Stache Attack

First off, there is definitely something to be said about posting at 2:30 AM after an evening of drinking. Regardless of what people say, I would like to believe some of my best work is done in situations such as this. Sure, there may be tons of typo's (spell check is godly!) and sure the post may be nonsensical but I'd like to believe that they make enough sense to be relevant.

So, this was a pretty interesting weekend for me all things considered.

It started with a passport verification check on Friday where I found out that most passports have a 50% chance of being approved when you have a rental address as the permanent address. I guess us Indians have come so far that regardless of whom you are, you are expected to own property. That's a shame for people like me, but hey "Go Indians???"

However, I did notice something very interesting when I went for passport verification. Apparently, there is a rule somewhere that states everybody who enrolls in the Indian Police Corp (I'm guessing that's what they call them) have to grow mustaches.

You think I'm kidding right now? Wrong! Every cop that I saw had a mustache. Sure some were big, some small, some thin, some thick, there was the Hitler and there there was Freddy Mercury. There was red (Yes, Indian men love coloring their hair), there was brown and there was black. Some of them would've given Tom Selleck a run for his money. Only thing missing was a blonde mustache. In fact, I believe that to be accepted into the Indian Police Corps, you would have to grow a mustache. It doesn't matter if it's pencil thin and looks like pubic hair, they'd let you in.

I hope by blogging about this, I don't jinx my passport approval.

So, this was followed by Friday night session where I hung out with two friends and we discussed assorted topics from HCHHSSTT's to more mundane topics such as work.

Saturday was really no different, I had my boy TL (Team Lead - apparently he is never getting promoted) come over and we discussed assorted women and their zaniness and drank an afternoon beer or two. Seriously, there is something to be said about afternoon beer, there is absolutely nothing like it on a warm weekend day. It up lift's your spirits in so many ways.

Finally, we come to tonight. Tonight is Sunday and I just got back from Wishy Washy's birthday celebration. Let me tell you, Wishy Washy went all out. He went as far as to have Black Label out for everybody to drink. I had Rum N Coke. Something about RnC. It's old school, it's a kids drink, but it's ohh so sweet (I'm also hoping less calories than beer, though I'm pretty sure the coke is negating that).

It was a fairly enjoyable evening, I met some old friends, whom I spent the evening torturing and who tortured me. What is it about Girl on Girl action that gets all men excited? It doesn't even have to happen, just the possibility is enough to make us blush. I don't get it, but I will admit I am a sucker for it. I would like to think I made a new "friend" and for once I was decently attired so I think I may have made a positive impact. However, I distinctly remember asking her if she was "Bi-sexual". Sigh, this is becoming a trend of sorts.

I finally had to leave, because NCB (Ninja Cock Blocker) was passed out, and Wishy Washy's parents were on their way back. I will never understand why people insist on getting to know Puff the Magic Dragon, especially when Puff insists on making them pay the price.

Let me tell you, dragging someone home who has been burnt by Puff is absolutely no fun.

All in all, I'd say it was a good weekend. On another positive note, I may just get passes to go to a fashion meet soon.

Why do I like fashion you ask? I don't. I just love the thought of HCHHSSTT's dressing up in different attire. Yes, I'm a pervert.

Like you didn't know already?

Drunken Dialing

So after two and a half years, the company I work for is finally shifting to a new office. This building is supposed to be state of the art, with all sorts of facilities. Of course we live in India so that means the building took three years to complete and it will take another year to finish putting in all the state of the art facilities.

However, the company decided to throw a party to inaugurate the new premises.

As far as parties go it wasn't too shabby. We actually had a dress code for the party which was Black tie. I had to rebel and decided to go with a really flashy blue tie. However, considering that I was wearing a shirt, pants, jacket and leather shoes to go with it. I think most people were actually pleasantly surprised I could clean up.

The great part about a formal dress code is that you get to see all the people you work with at their best, especially the women. Nothing beats an HCHHSSTT all decked out in formal gowns.

So as with all company parties, especially IT companies you get a bunch of repressed nerds that go crazy because of all the free liquor. So there we all were getting completely sloshed.

To my credit I was not very drunk. I was pleasantly buzzed. So much so that I was probably the least emotional of all my friends.

I know I've posted on this before, but I want to reiterate that alcohol makes people do some crazy things. There were grown men and women crying everywhere. People getting truly emotional. My colleague BWSP (Batman Wannabe Scared of Pigeons) started jiving with random women though he swore he wouldn't. My other colleague SBB (Short Build Bastard) was trying to get a lesbian to have a threesome. A third colleague, whom we'll call NCB (Ninja Cock Blocker) was drooling over all the women and cock blocking them.

Well you can all imagine, the end result was a bunch of really well dressed men and some (not all) well dressed women drunk, emotional and falling all over each other.

As for me? Well, like I said I was pleasantly buzzed and decided to get myself home before I started acting like the rest. Interestingly enough I think I did only three stupid things all evening:

1) I asked a girl if she was a lesbian - This is never good. Avoid it at all costs. Trust me. To make it worse, I was actually thinking I had a shot with this woman. Note to self: Learn to keep mouth shut when drinking!

2) Dance with the CEO's date - Right, if you want to keep your job do not under any circumstance do this. I think the only reason I still have a job is because he thinks I have "Potential". Mind you I haven't gotten promoted in two and half years! But hey.. I still have a job right?

3) Drunken dial a female friend in the hope that I could get lucky - Umm, maybe I was more buzzed than I realised.

I think friends should stop friends from drunk dialing. Somebody needs to come up with a buddy system that takes care of this. It's like Drunken driving. You don't let your friends drink and drive. Similarly there should be a designated phone holder. He's responsible for handling all his drunk friends cellphones.

This way, no matter how drunk you get you can't drunk dial anybody. I think I may have to put some more thought into this and come up with a system. It's for the betterment of man kind!

Thank god these parties only happen once a year.

Karma

So I was going through my sister's blog, and it has once again dawned on me just how much better she is at this blogging thing than I am. In fact, you fail to realise that she's just 18 and already putting up posts that make me feel like I'm a hack.

So now not only does she write better than me, but she's gone and gotten a 96% in her final year exams. She even passed Bengali with a 65%. Don't ask me how she did it, because I have no clue. Don't get me wrong, my sister is anything but dumb. She's a little moronic and the occasional airhead but she's not dumb.

Oh hell! Fine I'm a little jealous. Wouldn't you be if your little brat of a sister scored a 96% in her finals and did so all the while laughing at everybody's discomfort. Did I mention that she did that while only thinking about her trip to Bali.

I guess some people can plan as much as they want and the plans just never work out. Some of us plan and the problem is when your plans do work out, you find yourself exactly where you thought you would be only to realise that where you are is really unsatisfying. And finally some of us, don't plan and just "wing it" and end up right where we want to be.

There is definitely something to be said for "winging it".

She updated her blog recently saying "This author is unable to update as she is too busy having fun. " - Well, I think we can all agree that maybe, just maybe she deserves to be having fun.

So, Trish to you I raise my beer and say "Welcome to the next chapter of your life and know that everybody now will expect nothing less than a 96% from you. After all you did it once. You can do it all the time! Enjoy!" (Evil smile).

Scotch, Music and Conversation

I'm sitting at my desk and I'm pondering what I should blog about. I've come to the realisation that somewhere along the way I have lost sight about what my blog is supposed to be about.

It started off as a "My Firsts" list. Obviously, as time went on I ran out of "My Firsts" or at least didn't have as many to write about. The sad truth about this is, maybe I should be doing more new things in my life. That realisation has me sitting here pondering the lack of adventure and excitement I face everyday.

However, before I digress any further, let us get back to the progression of my blog. Today, it seems to be a combination of various activities I've taken part in and rules that I'd like to believe I follow in my life.

There is definitely something to be said for someone that post's about all the different rules to be followed in different situations. I'm just not sure if it's something good or bad. I guess I can ponder this later.

So I've decided that today, I'm just going to write complete gibberish and hope that whoever reads on doesn't fall asleep. If by now it's not obvious to you that I'm not at all sure where this blog or post is going, you may want to pat yourself on the head and close the browser window.

First of all, after spending a month living with my brother and MWA, I've come to the realisation that while I love living alone, there is definitely something to be said about having the company of people you truly care about at all times. In a lot of ways, the last month reminded me just how much I miss the luxuries I had in NYC. I'm not referring to the lifestyle. What I truly miss is the fact that I was living with the most important people in my life, and all the while I was afforded enough privacy and space to ensure my sanity. Definitely good times.

I've also realised that if I ever hope to get into a live in relationship with an HCHHSSTT, I'd better get used to thing's not being the way I like them. I'm not quite sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing but at least I don't need to worry about that anytime soon.

I went to an engagement this weekend and came away realising that while I am very proud to be Indian, I refuse to get engaged / married the way Indians do. I've already posted on what I'm going to do for my wedding. Well as far as my engagement "party" goes, I think it will just be a small affair with some close friends, lots of alcohol and tons of women. I figure if I have to wake up the next day with the realization that I'm never going to sleep with more than one chick for the rest of my life, well then I need a pick me upper and the alcohol and women are going to help there.

As for inviting family to my engagement "party", well I think it's better if I just took them out for an engagement lunch somewhere fancy and have a combination of my Mom and Brother foot the bill for me.

In another interesting twist, I now have no filter when I say things or do things. After two plus years dealing with a set of people that just plain irritate me, I have made a conscious decision to not deal with them if I don't have too and walk off.

Case in point was the engagement I went to this weekend, where I eventually got tired of waiting for the engaged couple to land up at their own afterparty and left before they showed up, this was preceded by me telling a girl she was boring me and walking away while she was still talking, which I know my mother wouldn't be happy with me for, but in my defense she deserved it. Interestingly enough, I almost forgot about the guy I flipped off because he was acting like a douche.

On a rather large side note, there are a lot of ways to get over various romantic interests in your life. You could always start dating someone a lot smarter and better looking, alternatively you could just move away to a different country and hope never to see the person again. However, you should never underestimate the power of seeing a romantic interest of yours making what you believe to be the biggest mistake of their life. It doesn't matter if you are right or wrong, it's all about belief.

Finally, I have to admit that while it can be fun going out on a date with various HCHHSSTT's, sometimes the best thing to help you relax could just be scotch, music and conversation.

Night of Tuborg

So this is not really a weekend update, it's more of an awareness update.

You see I spent this week, the way I spend most of my weekends which is going out with friends and getting drunk. However, there was a small difference this past weekend. This weekend I got to go out with friends and drink all the Tuborg beer I wanted for just Rs. 500 (That's $10 for the rest of you!).

Now contrary to public opinion, I'm not a cheap guy. I just have a budget and choose to live within it. Sometimes though, I tend to forget whom I'm around and I make the mistake of coming off cheap. It's a sad flaw I have. Something I definitely need to work on as apparently it has cost me at least one potential HCHHSSTT this past week already.

However I digress, so there we were Rs.500 for all the beer I wanted. There was no way I was going to pass up on this opportunity. It was Saturday night, and I was ready and raring to go!

This would be a good time to add that the friends I was drinking with are all 21 or at most 22. Now one of these young lads had chosen this moment to challenge me. That's right challenge moi! He claimed very positively he would and could drink more than I could.

Now every Manly Man knows, that no matter what happens when challenged by Obnoxious Little Brat's (OLB), you must step up to the plate and accept said challenge.

So there I was in a drink off with a 21 year old.

I guess drinking all the beers you can is a lot like when you meet a girl for the first time. With women, you want to make a great first impression on the girl. Sometimes however, you completely crash and bomb and the first impression you make is a disaster. What you have to realise is, you just need to calm yourself and realise there will be more chances to change that impression. It's the same thing with a night of all you can drink beer, just cause you don't chug the first three doesn't mean that you'll end up drinking less once the evening is done.

In the end the OLB started passing out at about beer number 10 and half. Like most OLB's he had failed to pace himself.

Hoever, at 26 I couldn't afford to make these amateur mistakes. I couldn't afford too drink too fast and end up throwing up somewhere, not when I had another record that I refused to concede.

You see, I've been Puke free since '03! If I ever decided to run for Presidency, I think that would be my campaign slogan and I think I'd get quite a few votes. For one thing it's a lot more catchy than "Change we can believe in!" (or whatever Mr. B.O. was using).

Being older and wiser I knew that it wasn't important how fast I drink but rather how much I drink without hurling - by the way if you are still throwing up at the age of 26 after a night of binge drinking, you may want too really take some time to reflect on yourself.

I ended the night with 12 and half beers, all the while staying "reasonably" sober. I say "reasonably" because the worst thing I did that night was ogle at some HCHHSSTT's. Considering the fact that I didn't hurl, nor act inappropriately in any manner, I'd say I was pretty well behaved.

Anyway, as you can imagine after the 12 and half beers which isn't even a record for me. I was pretty worn down and decided to call it a night. Sad truth? There was a time, when I could drink till 6 am and not feel worn down or close to calling it a night.

Sigh, let's just say this is when us older and wiser people truly feel the pain.

Gone are the days when I could outsleep the beer and the hangover.

I suffered through some very disturbed sleep (weird weird dreams - dreamt FLBN was standing above me and saying "I told you so!" Shudder!!), woke up four times to relieve my bladder, suffered through a headache while sleeping which was then nice enough to stay for 4 hours after I woke up, and finally the onset of a cold and fever. Is there a scientific study showing beer as a catalyst for a common cold? If there isn't one already, we need to get it done! I'm living proof!

In the words of Roger Murtaugh "I'm too old for this shit!".

Pushover Syndrome

So in keeping with a mini theme of my blog, I ask my ardent readers what they wish to read about and then I blog about it.

Today, an ardent reader who I've decided to label FLBN (Female Lawyer with a Big Nose - I know it's a mouthful, but trust me it's true!) asked me to write about how guys are such push overs when it comes to women.

She probably expected me to argue the topic with her, and as always she probably expected me to end the conversation with a rant and rave on how men are not pushovers. However, I chose to agree with her. Cause let's face it, truer words were never spoken.

Even the Manliest of Manly Men can be made to do anything by a specimen of the opposite sex (granted it would have to be a 10 on the HCHHSSTT scale).

Why does this happen I asked myself. The answer is simple.

The female form is designed to bring men to their knees and when you add in the fact that they have no conscience and hence don't care about right or wrong (with regard to men), it makes for a losing battle for men.

For example, I have a friend SBB (Short Built Bast**d). Here is a guy who is very calm and controlled. I believe he can be very logical and generally doesn't react with emotion... Ok, that's not true but he's still better than most.

Anyway the fact is if you place SBB in a room filled with at least 3 women that are single. Chances are he'll end up driving at least one of them home even if it means going 3 hours out of his way on the off chance that he'd "get some". Sigh, one time he went half way to Goa all the way from Bombay to drop a HCHHSSTT off. In his defense, he did "get some".

Then we always have BWSP, this guy rocks to his own beat (literally). However, even he has given into the temptation of the HCHHSSTT. To give him the benefit of the doubt it took the combined efforts of Alcohol, Puff the Magic Dragon and a really long dry spell before he fell to his knees and gave in to the temptress.

Hell, even I've been victim to the Pushover Syndrome. On more than one occasion,I have found myself dropping some random HCHHSSTT home, or the times when I would spend nights on end listening to their incessant banter. That was the least of them by the way, I don't want to bring up the time I actually cut my hair for a girl because she "liked guys with short hair", or the time I went to a Sushi bar because she wanted Sushi (I abhor fish! Let alone raw fish!). All this just to "get some".

Come on be honest with yourself when it comes to women as long as they are relatively good looking, you'll do whatever it takes to "get some". And you know what? That's fine. We're weak and we'll admit to it. Some weaker than others (You know who you are!).

What really upset me though, is the fact that women know about this and still will do whatever they can to enhance the advantage. I don't think it ever once occurred to them to level the playing field, or better yet be nice and only use it at times of need. Nope, instead they continue to blatantly abuse their overwhelming power and then ask me to write about it.

Oh well, "getting some" sure is worth it.

Etiquette is a must

Etiquette is very important in life. There is dinner etiquette which is very important. Nobody likes to see someone chewing loudly with their mouth open and food dribbling down the side.

You have Subway / Train etiquette where it's always polite to let people off the train before you try to get on, nobody likes to push and shove.

How about Club etiquette, where you respect peoples personal space in a club and try not to feel up every HCHHSSTT in the club.

What people fail to realize is how important Strip Club etiquette is. After all, everybody should go to a strip club at least once in a lifetime. And yes, there is strip club etiquette. To be quite honest, what you do in a strip club is a true reflection on who you are as a person.

Note: I'm actually dedicating this post to a colleague of mine who insisted I post on this after a recent episode she went through. We shall call her "Gadha".

So here you go, Strip Club etiquette:

1) When going to a strip club if you have never been to one before and are uncertain about how you will react in a strip club, please try to avoid bragging about it. It is not Manly Man like to brag about the fact that you will go buck wild in a strip club, especially when you know that once there you will end up with "Mini - me" between your legs.

- Do not be proud about getting action at a strip club, they get paid for it, and if you are going to talk, back it up or else it just goes to show how full of poop you are.

2) Once in a strip club, please remember that strippers are people too. Treat them the way you would like to be treated. After all would you like people gawking at you when you work and making remarks like "Oh this is embarrassing! Let's get out of here!" or "I can't believe there are naked women around! Let's go home!".

- How you treat people and the respect you pay them at their workplace is a reflection on yourself as a person. These women are performing a vital service to all the lonely men (and women) out there. Without strippers, the suicide rate would be double. That's more than most people can say!

3) You do not need to get a lap dance in a strip club. However, do not keep a stripper busy all evening on the pretext that you will eventually spend some money on one.

- Would you like your day to be filled with people wasting your time and you not having anything to show for it? From past experience I know this can be painful. Don't be cheap and pretentious, if you want the girl to "bump n grind" pay the price!

4) When sitting near the stage for a dance, make a point to carry singles, so you give at least $1 to the girl on stage.

- Bottom line, if you are cheap at a strip club, you will never get laid. Women do not like cheap men. If you can't afford to spend $10 a strip club, you shouldn't be there.

5) Finally, and this is really more for your self preservation than anything else: Strippers do not want to date you. They do not like you. They definitely don't love you. They just want to get paid. Do them a favor and stop talking about the time you lost your job, or the time your ex-girlfriend dumped you.

I mean come on, there is a very hot, very naked girl in front of you. Pay the girl her $20 and shut up and let her do her job.

So there you have it, basic etiquette. Follow this and you will find every strip club experience to be a very pleasant and fulfilling one.