen!).

So back to the Finals, Laker's take game 1 with a come from behind victory. Kobe channels his nickname and becomes the Black Mamba completely killing the Magic defense. The Magic appear just happy to be in the Finals. Don't forget Kobe hasn't smiled in weeks. He's not starting now! He wants his fourth ring.

On a side note: If you ever get time, go to YouTube and check out the funny Nike MVP - Most Valuable Puppets commercials. There is a reason they sell as many shoes as they do. It's a shame they didn't make one with Dwight Howard and Kobe. Here's a link: http://tinyurl.com/1w83b7

Game 2 is a Laker's win again, barely. Pau Gasol helps bail Kobe out after he misses a clutch shot and blows a defensive cover. Still they win. Did I mention Kobe wants his fourth ring? He hasn't smiled in weeks!

Game 3 is a Magic win. This had to happen since they had home court advantage. Having said that Kobe fails in the clutch again. Amazingly enough he had 21 points in the first half on 8 - 11 shooting. If you don't know what that is, let me tell you it's great. Of course, he then goes and completely ruins it in the second half and fails in the clutch. He has the ball stolen from him, he misses a bunch of shots, fails to pass the ball to the open man and is full of fail. As Anne Robinson would say "You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye." I want to bring up the fact that he hasn't smiled in weeks? Man, he really wants that fourth ring!

Game 4 is a Laker's win. This is because Derek Fisher an old Laker holdover from their first three championship days hits the game tying 3 pointer with 4 secs left and then scores another go ahead 3 pointer in overtime to win. Kobe by the way scores 32 points, only problem is it took him 31 shots to get there.

Now, my problem isn't that the Lakers will win. Nope, I'm happy they'll win. I want Kobe to win his fourth championship ring and I want him to smile. Let's face it a sad Kobe isn't good for the NBA or for his endorsements.

My problem is the fact, that he probably will win the NBA Finals MVP, and I hate to say it but I don't think he's deserving. Sure, at a glance his stats look great. The fact however remains that the real reason the Magic are still in the hunt is because each game has been very close and Kobe (who is generally considered to be the best closer in the NBA right now) just hasn't been able to close them out. Now, I'm the first guy to tell you the biggest difference between Jordan and Kobe is that Jordan learnt to trust his teammates. Something Kobe still seems hesitant to do and considering the teammates he has, it's a shame.

Right now, I'd say Kobe is like your average guy trying to score with a really hot HCHHSSTT. He starts off really well, say's the right things and generally doing the right thing. Then the minute things get the slightest bit shaky, he goes off into "I'm Da Man" mode and totally ruins it for himself. If he just learnt to trust his wing man and allow the game to come to him, instead of forcing it. He would be unstoppable.

So, here you have it. The Lakers will win in 5. Kobe will be named NBA Finals MVP. Will he deserve it? Probably more so for the other years that he didn't get it. Will he learn to share the ball? I hope so, because if he doesn't he isn't winning another one again.

To Do or Not To DooDoo

So, most of you will be quick to judge this post as a lousy attempt of humor. But it's not. You see what I'm about to discuss is off immense importance to me.

That's right we're about to discuss what we're allowed to do in a bathroom. Sure, this subject has been hashed and rehashed over and over and you are probably asking what's left to discuss? Well, just recently I had a conversation with a few people and all of them seemed to have the most skewed perspective on this topic.

First of all let's start with the simplest one. Taking a piss.

Now, this is easy because the basics are easy:

1) When you feel the need to urinate in someones house make sure you don't miss.

2) When in a public restroom you need to try and leave one urinal space between each person. The people that fail to follow through with this one need to be hit with a baseball bat.

3) Finally, always without fail make sure you wash your hands. If you fail to do this, you are going to hell. If you really think God let's people who don't wash their hands after taking a pee into Heaven, you are kidding yourself!

Now, we come to the the center of my weekend conversation which is taking a dump and what you are allowed to do when you are busy dropping the kids off at the pool.

The way I see it, I think most people have very negative images and attitudes with regard to taking a deuce. In my opinion, I think dropping it like it's hot is one of the most natural and relieving things to do.

I spend a minimum of 5 minutes everyday on the pot and the way I see it, I need ways to entertain myself when on there. It could be a comic: nothing beats reading about the Justice League saving the world when you let it all out. Sometimes, its a Magazine: Maxim has great tips on how to make a Porch for the house I may one day own. Then you always have Novels: I still remember the morning I read that Harry Potter lives was exceptionally relieving. I think it may also have had something to do with the food I had the night before. Definitely something about spicy Indian food that turns your bowel inside out.

However, I digress. Nowadays I don't really have anything to read when on the pot so I've taken to bringing my phone into the loo. Sure, all you people are probably groaning away at the thought of it. You know what? I bet all of you have your own "dirty" secrets as well. I just happen to have the guts to write it down for posterity in a public forum.

Let's face it, the 5 - 10 minutes I spend on my throne everyday is really great for taking care of work. I send off emails, I check Facebook updates, I would also be checking my Twitter updates except the app on my phone isn't working. I even check up on sick friends like Wishy Washy (Who doesn't even appreciate my concern!). I play games and in the last week have doubled my High Score in Brick Breaker! I get too check my brothers location every morning on Google Maps, which is my way of making sure he's alive. Finally, just this morning I carried out a conversation with my sister about her love life on MSN while doing the deed.

You know what? I love taking my phone with me when I go potty! I'm not ashamed to admit it. I also feel, people need to get off their high horses and admit that it's great idea.

And by the way, I've never understood the whole "Oh you took the book / phone to the bathroom! Disgusting!". Hey guess what? All the while I'm handling items on my commode, my hands are clean! And last I checked, taking a shit doesn't release airborne germs into the air that magically attach themselves to the surface of books or cellphones.

So, I repeat do yourself a favor, get off your high horses and start enjoying the time spent while attaining nirvana.

Cast thy Judgement!

Isn't it funny how we all have preconceived notion's of what people are like? I'll be honest, I'm all about judging the people I see in front of me. It definitely has a fun factor to it.

I mean come on, you enter a bar and you see the skinny chicks that are either anorexic or too young to be in a bar. Let's not forget the big muscle bound dude's who probably nothing but air in between their ears and nothing else. Then there is always, the skinny dude with the spiked hair who has no clue. Or how about the dude in the really loud t-shirt who either has an over bearing mother or an over bearing girlfriend who is an imitation of his mother (guess who bought the shirt?) and finally the HCHHSSTT standing in the corner who is really just a frigid bitch.

I get it, I make judgements all the time, so does everybody around me.

In fact, I was out earlier tonight with FLBN (Female Lawyer with a Big Nose) and a couple of her colleagues. Interestingly enough, one of her colleagues labelled me as a guy that was into women that were basically helpless and constantly needed reassuring, along with a host of other issues they may have. She also claimed I couldn't drink to save my life and basically I was a first rate loser. OK, honestly she didn't call me a loser but I know she was thinking it.

I obviously object to all these points. First of all I am not a loser! I just choose to under perform. Secondly, I refuse to be told by a girl that gets buzzed on two Long Island Ice Tea's that I can't drink, especially when I was four Rum N Coke's down along with a beer in the span of an hour and sober as a whistle (Something that I'm ashamedly proud off).

Finally, I will admit I do like women that are a little needy, that do require a little reassuring and that once in a while just want to be held. Yes, I'm a sucker for this stuff.

Why you ask do I want a woman with the above character traits (or character flaws depending on how you look at it)? Well it's simple, I like to know that the girl I date needs me. I refuse to date a woman that thinks they can do everything all on their own.

Why? Because nobody can do everything on their own. These women actually end up being more trouble than they are worth.

People fail to realise, I was brought up by a single MOM and guess what even she had help. The help came in the form of my Didi. Oh, and let me tell you they don't make them as intelligent, mature, strong willed and as independent as my MOM (or Didi for that matter). Let's put it in perspective: My MOM was a single mother of two children during the eighties while living in India. Halleluja!

However, the fact remains that everybody needs help. What truly makes an individual special is when they are willing to admit that they can't do everything on their own, instead reaching out and accepting the helping hand being offered.

Whether in love, sports, war or business, it is what separates the winners from the losers. You don't believe me, just ask Kobe.

So, do everybody a favour stop being quick to judge. Oh and I know how cliched this is, but believe it or not, this isn't a public service message.

Fact is, you'd be amazed at what you are missing out on just because you choose to be quick to pull the trigger and judge someone. Take it from me, I know first hand.

Eulogy of Sorts

Isn't it funny how life always throws you a curve ball? Especially when you least expect it.

There you are chugging along amicably, and Wham! you aren't chugging along anymore. Sometimes it's the smallest things that can derail your "Oh So Perfect Life" and sometimes, it takes a lot more.

Today, I found out an avid reader of my blog "Whitey" was hit with a pretty mean curve ball. Now Whitey and I aren't best friends, but I'd like to think of us as kindred spirits of sorts. After all how many other people do you know admit to eating Bacon Sandwiches, while watching episodes of South Park? Did I mention he's an avid reader?

Whitey was a good man (or so he liked to believe), he organized many events to help build camaraderie, he had an HCHHSSTT for a girlfriend and as far as nerds go, he was as nerdy as they come without being a complete loser. Did I mention he's an avid reader?

So, I raise my bottle of beer and to you Whitey I toast:

"Things happen for a reason, when things look bleakest remember that it can and probably will get worse. When it does get worse, just remember you have an HCHHSSTT for a girlfriend. If things get really bleak and you lose the HCHHSSTT, just remember there are some very high bridges in different cities the world over and nobody will hold a grudge against you if you decide to jump off one.

However, once you finally see the small ray of light in these moments of darkness, when you finally learn to accept that you probably have absolutely no control over your life and wake up to the realisation that God is more than likely a mean kid out to mess with your head. When and only when you embrace this, I'm sure it will help add a little color to the monochrome palate in front of you, that you call life.

After all, you just spent a year and half in India and didn't get food poisoning even once. It doesn't get better than that.

This one is for Whitey!".

Did I mention, he's an avid reader?