OK, so I know every guy out there likes to say they don't remember the night they lost their virginity. I like to think they are all lying through their teeth.
Unless of course they were so wasted that they don't remember what happened and that in turn brings up the possibility it never happened. Now that would suck. You lose your virginity but don't remember it? Wow.
I think one of the biggest reason's I remember all the details from my first time is because without it, I may have been a virgin till the age of 23. Yes, the gap between the first time I got laid and the second time I got laid was a little too long.
If I didn't know better I'd say I was being punished. By the way it had nothing to do with the size of her umm "friends".
So, the girl that consented to helping me rid myself of the monkey on my back called "Virginity" was a pretty good friend. In fact, I've decided that since she was the first girl to take me for a "spin", she deserves a name on my blog. So we shall call her FSVH (First, Short, Voluptuous HCHHSSTT). Unfortunately, she was the first of a very short list of "HCHHSSTT's".
I'm going to now list the importance of the first time you do the horizontal Bopshibop:
1) Set's the bar: The first time you get laid sets multiple measuring bars. It set's the bar as to how good you are and how much you can improve. I've always believed I was pretty good and I also believed that as far as potential went there was scope for massive improvements.
Before you all start snickering, I'm not saying I was "Awesome". No, I'm pretty sure I wasn't, but I did get a couple of "Oh!!" moments and I'm pretty sure I got an "ouch" moment. Of course that was about 7 years ago and I need to ask "Have I reached my potential?" I'd have to say no.
I still feel I have a lot more to learn, but that's more comforting than scary after all only one way to go and thats up!
It also sets the bar for how attractive the women you sleep with in the future will be. If she's ugly, it can work against you or even for you. Think about it? Really ugly means, it can only get better. Worst case scenario, the other women you sleep with will be just as bad.
By the way, if she's really hot, well you may just have peaked too early.
2) Builds up Confidence: If the first time goes exactly as you hoped, there will be nothing to stop you along the rest of the way. If it goes really badly, well you'll probably never get laid again till you get married.
Did I mention you'll probably end up marrying the first girl that feels sorry for you?
If it goes the way I think mine went which was a combination of Good and Funny, you'll probably end up like me (You poor S.OB.). I'd like to think I've left every HCHHSSTT I've been with laughing or lusting after me. Most were probably laughing, but I'll take what I can get.
3) Sex is overrated: It is, it really is. Sex is actually pretty boring, in fact I get more kicks from making out and foreplay (Man that sounds like sour grapes even to me and I'm writing it!).
By the way the act of Oral sex comes under foreplay as does the part with the breasts. Motor boating is an art form once learned that leaves every guy wanting to come back for seconds.
Also, like I said before nothing is better than getting that monkey of your back. I have friends today that are over 25 years old and are still virgins.
Can you spell R-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D. (Popatlal: did I spell that right?).
4) Do's and Don'ts: While this may seem related to point number one, it's really not.
I mean think about it, while the first time sets the bar on how good you are or in the case of certain people how bad. It also let's you experience the Do's and Dont's of sex.
It's the only time you are in possession of the rarest of gifts, a "Get out of Jail Free" card.
This is the time to experiment as much as you want, because after this you are held accountable for everything you do.
Now is the time, you can try that move from a certain pornographic movie you watched, or even something you saw on the internet. If it works "Hell Yeah!" if not "Oh Well! First time. Live and learn". I'll admit I really miss the card, I've been held accountable for things that really weren't my fault.
and finally...
5) Size does matter: That's right, this is the first time that somebody other than your Mom gets to see Junior or as I like to refer to him "Krull the Warrior King!".
All those hours spent laying awake panicking if you're on the short end of the stick are finally over. You see either way, she's going to answer that question for you and if it's bad news. Well that what they make pills for. The earlier you start, the better or so I've heard.
Like I said, the first time does matter and it's important to every guy. If you miss out on answering the above questions then you've got to go that much longer stressing over things that really aren't worth stressing over.
By the way, I spoke with FSVH recently and I made a terrible mistake. You see we've never really discussed our "first time" after it happened. In fact we went our own ways and spoke intermitently.
Well, the other day we were speaking when I asked her "Honestly, how was it that one time?" and she replied "I didn't really have any measuring sticks".
Trust me it's not something you want to hear. So whatever happens do not under any circumstance ever meet, converse or query the first girl you slept with cause it will only end badly. Do what I didn't and be happy with whatever answers you have and move on.
By the way I choose to repress that conversation and instead write this post to reaffirm in my mind, why my first time was "Legend.. wait for it... Dary!"
On a quick tangent by the way and completely unrelated, has any T.V. Show ever brought back as many things as "How I met your Mother?" Not only did Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser) make a comeback but he brought with him the following:
1) The liberal use of the word "Awesome"
2) High Five's for everybody.
3) One Liners like "Legend.. wait for it.. Dary!
4) Treating women like sex objects.
Does it get any better than that?
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