My Wedding Plans

So I attended a wedding this past weekend. A friend of mine from High School got married and insisted we come for the two day affair, three days if you include the "Bachelor" party. I of course being the rebel that I am refused to attend all three days, and eventually showed up for the "Bachelor" party and the first day. Completely missing out on the actual wedding.

Note: Indian Bachelor parties don't involve strippers of any kind. All you get are a bunch of dudes drinking and in this case three girls all of whom had boyfriends sipping on drinks watching the men dance with each other. Yes, all in all a very sordid event (Rest assured, I was not one of the before stated men).

Anyway, so my boy MWA (Mangie Wants to get Ass) and I figured that since we had to attend, we should focus on the positives: most Indian weddings have at least a few HCHHSSTT's (except they wear traditional Indian Clothing which really doesn't reveal much).

Once we arrived, MWA and I were surveying the scene and it occurred to me that as far as "wedding parties" go, this one was pretty simple and uninteresting.

Don't get me wrong, the groom did a fantastic job paying for everything. However, I realised I could've done a much better job with a similar or smaller budget.

So, this got me thinking about my wedding and what it would be.

Now, I know most of the time women plan the wedding, however when I get married, its my way or the highway.

So here are my plans to the perfect wedding:

Venue: I see myself having a "Christian" wedding, I can't really fathom myself doing the Hindu thing and seeing as no Islamic women would marry me in their right mind. Christian weddings are the way to go.

So, I'll keep this part simple and say the vows will be exchanged in a church and the reception will probably be done in a club (I don't wanna say strip club... but I am leaning towards it).

Dress Code: For men, the dress code is simple: Formal Relaxed. What is Formal Relaxed? Well, above the waist would be black tie; shirts, suit jacket and really big ties (really big!). Below the waist would be boxers. That's right boxers! I would even allow boxer briefs, but no briefs (for the record MWA had no clue what the difference was!). I believe in comfort, and if I want to be comfortable on my wedding day, everybody else should also be comfortable.

For women, the dress code can be whatever makes them an HCHHSSTT (I like to keep it simple).

Food: The only kinds of food that will be served will be finger foods. You know pizzas, hamburgers, hot dogs, french fries, etc. I have no problem with serving Indian Finger foods as well. As long as it's not messy and people can eat it on the move.

Drinks: Cheap alcohol. Yes, I'm cheap. But, lots of it!

Guests: The way I see it, I'd invite all the guys and my wife would only be allowed to invite women. Preferably women that the guy friends I invite would be able to flirt with. Obviously, I realise this would reduce the numbers attending. However, in the long run: quality over quantity (Saving money greater than all!).

Additionally, nobody over 40 allowed, except for my immediate family and the brides immediate family.

Decor: The reception hall would have a theme which depend on the last, but no less important factor.

Date: Either on St. Patricks Day or Halloween. The way I see it, those are two days I already enjoy celebrating, so why not double the effect. Imagine a St. Patricks day wedding! We'd have people wearing top hats and women dressed in short green dresses or on Halloween, the women could come as naughty nurses, or sexy policewomen, but I digress. The side effect of having the wedding on one of these dates is that I wouldn't forget my wedding anniversary.

We can't have it on Christmas or New Years since I like to keep those two separate, and let's face it. New Year Weddings are very cliched.

So, those are just a few of the things I'd do to ensure the ultimate wedding.

Now, I have to find a woman who would actually allow this!