The Game

I think Triple H's ring entrance music says it best:

"It's all about the game, and how you play it!
All about control, and if you can take it.
All about your debt, and if you can pay it.
It's all about pain, and who's gonna make it."

I mean sure we can get philosophical and discuss the game that is life (You lose, even when you win, you lose), you can be practical and even discuss the game that is your career (Welcome to 40 hours a week, 50 weeks a year for the next 40 years), or you can always discuss the farce that is the game of politics (Do you vote for the guy who got you in trouble, or the guy who has no clue how to get you out of trouble?).

Let's be honest, nothing is more important than the game played between Man and Woman.

Sure, it's cliched but the fact is, we've been playing this game a long time. It starts from childhood, all the way through adolescence (The first crush that you could never get!) into marriage (That's right, when she said she'd do that thing you always wanted her to do once you got married; she lied!) and finally retirement (Yup, Death ain't looking too bad right now is it?).

It's a never ending battle! As for the winner, well used to be that it was a stalemate.

That is until recently, in this day and age of technology women have an insurmountable edge. What with enhanced breasts, butts, lips, cheeks, etc. the competition just got taken up another notch.

It's gotten so bad that men are jumping on their bandwagon and getting sex changes to join the "winning" team.

Either way, you have to ask yourself "Why in gods (good) name are you even playing the game?"

I currently have one friend who is knee deep in the game. Funnily enough I believe she could win it without plastic surgery, but at the rate she's going (what with all the forced errors and hitting the panic button too early) we may just go into overtime and to win she may just require some last minute plastic surgery!

Then we have my colleague BWSP, he'd like to believe he is above the game. I'd go as far as to say he chooses not to acknowledge the existence of the game.
In the process, his game is a very passive one, which ends up with him portraying the image of a so called "Wise Sage" (He's scared of Pigeons! How wise can be?), resulting in the HCHHSSTT's finding themselves caught in the trap of the Sage. Amazingly enough this actually works for him, however I see very few people capable of pulling it off.

Then you have my old roommate. we shall refer to him as "Coffee". Now here is a man that plays the game. He plays the game religiously. He goes by the book, following all the rules, however it doesn't quite work out for him because he doesn't know how to make on the cuff decisions. When you play the game, you need to think on your feet. Going by the book is fine, but sometimes instinct wins out!

As for me, well I'd say I suck at the game, I panic. Yes! I'm a panicker. However, I'm a great Game Coach. Like they say, those who can't play; teach.

So why do we all play the game? I think it's basic dynamics, everybody wants to be on top. Doesn't matter if it's in life (You may die, but you do want to die rich), your career (everybody wants to retire as the boss) or politics (Black or White, might is right!).

So with that, I shall now dispense 5 basic rules you ought to follow to ensure you come out victorious:

1) In this day and age, people don't really call each other much and end up smsing. If you can avoid smsing, do it. You are better off making the call simply because you can tell a lot more from the tone of a voice than from an sms. However, before that it is in your best interest to get the girls number. (For women: Asking a guy for his number puts you on the defensive, but woohoo for the feminist movement right?)

2) If you initiate the first conversation, wait for the other person to initiate the second one. You do not want to be the one responsible for starting all the conversations. Nobody likes a needy person.

3) As a HCHHSSTT, it is in your interest to appear naive (but don't actually be naive). When a guy takes your number, he's interested in you. If he hasn't called you, its cause he dropped his two sidekicks along the way, and wants to pick them up before making a move.

All you have to do is play hard to get. Everybody wants what they can't have. Rule 101.

4) If you manage to get to a first date, as a guy you are allowed to compliment the girl a maximum of 3 times through the evening. Anything more and well it doesn't matter, there won't be a second date. Also, at the end of the first date, go for a kiss. It doesn't matter if there is a second date or not. You just paid for dinner, get something out of it man!

5) This is for both men and women; DO NOT PANIC! Those who are prone to panic attacks, end up shooting blanks... Literally!

So there you have it, five basic rules. Of course the game is played in multiple stages and just cause you win one stage, doesn't mean you'll win the entire thing. Eventually, somebody always gets hurt.

Just remember that it's a game and in the words of the wise MWA "If you stop having fun, you should stop playing".

My Wedding Plans

So I attended a wedding this past weekend. A friend of mine from High School got married and insisted we come for the two day affair, three days if you include the "Bachelor" party. I of course being the rebel that I am refused to attend all three days, and eventually showed up for the "Bachelor" party and the first day. Completely missing out on the actual wedding.

Note: Indian Bachelor parties don't involve strippers of any kind. All you get are a bunch of dudes drinking and in this case three girls all of whom had boyfriends sipping on drinks watching the men dance with each other. Yes, all in all a very sordid event (Rest assured, I was not one of the before stated men).

Anyway, so my boy MWA (Mangie Wants to get Ass) and I figured that since we had to attend, we should focus on the positives: most Indian weddings have at least a few HCHHSSTT's (except they wear traditional Indian Clothing which really doesn't reveal much).

Once we arrived, MWA and I were surveying the scene and it occurred to me that as far as "wedding parties" go, this one was pretty simple and uninteresting.

Don't get me wrong, the groom did a fantastic job paying for everything. However, I realised I could've done a much better job with a similar or smaller budget.

So, this got me thinking about my wedding and what it would be.

Now, I know most of the time women plan the wedding, however when I get married, its my way or the highway.

So here are my plans to the perfect wedding:

Venue: I see myself having a "Christian" wedding, I can't really fathom myself doing the Hindu thing and seeing as no Islamic women would marry me in their right mind. Christian weddings are the way to go.

So, I'll keep this part simple and say the vows will be exchanged in a church and the reception will probably be done in a club (I don't wanna say strip club... but I am leaning towards it).

Dress Code: For men, the dress code is simple: Formal Relaxed. What is Formal Relaxed? Well, above the waist would be black tie; shirts, suit jacket and really big ties (really big!). Below the waist would be boxers. That's right boxers! I would even allow boxer briefs, but no briefs (for the record MWA had no clue what the difference was!). I believe in comfort, and if I want to be comfortable on my wedding day, everybody else should also be comfortable.

For women, the dress code can be whatever makes them an HCHHSSTT (I like to keep it simple).

Food: The only kinds of food that will be served will be finger foods. You know pizzas, hamburgers, hot dogs, french fries, etc. I have no problem with serving Indian Finger foods as well. As long as it's not messy and people can eat it on the move.

Drinks: Cheap alcohol. Yes, I'm cheap. But, lots of it!

Guests: The way I see it, I'd invite all the guys and my wife would only be allowed to invite women. Preferably women that the guy friends I invite would be able to flirt with. Obviously, I realise this would reduce the numbers attending. However, in the long run: quality over quantity (Saving money greater than all!).

Additionally, nobody over 40 allowed, except for my immediate family and the brides immediate family.

Decor: The reception hall would have a theme which depend on the last, but no less important factor.

Date: Either on St. Patricks Day or Halloween. The way I see it, those are two days I already enjoy celebrating, so why not double the effect. Imagine a St. Patricks day wedding! We'd have people wearing top hats and women dressed in short green dresses or on Halloween, the women could come as naughty nurses, or sexy policewomen, but I digress. The side effect of having the wedding on one of these dates is that I wouldn't forget my wedding anniversary.

We can't have it on Christmas or New Years since I like to keep those two separate, and let's face it. New Year Weddings are very cliched.

So, those are just a few of the things I'd do to ensure the ultimate wedding.

Now, I have to find a woman who would actually allow this!

LIfe is a Highway!

Yes, I just ripped off a Tom Petty song, so sue me!

I just spent the last two hours trying to come up with something readable to write about. You see I actually had quite an interesting weekend, unfortunately it doesn't seem as interesting when I write about it! Does that make it not interesting?

Well I figure to make it simple, I'll let my ardent readers judge. I shall jot down the events and you my fellow fans can decide for yourself if you would wanna trade places with me:

1) Decided to get drunk on Friday and follow it up by hunting for Puff the Magic Dragon. In the end, got drunk and "smoked" Puff the Magic Dragon.

2) BWSP and I had the priviledge of watching some of our friends getting hounded by multiple characters who make Medusa look like Cindy Crawford. All the while had the additional pleasure of somebody playing "DJ" on my PC, and constantly switching tracks 30 sec's in. I swear this person is never getting laid. (Rule 101 - Those who switch before the tracks play out will pay the price by not getting laid. One year for every track!)

3) Got my bike back after a week at servicing and cosmetic surger. She had her Handle Bar changed. I would compare it to breast implants. Bigger is definitely Better! Allowing for more balance and much better handling!

4) I got to third base. This is always nice. Been a while too.

5) Decided on the spur of the moment to get a drink at an old haunt of ours on Saturday, only to discover it filled with people we knew. I even had the fortune of realising that women are indeed crazy and there is no accounting for taste. Also, Indian women are champions at settling for the first guy that buys them a ring. Well, a ring or a car.. either one.

6) Drove down to Lonavla at night. This is the first time I've driven 100+ Kilometers at night. Let me tell you, nothing quite like it. I've come to the conclusion that a) Indians don't realise their cars have two settings for the head lights and b) They are scared of the dark.

This would explain the fact that they constantly have their headlights on high! It's called a low beam! Learn it! Accept it! USE IT!

7) Got back at 6 AM from Lonavla, what should've been a three hour trip took only two hours. End result, BWSP has a concave ass and I lost possession of my family jewels. Also, for some reason people don't believe in being open at 6 AM and serving breakfast! What is this world coming too?

8) Watched the Chinese Grand Prix, was a little disappointing. Lamenting the fact that I'm missing the NBA playoffs for the third year running.

9) Reaffirmed the fact that I truly do not ever want to be stuck dating an Indian chick. This is an ongoing realisation.

10) Decided to take the bike out for a ride in the evening, was craving Kebabs so got me some of those. Also ended up taking a shower Au De Natural! Good times!

and finally

11) Spent 30 minutes talking to my sister where I was trying to convince her to get married to her boyfriend who is studying to be a lawyer. This way, I can go to her for handouts and also she ends up with a kid and names me the Godfather. She spent 30 minutes trying to convince me that she loved me. Don't think either of us got very far.

Well, that was my weekend in a nutshell. Between third base, Lonavla and Friday Night Drama. I'd like to think it was interesting. Amazingly enough, I still have a quart of Jack left.

Life is a Highway... I wanna ride it all night long.

Rules of Engagement

I like to believe that I lead my life by a set of rules. Sometimes, the rules work in my favor and sometimes they don't. However, the rules do lead to a certain balance in my life. Wasn't the whole point of Buddhism to lead a life of balance?

Well, I figured I would list down some rules that I believe in and try follow as diligently as possible.

So here you go, my rules for you:

1) You should never get drunk around women that want to sleep with you but whom you want to avoid like the plague. It never bodes well for you. The resulting "lack of self esteem" leads to a heightened chance of committing suicide. Additionally, they aren't forgiving nor do they understand the concept of "It's was a mistake!"

2) Remember that "Beer Goggles" come with a price, it is in your best interest to stay sober when in a compromising situation. Trust me, you do not want to be caught making out with an Irish man's not so HCHHSSTT girlfriend. They are a violent people. Well, unless you have a death wish!

3) Do not ever offer to drop any women home when they are drinking at your place or even a friends place. The resulting irritation is not worth it and will lead to you losing 10 years of your projected life span. I predict that some of the people I know will be deceased by the year 2030.

4) Do not date Indian women, the drama is not worth it, unless she is a 10 on the HCHHSSTT scale. How do you know if she's a 10 on the scale? Trust me, you just know! This is for the same reason as stated in the above point. The 10 on the HCHHSSTT scale is worth it because the resulting loss of 10 years of your life is a fair trade.

5) When people try to emotionally bribe you, do not pay attention to them. It only result's in you doing things you know that will get you in trouble. I could expand on this, but a description of the event at mind is just a little too embarrassing. Let's just say that sometimes "it's just not worth it!". The emotional turmoil leads to less stress, than the resulting task!

6) Do not under any circumstance go to the airport after 6 PM in the evening, no matter who it is that is visiting you. Also avoid going to the airport before 10 AM. Airports are not happy places! Contrary to popular opinion, you do not pick up women at airports.

7) Avoid dating HCHHSSTT's at work. If you need an explanation, you are already in trouble. Nuff said!

8) Regardless to what doctors and specialists of all kinds say. It is vital you spend at least 1 weekend a binge month drinking with friends. The resulting idiocracy ensures you stay young for years to come.

9) While this is cliched and repeated. It is very very important, make a point to eat the following meats as much as possible: Beef, Pork, Mutton (goat meat) and lamb! You live once, eat what you can! Gluttony may not be appreciated, but it's better than starving yourself on grass! And No! I am not referring to the kind you smoke up.

Well those are just a few of my important rules to follow. Sure, you can always add exercise, diet, not smoking, etc. But really what does that do for you?

These are my rules, they keep me balanced and I predict I'll live on till the ripe age of 35! Join the movement! Zaevism is here to stay!

Whats in a guilty pleasure?

All of us have a guilty pleasure of some sort.

I mean let's face it, some people might take bread sticks and dip it in mayo while watching late night showings of Grey's Anatomy (you know who you are!) and others will probably go shopping for lingerie that their parents or church groups would denounce them for wearing.

Let's not forget those guys that spend drunken nights watching Sex and the City with their numerous female friends and of course you can never forget the people that watch porn because they enjoy it (You are not watching it for the stories! Stop lieing to yourself!). Then you have the strip club frequenters (Yes, they do love you and want to marry you! MUAHAHAHA!). We shouldn't forget about those that get drunk Friday nights, play a FIFA '08 tournament, win said tournament and then lie to their significant others about being at work till the wee hours of the morning.

I just realised this list is endless and I could go on and on... but I won't.

Anyway, the point is that everybody has something they do that is basically a "Guilty" pleasure. Now how would most people define a "Guilty" pleasure? Well it's something you enjoy doing but you feel bad about. I could use guilty instead of bad, but I've been told you should never use the word you want to define in a definition.

Now I've done tons of stuff that I enjoy and I spend large parts of the day telling myself I don't feel guilty about doing them. Yes, I'm a very convincing liar.

I shall now list down just 3 of my "Guilty" pleasures (Why? Because it's my blog and I can?):

1) Watching shows like Beauty and the Geek and America's Next Top Model: In all honesty Beauty and the Geek has to be the funniest show on T.V. The women are the ultimate male HCHHSSTT fantasy and dumb to boot. Though sometimes I think they do it more to get the attention.

The Geeks, well, let's just say I can relate to them. Hell I could probably get on the show. I may not be a very smart Geek, but I am definitely a Geek (Video games, comics, cartoons, blogging - Nuff Said).

2) Revving the throttle of my bike in front of attractive (and sometimes not so attractive) women: While this is definitely the most lame thing I do, and completely goes against the code of being a "Biker Dude". It is something that trully gives me pleasure. Unforunately for me, it has gotten me into embarassing situations. Such as stalling of said bike in front of an HCHHSSTT.

I can understand why Suzzanne would feel a little jealous. However, it is something I doubt I'll ever stop. Hmmm... Kinda like the way I'll never stop checking out an HCHHSSTT even when I'm married. But I digress... a lot...

and finally

3) Writing a blog: I have to admit, after all these months I definitely do get a certain joy from writing about myself and my not so ludicrous thoughts (as well as those of my friends).

It's not even about getting famous anymore or meeting an HCHHSSTT. It's more because I've realised I suck at keeping in touch with my friends and so I finally found a way to let them know I'm alive.

Sure not everybody is interested in the Lifestyle of the broke and not so ludicrous, but hey for those that actually do want to know. This one is for you!

The truth is, I'm all about "Guilty" pleasures. In fact I believe without the guilt, a lot of the pleasure vanishes. I mean come on, how many of us take pleasure in the fact that we work 40 hours a week? Oh wait, or how about that time you decided to go grocery shopping. So much pleasure right??

So what's in a Guilty pleasure? Everything. The more the better, just don't kill anybody. I don't need that on my conscience.