Reminder

This is a quick reminder for those people that still come to zaevdutt.blogspot.com or zaevdutt.posterous.com that I am no longer updating these two sites.

To view the updated Blog, please make sure you visit zaevdutt.com.

Thanks,

Zaev R. Dutt

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Where did the women go?

Those that follow me on either Twitter (@zaevdutt) or Facebook (www.facebook.com/zaevdutt) will immediately come to the conclusion that they know what this post is about after reading the heading.

They're going to say "Uh Oh! Here we go again. He's going to post about how there aren't enough good single women around!". Well you're in for a surprise. 

While I could post about that and make it interesting, while keeping in mind that it is true. I shall refrain from doing so.

You see my last post pretty much answers that question. Like I said, all the interesting women are taken at a young age by men who are easily old enough to be their Uncles. There isn't much that can be done about that. We can talk about how guys like me drive away potential single women by getting them upset while innocently asking questions like "How many men have you slept with?", but that would just be digressing.

On a side note: Why is it OK for men to talk about the women they've slept with but when you ask a woman, it's not OK? I mean we can't even ask them their age, and then you wonder why there are so many child molesters around.

It's simple really, most 15 or 16 year old's look like they're 20 going on 25. Whose fault is that? Well between the Media, the cosmetic companies and the companies producing Dairy products, it's a damn near toss up. On another tangent, I met a "French" girl today and I hate to say it, but the French really need to work on whom they chose to represent their country abroad. She claimed to be 21 while looking 25. Then she got upset at me for guessing she was 25. If you want to look younger, wear some makeup! 

Sigh, I apologize for digressing. Let's get back to the subject at hand. All of you, my avid readers think I'm about to go on a rant and rave about how there just aren't enough good quality single women around. I apologize if this make's it sound like I'm comparing them to a side of beef. Some comparison's can't be avoided. However, you will be glad to know that's not what I'm talking about. 

What I am going to rant and rave about is the complete downfall of women's sports today. 

First a couple of disclaimers, I don't personally follow women's sports. I know they play a lot of sports and they take it very seriously. For example there is the WNBA (Women's National Basketball Association - Yes a lot of thought went into that name), or even the LPGA (Ladies Professional Golf Association). Hell I've even seen a women's criket world cup being aired on T.V. I"m not sure what it's called, and I really refuse to put in the effort in to find out. After all its a bunch of women completely covered playing the world's most boring sport (Yes, Cricket falls at number 1 just ahead of Bass fishing on the list of 10 Most Boring Sports!). 

So anyway, most of you women are probably wondering "Why is there about to be a downfall in women's sports?". The answer is simple. There aren't enough people watching and hence the sponsors are leaving.

Think about it, when was the last time you watched any women's sports? By the way, Tennis doesn't count and for the record that's probably the most successful of the lot and still heading towards catastrophe. Nobody wants to watch another Williams Finals. That's third on the list of "Top 10 most boring things to do, preceded by watching Women's cricket and Bass fishing". 

This is what people don't get about Men. Most Manly Men are scared to death of displaying any affection for their fellow Manly Men unless of course it's in private. In which case there will be a lot of Man Hugs and Fist Bumping. However in public it's an entirely different ball game. 

You see men only allow their feelings to come out in public when watching sports. When you're a "dude" and you're watching the game, any game, you are allowed to shed a tear if your team is losing. You're allowed to kiss another guy if your team wins a big championship. If you're team is winning, taking off your shirt and swinging it around while you hug as many other men as possible is completely acceptable. When playing sport's you're even allowed to encourage fellow team member's by giving them a pat on their behinds.

Does anybody get where I'm going with this? 

Men are allowed to display their feelings for other men when watching sports. It is completely acceptable. In fact, most people would say to hold back any emotion especially while watching a group of men pummeling each other would be heresy. 

So I ask you again, why do women's sports fail? 

Simply because men refuse to follow it. Sure we quote lines such as "They aren't as big, or athletic enough" or how about "They just don't compete as hard!". 

Come on we all know that's not true. Women know that when it comes to sport's they have a lot more to prove than men, hence they train harder, play harder. I agree the game might not be as physical but it's a damn sight more fluid and natural, especially in this age of PED's (Performance Enhancing Drugs). 

Nope, the reason we don't follow it is because it doesn't allow any of us a way to release our "deeply hidden" emotions.

After all a man who shed's a tear watching a bunch of women lose... well that just makes them gay right? 

The problem in women's sports is that women refuse to watch it. Today, if all the women world over decided that watching the WNBA was a good way to release stress and a great way to bond, do you really believe the WNBA would be short of sponsors and on the doorstep of closing down? 

In fact, most women would force their boyfriends / husbands to go with them to these games. It would work like a chick flick. There is a reason that "The Proposal" will go on to make as much money as "Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen".

Fact: Women want to see Ryan Reynold's strutting his stuff along with Sandra Bullock. Then spend the rest of the week imagining their boyfriends look like Ryan Reynolds rather than Ron Jeremy.  

So what would be the simplest solution to avoiding the failure of women's sports? The solution to give women freedom world over? 

You have two options:

1) Have women play all play sports while dressed up in Bikini's. If you can't attract the women, you might as well get the men. The only "sports organization" that has it right today is the WWE. They know sex sell's. So they have busty attractive women that are scantily clad beating the shit out of each other.

Well them and beach volleyball. 

2) Target all the women out there. After all they make up a large part of the population and they wield the power of "The Wallet". Make them care about women's sports the way they care about fashion and accessorizing. 

I want to take this time to let you know, I really don't mean to come off cynical or negative. I don't mean to criticize or belittle. I am just stating a truth. 

If women's sports wants to survive the recession and / or get to the next level, they either need to target all the non homosexual women in the world today or they simply dumb down the sport and strip to their birthday suits because in the end those are the only two options that will save them. 

Either way should make for an interesting time. 

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Where did the women go?

Those that follow me on either Twitter (@zaevdutt) or Facebook (www.facebook.com/zaevdutt) will immediately come to the conclusion that they know what this post is about after reading the heading.

They're going to say "Uh Oh! Here we go again. He's going to post about how there aren't enough good single women around!". Well you're in for a surprise. 

While I could post about that and make it interesting, while keeping in mind that it is true. I shall refrain from doing so.

You see my last post pretty much answers that question. Like I said, all the interesting women are taken at a young age by men who are easily old enough to be their Uncles. There isn't much that can be done about that. We can talk about how guys like me drive away potential single women by getting them upset while innocently asking questions like "How many men have you slept with?", but that would just be digressing.

On a side note: Why is it OK for men to talk about the women they've slept with but when you ask a woman, it's not OK? I mean we can't even ask them their age, and then you wonder why there are so many child molesters around.

It's simple really, most 15 or 16 year old's look like they're 20 going on 25. Whose fault is that? Well between the Media, the cosmetic companies and the companies producing Dairy products, it's a damn near toss up. On another tangent, I met a "French" girl today and I hate to say it, but the French really need to work on whom they chose to represent their country abroad. She claimed to be 21 while looking 25. Then she got upset at me for guessing she was 25. If you want to look younger, wear some makeup! 

Sigh, I apologize for digressing. Let's get back to the subject at hand. All of you, my avid readers think I'm about to go on a rant and rave about how there just aren't enough good quality single women around. I apologize if this make's it sound like I'm comparing them to a side of beef. Some comparison's can't be avoided. However, you will be glad to know that's not what I'm talking about. 

What I am going to rant and rave about is the complete downfall of women's sports today. 

First a couple of disclaimers, I don't personally follow women's sports. I know they play a lot of sports and they take it very seriously. For example there is the WNBA (Women's National Basketball Association - Yes a lot of thought went into that name), or even the LPGA (Ladies Professional Golf Association). Hell I've even seen a women's criket world cup being aired on T.V. I"m not sure what it's called, and I really refuse to put in the effort in to find out. After all its a bunch of women completely covered playing the world's most boring sport (Yes, Cricket falls at number 1 just ahead of Bass fishing on the list of 10 Most Boring Sports!). 

So anyway, most of you women are probably wondering "Why is there about to be a downfall in women's sports?". The answer is simple. There aren't enough people watching and hence the sponsors are leaving.

Think about it, when was the last time you watched any women's sports? By the way, Tennis doesn't count and for the record that's probably the most successful of the lot and still heading towards catastrophe. Nobody wants to watch another Williams Finals. That's third on the list of "Top 10 most boring things to do, preceded by watching Women's cricket and Bass fishing". 

This is what people don't get about Men. Most Manly Men are scared to death of displaying any affection for their fellow Manly Men unless of course it's in private. In which case there will be a lot of Man Hugs and Fist Bumping. However in public it's an entirely different ball game. 

You see men only allow their feelings to come out in public when watching sports. When you're a "dude" and you're watching the game, any game, you are allowed to shed a tear if your team is losing. You're allowed to kiss another guy if your team wins a big championship. If you're team is winning, taking off your shirt and swinging it around while you hug as many other men as possible is completely acceptable. When playing sport's you're even allowed to encourage fellow team member's by giving them a pat on their behinds.

Does anybody get where I'm going with this? 

Men are allowed to display their feelings for other men when watching sports. It is completely acceptable. In fact, most people would say to hold back any emotion especially while watching a group of men pummeling each other would be heresy. 

So I ask you again, why do women's sports fail? 

Simply because men refuse to follow it. Sure we quote lines such as "They aren't as big, or athletic enough" or how about "They just don't compete as hard!". 

Come on we all know that's not true. Women know that when it comes to sport's they have a lot more to prove than men, hence they train harder, play harder. I agree the game might not be as physical but it's a damn sight more fluid and natural, especially in this age of PED's (Performance Enhancing Drugs). 

Nope, the reason we don't follow it is because it doesn't allow any of us a way to release our "deeply hidden" emotions.

After all a man who shed's a tear watching a bunch of women lose... well that just makes them gay right? 

The problem in women's sports is that women refuse to watch it. Today, if all the women world over decided that watching the WNBA was a good way to release stress and a great way to bond, do you really believe the WNBA would be short of sponsors and on the doorstep of closing down? 

In fact, most women would force their boyfriends / husbands to go with them to these games. It would work like a chick flick. There is a reason that "The Proposal" will go on to make as much money as "Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen".

Fact: Women want to see Ryan Reynold's strutting his stuff along with Sandra Bullock. Then spend the rest of the week imagining their boyfriends look like Ryan Reynolds rather than Ron Jeremy.  

So what would be the simplest solution to avoiding the failure of women's sports? The solution to give women freedom world over? 

You have two options:

1) Have women play all play sports while dressed up in Bikini's. If you can't attract the women, you might as well get the men. The only "sports organization" that has it right today is the WWE. They know sex sell's. So they have busty attractive women that are scantily clad beating the shit out of each other.

Well them and beach volleyball. 

2) Target all the women out there. After all they make up a large part of the population and they wield the power of "The Wallet". Make them care about women's sports the way they care about fashion and accessorizing. 

I want to take this time to let you know, I really don't mean to come off cynical or negative. I don't mean to criticize or belittle. I am just stating a truth. 

If women's sports wants to survive the recession and / or get to the next level, they either need to target all the non homosexual women in the world today or they simply dumb down the sport and strip to their birthday suits because in the end those are the only two options that will save them. 

Either way should make for an interesting time. 

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Bank Accounts

OK, so today I heard something very funny and amazingly it actually made sense.

Now while it may not be very politically correct and it definitely is the kind of thing that sets women's rights back a 100 years it was still funny. 

BWSP, SBB and I were discussing the dearth of women. Well the dearth of women for me. We realized as men grow older it gets a lot harder to find available women. This is because most women get into "relationships" at really young ages and are all taken by the time they get to my age.Now there are definitely exceptions to the rule like the Pact Girl, but on average they start dating very young and end up in relationships for life. 

Note: Keep in mind, I could always try to date younger women. After all I do have a 18 year old sister who knows quite a few young HCHHSSTT's. However, even I'm not that shallow or desperate... Yet! 

As for the women that don't start dating young, well they just get really picky. They want their guys to look like Hugh Jackman, be funny like WIll Smith and be as charming and suave as Pierce Brosnan. This by the way is virtually impossible. I mean I'm awesome, but even I'm not that awesome. 

So there we were discussing this theory, when all of a sudden SBB declares the following: "Women are like banking accounts. You have your Fixed Deposits, your Saving Accounts and finally your Current Accounts." 

As you can imagine BWSP and I spent the next five minutes laughing. Then we realized how true his words were, you may not like it and it may seem sexist, but for most men this would be the ideal way to categorize women.

By the way Mom, I can hear you groaning out loud and wondering how in the world you managed to raise a child like me. Good luck I guess? 

We then spent the next 10 minutes fleshing out each of the categories, which I've taken the liberty to post for all of you avid readers out there.

This way all the women can determine which category they are in. The categories are: 

1) Fixed Deposits: These are women whom men like to take home to their parents. One possibility is that they could be daughters of family friends. This is primarily for Indian men as they believe their families would encourage an "arranged marriage", especially if the girl is a 10 on the HCHHSSTT scale. 

Alternatively, female friends that have stuck around for years, with whom they may or may not have shared a "moment" also fit the bill.

Keep in mind that the two people managed to keep the "friendship" going through any and all turmoil.

By the way, if you spend more time talking to the guy than sleeping with him, it is a good sign.

Men like to keep these around for as long as possible, only cashing in this "account" once they settle on a girl to marry. Some men may even continue the "account" on the off chance they are hedging against a possible divorce. 

2) Savings Account: These are women that men believe have potential. The may date sporadically. 

These relationships are marked by the fact that they are meaningful. Time is spent in equal amounts of  talking and getting jiggy with it.

The minimum time spent with the girl is at least a year. It can be on and off, but it needs to be for at least a year.  

A lot of men see women in the Savings Account category as Fixed Deposits.

By the way I am really scared at how easily this Banking Analogy is catching on in my mind. It's really making a little too much sense right now 

3) Current Deposits: These are women that most men cash in as soon as possible (By the way that sounds bad even to me). 

You know you are in this kind of relationship if the conversation is limited and sex is abundant. There is very little hope to take this anywhere unless some how the girl makes an impression that the guy is forced to make her a more permanent  / prominent fixture in his life. This is very unlikely.  

Now, I want to take this moment to let all my female readers know that I am in no way condoning this categorization. I just think for most men, it's really convenient. Does it make it right? No, but it doesn't mean it shouldn't be used. 

In a way, it's a lot like Nuclear weapons. We all know they are bad, we all know they shouldn't be kept around as it will probably lead to WW III. Yet, every country that can produce them has a stockpile of them. Let's face it, it is really convenient. 

I would like to take this moment to let you know how scared I am. I just managed to compare "condoning of Nuclear Weapons" to "condoning of a banking analogy that helps categorize the way men "feel" about the women they are seeing".

I'm not sure if this will make my women readers feel better, but technically you could use this to categorize men as well. Except we all know women aren't shallow enough to actually go ahead and use it. 

More power to you all. I'm still going with convenience over correct. 

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Nothing like it

OK, so I know every guy out there likes to say they don't remember the night they lost their virginity. I like to think they are all lying through their teeth.

Unless of course they were so wasted that they don't remember what happened and that in turn brings up the possibility it never happened. Now that would suck. You lose your virginity but don't remember it? Wow. 

I think one of the biggest reason's I remember all the details from my first time is because without it, I may have been a virgin till the age of 23. Yes, the gap between the first time I got laid and the second time I got laid was a little too long.

If I didn't know better I'd say I was being punished. By the way it had nothing to do with the size of her umm "friends".

So, the girl that consented to helping me rid myself of the monkey on my back called "Virginity" was a pretty good friend. In fact, I've decided that since she was the first girl to take me for a "spin", she deserves a name on my blog. So we shall call her FSVH (First, Short, Voluptuous HCHHSSTT). Unfortunately, she was the first of a very short list of "HCHHSSTT's". 

I'm going to now list the importance of the first time you do the horizontal Bopshibop:

1) Set's the bar: The first time you get laid sets multiple measuring bars. It set's the bar as to how good you are and how much you can improve. I've always believed I was pretty good and I also believed that as far as potential went there was scope for massive improvements.

Before you all start snickering, I'm not saying I was "Awesome". No, I'm pretty sure I wasn't, but I did get a couple of "Oh!!" moments and I'm pretty sure I got an "ouch" moment. Of course that was about 7 years ago and I need to ask "Have I reached my potential?" I'd have to say no.

I still feel I have a lot more to learn, but that's more comforting than scary after all only one way to go and thats up! 

It also sets the bar for how attractive the women you sleep with in the future will be. If she's ugly, it can work against you or even for you. Think about it? Really ugly means, it can only get better. Worst case scenario, the other women you sleep with will be just as bad.

By the way, if she's really hot, well you may just have peaked too early. 

2) Builds up Confidence: If the first time goes exactly as you hoped, there will be nothing to stop you along the rest of the way. If it goes really badly, well you'll probably never get laid again till you get married.

Did I mention you'll probably end up marrying the first girl that feels sorry for you?

If it goes the way I think mine went which was a combination of Good and Funny, you'll probably end up like me (You poor S.OB.). I'd like to think I've left every HCHHSSTT I've been with laughing or lusting after me. Most were probably laughing, but I'll take what I can get.

3) Sex is overrated: It is, it really is. Sex is actually pretty boring, in fact I get more kicks from making out and foreplay (Man that sounds like sour grapes even to me and I'm writing it!).

By the way the act of Oral sex comes under foreplay as does the part with the breasts. Motor boating is an art form once learned that leaves every guy wanting to come back for seconds.

Also, like I said before nothing is better than getting that monkey of your back. I have friends today that are over 25 years old and are still virgins.

Can you spell R-E-P-R-E-S-S-E-D. (Popatlal: did I spell that right?).

4) Do's and Don'ts: While this may seem related to point number one, it's really not.

I mean think about it, while the first time sets the bar on how good you are or in the case of certain people how bad. It also let's you experience the Do's and Dont's of sex.

It's the only time you are in possession of the rarest of gifts, a "Get out of Jail Free" card.

This is the time to experiment as much as you want, because after this you are held accountable for everything you do.

Now is the time, you can try that move from a certain pornographic movie you watched, or even something you saw on the internet. If it works "Hell Yeah!" if not "Oh Well! First time. Live and learn". I'll admit I really miss the card, I've been held accountable for things that really weren't my fault. 

and finally... 

5) Size does matter: That's right, this is the first time that somebody other than your Mom gets to see Junior or as I like to refer to him "Krull the Warrior King!".

All those hours spent laying awake panicking if you're on the short end of the stick are finally over. You see either way, she's going to answer that question for you and if it's bad news. Well that what they make pills for. The earlier you start, the better or so I've heard. 

Like I said, the first time does matter and it's important to every guy. If you miss out on answering the above questions then you've got to go that much longer stressing over things that really aren't worth stressing over.   

By the way, I spoke with FSVH recently and I made a terrible mistake. You see we've never really discussed our "first time" after it happened. In fact we went our own ways and spoke intermitently.

Well, the other day we were speaking when I asked her "Honestly, how was it that one time?" and she replied "I didn't really have any measuring sticks".

Trust me it's not something you want to hear. So whatever happens do not under any circumstance ever meet, converse or query the first girl you slept with cause it will only end badly. Do what I didn't and be happy with whatever answers you have and move on. 

By the way I choose to repress that conversation and instead write this post to reaffirm in my mind, why my first time was "Legend.. wait for it... Dary!"

On a quick tangent by the way and completely unrelated, has any T.V. Show ever brought back as many things as "How I met your Mother?" Not only did Neil Patrick Harris (Doogie Howser) make a comeback but he brought with him the following:

1) The liberal use of the word "Awesome"

2) High Five's for everybody. 

3) One Liners like "Legend.. wait for it.. Dary!

4) Treating women like sex objects. 

Does it get any better than that? 

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

We have liftoff

First off, I'd like to take this moment to apologize to all my ardent readers out there. I realize my blog has been down for some time now and while I do have a littany of good excuses, I shall refrain from using them.

Instead I apologize once more.

While I've managed to move all my posts to Wordpress, I'm sorry I haven't been able to move all the comments. You will notice, those of you who insisted on commenting on zaevdutt.blogspot.com have had all your comments moved over. Unfortunately, Wordpress and Posterous haven't quite linked up yet. Those are the breaks I guess. By the way I also want to take this time to tell you that Posterous is a phenomenal model, I only moved away from it because of the lack of customizability with regard to design.

And Finally, while the design of this blog may seem very plain, its a work in progress. It took me a long time to finalize on this design and I personally like it for it's simplicity.

Some of the new and old features of the blog include:

1) Blog Roll - These are links to blogs I read.

2) My Twitter Feed - These include most of my nonsensical, value adding twitter updates. Follow me!

3) Tag Cloud - This is my personal favourite, it's a Tag Cloud which takes you to posts that have been categorized or tagged in a certain way by me. Should make for easier browsing.

While I have yet to update the blog with any new material, you can take the time to enjoy some of it's new aspects and go through the older posts.

Oh and you can expect a post from me over the weekend.

P.S. For all the updates, you must view the blog using the url http://www.zaevdutt.com

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

10 Things I'd rather be doing

So, couple of quick things. I've learnt I really should never post from my Blackberry or when highly intoxicated. For those interested, I made a couple of edits to the post "As Drunk as a Homeless Man on New Years Eve". I'd like to believe it's a better read now, still as "Honest" as before, just a whole lot better to read. I apologize for all the spelling and grammar mistakes. 

So moving on, this is going to be a quick post.

I was sitting at work today when I emailed TPG (The Pact Girl) 10 things I'd rather be doing. The 10 things were really good, so I've decided to share them with you - My Avid Readers!

While this isn't the original list emailed, it's pretty close. So here you go in a vague order of importance, 10 Things I'd rather be doing: 

10) Taking a dump, while reading JLA (Justice League of America) comics: You'd be amazed at how relaxing and fun this is. 

9) Getting a lap dance in a strip club in NYC: Nothing like a Brooklyn girl giving you a lap dance, alternatively you could get one from a Latina girl as well. Whatever floats your boat. 

8) Getting a lap dance in a strip club in Las Vegas: Completely difference experience, as nothing beats a Brooklyn girl who moved to LA, got implants, failed at acting and decided to become a stripper in Vegas instead (Only one step away from making a porno!). More over you can follow this up with a Breakfast Buffet for $4.99! 

7) Playing Poker with MJ (Jackson), MJ (Jordan), Elvis, Kobe, Wilt, Lenon and Lenin: You telling me you don't want to know what Jordan thinks about Kobe? Or what Jackson thinks about his death, his kids custody battle and his possible burial at Neverland? Let's not even get started on Wilt telling you stories on how he slept with over a 100 HCHHSSTT's while cussing Shaq out. Lennon cussing McCartney out and finally Lenin cussing Stalin out. Lots of cussing, good times all around in my opinion.  

6) Riding Suzzanne across India while singing "Life is a Highway" in my head: I do think that after an hour or two when I can't feel my ass, I'll probably want to do one of the other 9 things. In the meantime though "life is a high way and I wanna ride it all night long!". 

5) Having crazy animal sex with Megan Fox, Scarlett Johansson and Cindy Crawford: There were two things good about Transformers 2. Robots thirty feet tall kicking ass and Megan Fox licking her lips and doing her best impression of C.J Parker running on the beach. Scarlett just does it for me. As for Cindy, Damn that sexy mole.

By the way: Has a mole ever made a woman more sexy? Is it even possible? When I see the moles on the faces of most "normal" women, I wonder how long before I say something stupid like "Holey Moley!" or "Moles Away". With Cindy, it's more like "Mole me baby! All night long!".   

4) Chilling with Didi in NYC and then getting drunk while celebrating Tutti Fruiti's Birthday: Tutti Fruiti doesn't read my blog, but here's a shout out to her, also the thought of free drink's since it's her Birthday is always nice. Oh and Didi cooks a mean lasagna.   

3) Chill with Mom in Dubai, and have MWA (Mangie Wants Ass) visit me in Dubai so he can buy me drinks: I'm cheap and broke. He's rich and generous. It's a good combination. Mom provides free housing. Did I ever mention I love my Mom? 

2) Chilling in my apartment with MWA, TL (Team Lead), Beige (pronounced like the colour) and Coffee, drinking tons of beer and having D&M (Deep and Meaningful - TPG's abbreviation) conversation: Nothing beats good friends, good booze and good conversation. 

and finally...

1) Getting drunk with TPG, having D&M conversation with her, which ends with my grabbing her ass (she hates that!) and her slapping me silly: What can I say, she doesn't even know it but she could have me wrapped around her finger.  

By the way a couple of really quick honorable mentions such as playing ball with Alinefx, MWA, and Beige, going to Burritoville will Coffee, getting drunk with my little sister and watching her make a fool of herself as she starts hitting on random men and driving my dad's Jeep down from Calcutta to Bombay. 

If you have any suggestions, let me know. I welcome new and different ideas.  

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

As drunk as a Homeless Man on New Years Eve.

So, after my last post I really didn't plan on posting for a while, but fate obviously had other plans.
 
I just went for a friends / boss's farewell party. Honestly, I had no intention of going, because I felt I had said my farewell 6 - 10 months ago.
 
Apparently, as I said fate - fate had other plans.
 
So there I was witnessing the tribute prepped for him, and the first thought that came to mind was "Wow! When I leave, this would never happen!". That thought hit me like a ten ton piano falling right on my head.
 
The truth is, I've known this for a while. The difference between myself and my colleagues is simple. It's not a question of intellect, management capabilities or business aptitude. It's a simple case of "wanting it more". I just don't want it. This is not what I see myself doing for the next five years. Unfortunately, while not an excuse. It does lead to indequacies.
I realised about two to three weeks ago, why I didn't want it, the answer was chillingly simple. I don't want it because I don't care.
 
I'm not saying I'm awesome at what I do, but I do think I'm pretty good and the only thing holding me back is me.
 
Who do you blame wheb you know that all your inadequacies are your fault. It doesn't matter it it"s a relationship, work, hygiene, or even running the U.S. Presedential Office, in the end the only one to blame is yourself.
 
Why haven't I set out to do more with my life? It boils down to deciding if you want to wake up one dat knowing that you tried and you just weren't as good as you thought? Or maybe you wake up knwoing you didn't even try?
 
In almost three years spent in India, I've accomplished nothing. It"s ironic people ask me why I came back and my answer is "I hated my job". Well, is today"s scenario any better?
I don't know, I get paid less to do more, while I'm still discontent doing it. The crazy part is, I know the people I report into actually read this blog and I don't eve care right now.
 
I just came from the farewell "party" of the person that introduced me to my present situation and two things dawned on me;
 
1) I still haven't quit and he just did. I'm not sure if this is an ego thing, or it its relation point #2.
 
2) He's actually doing what he always wanted to do, while I'm more lost about what I want to do than ever before.
 
I really wanted to stop writing these stupiid posts dealing with the brutal honesty of how I felt. I much rather post about "How women should dress on a first date!" Or "why is that girl engaged when she's got her arm around me?". Apparently, all I'm good at are these sappy posts, declaring the many inadequcies of my life. Mind you this isn't helping me get laid at all.
 
Stating "truths" that nobody else should care about and by the way if you do care? While I appreciate your concern, shouldn't you be more focused on your own life?
 
Amazingly enough, I'm not depressed or high volatile emotionally. I'm perfectly normal. I know what I need to do, the only question is "Am I capable of doing what needs to be done?".
 
Based on historical performance the answer is a resounding "No!", I'd like to believe that I still haven't lost the hope to change that to a more welcoming "Yes!".
 
It's 3 AM and all I feel like doing right now is going for a ride on beautiful Suzzanne. Damn the facr that I drank too much.
 
Definitely feel like a Homeless Man on New Years Eve.
 
By the way "Puke free since '09" just doesn't have the ring I want. Any suggestions?
 
P.S. This post was made using a BlackBeryy. Please excuse grammar, formating and spelling mistakes.

Posted via email from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

The Pact

I once made a pact with this incredible HCHHSSTT.  

Everybody makes pacts like the one we have, especially when you're younger. It's one of those "If we're both still single by the time we're 30, we'll get married" pacts.

Note: It's amazing how when you make these pacts, you never really believe it'll happen. I mean come on, what are the chances you're going to be single at 30!?! Obviously this changes the minute you get closer to 30, have been single for a while and have no chance in hell of dating a girl, let alone marry you in 4 years. Things sure change as you get older. 

Disclaimer: I'll admit that I've made this pact with a few women. Most of whom today I either don't speak to anymore or don't want to get married too.

However, there is one girl who she stands miles apart from them. 

She's not your usual HCHHSSTT. Sure, she's hot (definitely more attractive than any girl I've ever been with) and can pull of the whole High Heels, Short Skirts and Tight Top bit, but along with that she actually has a brain. She's interesting, talks just the right amount, knows how to hold her liquor (kinda negates my chances!), laughs at all my jokes and most importantly she is an avid reader of my blog. I think she might even be offended to be labeled an HCHHSSTT - Unfortunately, not every girl wants to be an HCHHSSTT!

By the way for all you guys (all women readers can just replace "girl" for "guy") out there, I have a couple of quick questions, When a girl calls you up:

1) In the middle of a meeting, would you walk out of the meeting even though you know your boss won't be overly impressed?

2) In the middle of a close friends surprise party, would you disappear for over an hour and miss out on the cake being cut right at 12 AM? (By the way, this isn't as easy to do as it sounds!)

Or

3) In the middle of an holiday with a group of 8 - 10 friends (all drunk) who want to head to the beach, would you try stalling them (and succeed!) for an hour or more?

What would you do? You know what's a really scary thought? I don't do this for my own family (sorry guys), but I did it for her.

Note: After every one of these calls, I went through the following emotions in this precise order: Elation followed by a dose of reality bringing about a nice bout of Depression. This is actually really good for healthy living at the very least it keeps you in touch with two of your most extreme emotions. 

You go through life, meeting a ton of people and there are a lot of times, when you think "This person is cute. I should try my luck". but there are only a couple of times, when you meet someone that makes you cry when they leave (It took me a long time to figure this one out by the way) and only one person for whom you'd call ten different friends in an attempt to get her number so you can drunk-dial her.  

So, I have this pact with her and the crazy part is I'm not even sure she remembers it. I don't think she does, and does it matter if she does or not? 

I put a lot of thought into this post, in fact I spent the last 24 hours thinking about what I'd write. I know if I had spent another 24 hours, I'd probably do a better job writing it, but would it be as honest and would it really make a difference? 

I've told her how I feel and she always counters by saying "It's in your head". I really don't have a come back to that.

So as I was thinking about what to write, (channeling my inner stalker style) I decided to check out some pics of her (gotta love Facebook) and I realized "Holy Shit! She's completely out of my league and I stand no chance!". Let me tell you, it's not a good feeling, Reality is a real pain in the ass.  

So what's the point of this post, Is it to tell her how I feel? Is it to tell you my avid readers how I feel? Is it to give my brother more ammunition to use against me in our never ending battle of nitwits? Is it to make my mom realise that her son is a hopeless basket case? Is it to make this girl realise I'm a pathetic, sentimental, wuss of a Manly Man? Is it an attempt to remind her of a pact made 10 years ago?

I really don't know.

While this post may pose more questions than answers, I guess what it really comes down to is sometimes you just gotta let it all out, so you can let it all go. No matter how nonsensical, irrational or hopeless you feel. 

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Job Well Done

Today a friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend, they'd been dating "on and off" (his words, not mine - I always believe it's either on or forever off, but that's just me) for about 5 years now. I just have to say I'm really proud of him. 

You see in this day and age, most people that are in relationships longer than a year or two, get married and then divorced in about 2 - 5 years. Now, this is may not be as true in the States as is it is in India (In the States, they don't get married, they just live together), but there is still some truth to it. 

All these people stay together for just one reason and that is they "Settle". Everybody in this day and age settles. I've seen it happen over and over again, people just settling.

I mean if this happened in times of War, the world would be a much better place. Unfortunately, it's never that simple. When it comes to war, we'll wage it until a whole bunch of people are dead. When it comes to Love, nope let's just settle for something that may or may not even be love, because that's the "smart" thing to do. Which is really ironic when you think about it. 

I'm off the opinion that people settle for primarily two reasons:  

1) They are scared of being alone

Note: Loneliness is a by product of being alone. I've had this argument and won. If you want to argue it further, please make sure you Define:Alone in Google search first, read all the definitions and then come back with your "rational" argument. 

2) The concept of "Divorce" has made it so that people feel they can just correct a "mistake". 

That's one hell of a mistake to fix champ! Assuming you live for 60 years, and you spent 8 years with someone, only to have it end in divorce because it was a bad idea (which you knew from the beginning, but ignored because you thought you would never find anybody better). You wasted just a little over 1/6th of your life away. Namely your prime, the peak years which you could've used finding the perfect person or sleeping with a bunch of HCHHSSTT's. Both of which by the way, would you leave you happier than you are right now. 

So I'm happy because he didn't settle. He definitely had the opportunity too. I've met his ex-girlfriend and she's actually kind of nice and attractive too. Unfortunately, for him (or her) they just didn't click sexually.

Note: Yes, sex is a big part of any relationship. I mean come on, I'm not afraid to say that a large reason I would get into a relationship with a girl is the fact that I'd get unconditional sex at least once a week (That's the bare minimum as far as I'm concerned). If a guy (or a girl) is not getting that, you know they're going to cheat on you. This is the reason most Indian Husbands are such adulterers, their wives refuse to give them enough nookie and when they do give it up, it's bland and boring. 

So anyway, like I said he could've settled. Now, you know why I'm happy my friend broke up. As for why I'm proud?

Well, it's because he could've done something a lot of guys do and that is string her along until he found somebody he felt was better. I know he liked the fact that he had somebody to talk to all the time. Somebody that made him feel special and when you spend as much as 5 years with a girl, it's not easy letting go.

In fact, imagine letting go and knowing that while there are possibilities you could meet someone more your match, the chances of that happening are at best 50 - 50. It takes a lot of cajones to do something like that (It takes even more when you know, you aren't going to get any sex for a while - I don't think he realises that right now and I'm not about to tell him). 

I know so many people that stay in unhappy relationship's because they can't be alone. I've met guys (and girls) that cheat incessantly on their significant others, all because they are unhappy at the thought of being "stuck" with them. Some guys do worse, they emotionally abandon their girlfriends but refuse to break up with them or let them out of their lives because they like having them around, pretty much like a favourite chair. 

Now, I know you guys think I'm being my usual "over reactionary" self. I probably am, I probably am applauding something most people won't agree with. But you know what? I'm fine with that. 

When you grow up in a family littered with divorce, and you know your mother is single because she got married for the wrong reasons and is suffering because the guy who married her was too scared to make the right decision for the both of them. You'll learn that maybe, it's better to be alone than to spend the next 3 - 5 years in a relationship that leaves both people worse off than when they got into it. 

So, to my friend I raise my bottle of beer and say "Job Well Done". 

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

What did you do?

I've been wanting to post for a while now, but haven't been sure what I should post.

I know some people may have been expecting a "tribute post" to Michael Jackson. The reason I haven't done that is because everybody seem's to be doing it. Don't get me wrong, I always thought Michael's music was really good.

How do you know when a person is a great entertainer / musician? Well there are two fool proof ways to tell: 

1) When people start fainting at his / her concerts. Has this even happened since Michael? I don't really see people fainting when Beyonce, Fergie, Usher or Timberlake perform.

If Michael Jordan was the "His Airness". What does that make Michael Jackson? His "Moonness" or maybe "The Moonwalker". I can't think of anything creative here, but we definitely need an apt title. 

2) When you can take an album and listen to every track on it and say "Wow, Let's play the whole thing again!". I don't think I've ever done that, except with his albums. More often than not, I always skip to my favourite tracks leaving out the stuff in between that I don't like. Interestingly enough, will we ever see another Michael Jackson? Weirdness and all? I doubt it, but you can never say never. 

Having said that, I always felt sorry for him and his fall from grace. Here was a guy that literally had the world in the palm of his hand and Wham! It wasn't there any more. Did I believe the child molestation charges? Nope, not really. We all know that people will say and do some really nasty things for a little bit of cash (You know who you are! And you're going to hell!).

I like to believe that he really just wanted to be a kid again and hanging out with other kids in his mind was the perfect solution. Was it a smart thing to do? Of course not. Did somebody try and stop him? I doubt it. He did it though, and he was chased out of his country for it. Amazingly enough, the same people that condemned him are singing his praises today. Talk about hypocritical.  

What is really sad is that people have completely forgotten another icon that passed away; Farrah Fawcett. She may not have been as popular as Michael was worldwide, but lets not forget she was the original Charlie's Angel. Before Baywatch, there was Farrah, and lets face it Michael never looked as good especially not on a pin up poster. 

By the way, when you loose two cultural icons on the same day and they were a distinct part of your childhood, it makes you realise, just how old you are.

In other news, my little sister got into St. Stephens, it's supposed to be the best school for the course she wants to do. This is good and bad:

The Good:

It gets her out of Calcutta. For all it's charm, I've found people that stay in Calcutta seem to be stuck in some kinda time warp. They don't seem to have moved past the 70s? or 80s? I'm not sure which decade, but still. I do know I'm too scared to go there and find out. Also, I've always believed (and have told her this with a lot of love and understanding) she is spoilt and overly protected. This should hopefully change (for the better) by leaving Calcutta. I say hopefully, because as always, we have the bad.  

The Bad:

She's going to Delhi. This is the part where I would scream, rant and rave. Delhi - The land where women go to become brainless airheaded bimbos. Don't get me wrong. I love Brainless Airheaded Bimbos! They are awesome. I just don't want my little sister becoming one! Y'arrgghh Delhi. (Please excuse me while I go break something and find a release for my perfectly rational emotional outrage). 

Then again, it is St. Stephens and it is supposed to be the best school for the course she's going to be doing. She's also really happy about it. (I have to keep saying this to myself to stop from continuously going into a violent outrage)

Did I mention it's in Delhi?

and finally,

The Kitchen Sink:

I can no longer say with pride and joy "Puke free since '03". For all you young' uns out there, stay away from Absynthe. There is no green fairy. Just the devil waiting to get you and take away the simplest of joys away from you like being able to say "Puke free since '03!". Let's face it "Puke free since '09" just doesn't sound as good. I have to admit, I spent more time mourning this than is I should have, but I am still pretty depressed about it. Nothing good comes of drinking Absynthe. 

It may have partially been my fault, since I "shotted" a glass of Absynthe, followed it up with three quick Rum n Cokes, and then one more glass of Absynthe and three more Rum n Cokes. I also know, I will be getting a call from my mother after she reads this saying "You are drinking too much! Are you sure you are not an alcoholic? Are you depressed?".

I should be happy I didn't try drunk dialling anybody. Definitely a saving grace. 

So, what did you do the weekend two icons passed away? 

 

 

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Unhappy puppy being harassed by three women.

So, that would be a picture of Sasha. I have no clue who the three women are. I think they were the three witches of ISM (Indian School Muscat) or some such thing.

While I generally don't post pictures, videos or music, I couldn't resist uploading this (Also, I have to admit Posterous.com makes it very easy to do - Shameless Posterous plug) since Sasha has been the only dog I've ever had. I think this picture pretty much explains why I felt such a deep connection with her.

Aside from the fact that we are both lazy, intelligent, and good looking. We both didn't like being handled by the witches of ISM. Now, I'm pretty sure some of them are friends of my brothers, but if you can't make fun of them than who can you?

By the way, I have three very vivid memories of Sasha:

3) The day she died - Yep, I was there and it wasn't pleasant and I'll never forgive a certain somebody for the way she died. She died of an heart attack and it really wasn't pretty. I'm sorry this is so morbid, but It's something that sticks with you for a long time if not forever. I'll even admit to tearing up at times when thinking about it.

2) The day she ran away - This was when I was pretty young, around 7 and my mother and brother tricked me into taking Sasha for morning walks. They said it was temporary, and then gave me a speech about responsibility, etc. When I complained about having to take her for walks in the morning (this was because neither of them could wake up early enough to take her out, so I was volunteered - Pure Evil!). So anyway, there I was walking her and she runs away into the elevator and the door closes before I can get to it. I of course freak out and wonder where she went. Apparently, she was done and couldn't wait to get back into the house.

1) The day she entered my life - I'm back from school (I was about 5 or 6) and I see my mom holding this puppy, completely jet black and furry. I'm all excited, and we run into the house and Wham! She enters the house, makes a bee-line for the rug right in the middle of the living room and decides to take a pee. Even I couldn't have done a better job! Right then I knew she was a special person and would fit right in.

I'm not sure how to end this post, so I'm not going to try anything special. I'm just going to say that I don't know if all dogs go to heaven, but if they didn't let Sasha in... Well, then they have absolutely no taste up there.

Oh isn't it funny that the only memories I have of being seven are of her and of calling my brother "a bastard". Good times.

Posted via email from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

zaevdutt.com

So first of, before we go any further I have some good news for all my ardent readers. I have finally "invested" (FREE!!) in a domain name and have decided to move my blog to Posterous.com temporarily. I actually envision building a complete website over time and will start sometime next month.

That is neither here nor there. What is here, is that now instead of typing zaevdutt.blogspot.com in your browser, you can type zaevdutt.com. See, I just saved you guys the time it takes to type out eight alphabets and if you are anything as slow as BWSP, well then I know I did you a big favour.

So moving ahead, I was asked a very interesting question by someone earlier this evening. Let's name her FPLFWA (Female Partner in a Law Firm With Ass), I have to take this moment to admit that even I find the name a little long winded and am not completely convinced she has an Ass worthy of the name, but I just couldn't think of anything more appropriate that was shorter.

Anyway, FPLFWA asked me earlier this evening "What keeps you going in life?"

Well, I have to be honest I couldn't answer her. Now before you panic, I'm not suicidal, it's just that there are a lot of things in life that keep me going. I also have to take this time to note that I hate posts that are preachy, long winded and use the world "clichéd" and this one may turn out a little preachy and clichéd. That's my disclaimer right there.

So, if I had to narrow it down to a list of 8 things that keep me going, they'd have to be as follows (Countdown time - I'm loving this!):

8) My bike - Lame? Stupid? Clichéd? Predictable? Unimaginatory? Yep, all that and a bag of chips baby!

7) The New York Knicks - I want to live to see them win a championship in my life time. Unfortunately, at the rate I'm going what with the abundance of cholestrol and lack of exercise in my life, there is a high likelihood that this won't happen. However in the words of Tupac "We gotta make a change!"

6) Owning a beach house / a Villa on some desolate "green" island with a fair amount of rain and writing a book in said beach house / Villa - While, this isn't something I've been thinking about since I was 8 years old, it is something I would like to try and get done. Two things that helped inspire me:

a) Watching "Love Actually" where Colin Firth writes a book in his Villa by the lake and at the same time manages to hook up with a really attractive Portuguese Housekeeper. Yes, I liked the movie and I'm Manly Man enough to admit to it.

b) Going to a villa in Lonavala this past weekend, surrounded by tree's, pouring rain, fog rolling by on top of rooftops, lightning and thunder (which actually made me scream like anything but a Manly Man) all this added up to a very profound moment where I realised I wanted to write a book. Now to get over my fear of Dacoits.

5) Hooking up with a Latina HCHHSSTT, a red-headed HCHHSSTT and a blonde HCHHSSTT (preferably all at the same time) - Now, while I may not have the sexual competence to actually do all of the above three at the same time. I'm pretty sure I could handle them individually.

Again, I know how clichéd all this sounds but have you ever been with an HCHHSSTT, while she screamed out "OH! PAPI!" with a very sultry Latina accent. I know, I'm completely objectifying women right now, while doing a phenomenal job stereotyping the Latino people. I only hope Jesus (pronounced: Hesus) will find it in his heart to forgive me for this. What can I say, this is what I live for.

4) World War III - Now, while this may be the death of me. I think I deserve to be alive to see it start and then point a finger at everybody responsible, all the while saying "I told you so" while never really doing anything to help prevent it. I also figure, it may be the only opportunity I will ever get to fly a plane without a license and channel my inner Biggles!

3) Watch MWA (Mangie Wants Ass) and my brother getting married - At their respective weddings, I plan on making out with as many bridesmaids possible, while relishing the fact that I am single and for once in my life going to get more action than them.

It's never great for your ego when your best friend is MWA and you have an older brother like mine who managed to do everything before me and better than me.

2) Mom and Didi - Yep, parental pride. Be all that you can be. Etc, etc. Well truth be told, a lot of what I do is because of them. They keep me going. After all, my Mom forced me to keep writing, my Didi kept feeding me (explains a lot right?), together they are "Team Supreme". I figure the least I can do to pay them back is:

a) Outlive them - I know nobody likes burrying their parents, but I also know my Mom and Didi would hate to bury me first. This post is turning out to be cliched and morose.

b) Give them Grand Kids - While this competely goes against point #3, I still have to put it down here. They deserve grand kids they can spoil, even if that means I won't have crazy animal sex at MWA's and my brothers weddings.

and finally...

1) I refuse to end my life as a failure - Nuff said.

Posted via web from Zaev's Hole in the Wall

Honestly?

I wonder if we'll ever get to a day where we can just say what we want and be honest about who we are? Seriously, don't any of you ever get tired of always portraying an image which isn't entirely you?

Sure, we all have a little bit of crazy in us and sometimes exposing people to that craziness all at once can be a little much. Ideally the craziness needs to be doled out little by little, I get that.

However, that doesn't happen and instead we create an image completely different from who we are and it becomes such an effort to keep it going. Eventually, we just isolate ourselves from people because let's face it the image is too much effort and its easier to just not meet people. This is a shame, because I'm sure that if most of us were just ourselves, we would be a lot happier.

I've decided to shatter whatever image people may have of me by writing down ten truth's about me. I just hope, somewhere it makes all of you my avid readers realise that while people can't handle the truth, it would probably make you happier.

Note: This is going to be a countdown by the way, and the order is organised by importance (from lower importance to higher importance):

10) I'm a selfish person - Sure, I care very much about my friends and my family. However, I am selfish and always end up doing what I feel is best for me. Unfortunately, in the end it doesn't always turn out to be best for me. For the record my most selfish act was leaving New York to come to Bombay to "finally do something I wanted to do". Man, did the man above really get me on that one. He's got a wicked sense of irony.

9) Hopeless Romantic - Nuff said.

8) I cannot have sex without foreplay - Yep, I can't do a Wham! Bam! Thank You Ma'am! I'm the kind of guy that needs to have a build up. Like any good high rise, if the foundation isn't strong, it just will not rise. If this is too much information for you, you may want to stop reading.

7) I'm addicted to porn - Yeah, hate to say this but I think I'm addicted to porn. However, in my defense I'd say that at least 50% of the world's population is addicted to porn. Also, imagine all the knowledge I have stored! (Sigh, OK this one is bad and I know it)

6) I have no idea what I want to do for a living - This is not so much a secret, but still it needed to be written. Sure, I'd love to play in the NBA but I don't think they are looking for a guy with limited vision, average to bad ball handling skills, shot challenged, vertically and athletically inferior. Stand up comedian would be good as well, except I don't think my ego could take the constant booing.

5) I'm a "Mamma's / Didi's" Boy - Yep, I am. If I ever meet a girl that my Mom or Didi don't approve off. I'm not sure what I'd do. Also, I would want to end up living next to them in the future. Of course this is because I can then go over and grab dinner and supplies for my own house whenever I need. Also, if I ever have kid's I'll have two awesome baby sitters and it'll be free. Think of the savings! (I've already admitted to being cheap in a previous post!).

4) Completely inept at dating - I'm never sure if a girl likes me, can never tell. Don't know how to tell them either. A lot of time's I end up like Godzilla just breaking down building after building and hoping to hell that it pays off. Have I ever mentioned the times when I was pining after a girl who was engaged or that time I kept messaging this girl thinking she may like me, only to realise that I was being delusional. I'm so awkward with women now, that I'm never sure when a hug is a just a hug and when a kiss is just a kiss and not more.

3) Fear of Divorce - So, my family is rampant with divorce. My mother and my father's side. In fact I could probably write a book about it and it would be a best seller. The fact is though, that isn't good for a kid.

I know a couple of girls that are reasonably close to me and well their parents got divorced and now they just abhor the thought of marriage cause they believe it will happen to them. The sad part is both of them are great girls, that any guy would be crazy to run out on.

Well I'd like to tell them what I tell myself - "I am not my mother or my father. I may have their genes, but I am not them - and I will learn from their mistakes and mine"

Besides, I'm definitely using this fear to make sure I don't end up settling for the first girl that dates me for more than 1 month. Hopefully, this results in me getting married to an HCHHSSTT! (I'm trying to think positively. Work with me now!)

2) I suffer from an inferiority complex - Wow. This one is hard to discuss. Oh well, so I do suffer from a weight problem. Don't get me wrong, I love being large. Nobody ever messes with the big white guy with a scowl on his face (except for the big black guy with a scowl on his face - this may sound racist, but unfortunately it's true). But let's be honest in this world today, women seem to love the six pack over the keg. Oh well! That may play a small part in it. The rest would have to be with the fact that I constantly seem to fail to get to where I want to be in life.

A large reason I portray myself as arrogant, unapproachable and uncaring is because I don't want people to see a chink in the armor. It also doesn't help that I've had two of my girlfriends cheat on me. On the flip side, I've also hooked up with women that have had boyfriends of their own. I'm not proud of it! But hey, I need something to make me feel better right now. This ain't easy!

I guess my attempt at humor is another self defense mechanism - Like Chandler (Yes, I just used a Friends reference. Sue me!) I use humor as a defense mechanism, especially when nervous. Trust me, the first time I had sex is the biggest example of my inferiority complex and my goddamn defense mechanism kicking in.

and Finally...

1) I don't want to be alone - This is the biggest one. I don't want to live and die alone. That would be the worst thing ever.

I gave you the truth, can you handle it?

Seven Years Later

A lot can happen in seven years. I decided to take a minute to reflect on everything that's happened to me in the last seven years.

One of the things I did was go from living in the Greatest City in the World to a city which may not be the best but is still in the top ten. Seven years ago, I was 19 years old and a freshman in college. In my mind, the world was my oyster. There I was poised to do what I had always dreamt off. Sure, things didn't go exactly as planned but that was fine.

I had all my plans ready, starting with a degree in Finance and Investments, followed by Law School and an MBA. Along the way, I'd meet the perfect girl, move in with her and make enough money to take care of my Mom, Didi and my brother (and give him shit for it!). Like I said, I was 19! I may not have been the legal age for drinking, but at least I could go to a strip club.

Fast forward today, seven years later and all I have is my degree in Finance and Investments which I have never put to use. Never went to law school, forget about finding the perfect girl and take care of my Mom, Didi and brother? Hah! I can barely look after myself. Did I mention I'm no longer 19?

Now why did I just give you a brief history lesson on my life?

Well, imagine seven years ago you are a 23 year old, you've just accomplished the rare feat of completing back to back to back championships. You're already being touted as the second most dominant player in the NBA. The most dominant player was on the same team as you. Life is good, you have a wife who is drop dead gorgeous and nothing can stop you from becoming the best basketball player in the world in a few years. Well nothing except you.

Now fast forward five years, you haven't won another championship. You committed adultery, you were accused and acquitted of sexually harassing a hotel employee. People hold you responsible for breaking up a team that could have been the most dominant team of the decade and just as easily have gone down in history as one of the best teams ever! Ranking among the greatness of Jordan's Bulls and Russell's Celtics. You became the best player ever in the NBA but it didn't matter you were stuck on a team that missed the playoffs and when you did make the playoffs you couldn't get past the first round. Life isn't looking good.

So you do what you know best, which is throw a tantrum and demand to be traded to another team. When your Boss obliges with a potential trade, you block it only because you realise the team you would join will end up being worse off. You have literally hit rock bottom. Forget about beating Michael Jordan's six championships. You just want to make the playoff finals!

Suddenly things change start changing in the next two years.

You are asked to be a part of the Team USA Basketball and take them from the dumps to Olympic Gold (and you do, you win gold), your team gets lucky and lands an All Star forward named Pau Gasol and another forward called (Trevor Ariza) who does a lot of the nitty gritty things you need to win a championship.

It's been six years and you are now 29. You have a team capable of winning the NBA Championship, you are finally emerging as the leader everybody hoped you would be, the coach who helped you win your first three championships and called you "Uncoachable" is back and now calling you the next best thing since MJ.

You finally reach the NBA Finals, except you lose to a team with more talent and hunger. You walk off the court with your shoulders slumped, another year and no championship. The next time you promise things will be different.

You and your team mates spend the Off season and next year busting your butt, you refuse to lose. You play hard 24/7 which is something nobody can ever take away from you and will become part of your legacy. You went months without breaking a smile and everybody kept saying it you were really focussed. People kept asking if you were bothered by the fact that you couldn't win another championship without a certain game changing center called Shaq. You scowl and say that is not what you focus on. Though you know it's a lie.

You get a few lucky breaks along the way like your rivals losing key players to injuries, a couple of foul calls and some clutch shooting from your teammates. Along the way, you also realise that it's not about you. There is more at stake than just your fourth championship. You realise, that every individual in your team has something at stake. So, you decide to share.

Guess what? It's been Seven years. Your coach Phil Jackson won his record breaking 10th Championship, your teammates were all vindicated. Lamar Odom proving he can keep his head in the game while the game is on the line, Pau Gasol proving he is one of the most skilled and toughest forwards in the league after being labelled soft, Derek Fisher whose daughter is suffering from a rare eye cancer came back and won again, Trevor Ariza goes from being a journey man player to a player who is a starting forward about to get a very big contract.

What about you? You just won your fourth championship, won your first NBA Finals MVP and you are now going down in history as a top three player. Congratulations to you.

Oh wait? You aren't Kobe Bryant. My bad.

Who wins??

I've been trying to follow the NBA playoffs as much as possible over the last month or so. Back in NYC (New York City - Duh! What did you expect??), I would follow it on TNT or ABC. The NBA, its FANtastic!

However, in India life isn't so easy. Aside from the fact that there is a massive time difference. Have you tried going to sleep at 4 am, waking up at 7 am, watching the game till 9:30 am and then heading to work for a 12 hour day? Let me tell you, it is not pretty. Let's just say my head has a bunch of bruises and my table has more than a few chipped corners.

Then you always have the possibility that the cable operator may switch channels on you and pull out ESPN and replace it with another shitty channel. Trust me, this has happened on more than one occasion. Have you ever woken up at 7 am after a late night and found out you woke up for absolutely no reason? I wanted to call my cable operator and leave him with death threats.

By the way only in India do you have a system where you can't choose your channels and your local cable operator totally screws you over by playing whatever they want, whenever they want. We're almost a developed country, yet we suffer from bad cable (Internet + TV) service. It's a sham!

However, through it all, I've persevered and I've been rewarded with a fairly competitive NBA Finals.

First of all let me make it very clear, I am a New York Knicks fan through and through (when they aren't losing and when Isiah Thomas isn't in charge!). Second, I've been a Kobe Bryant supporter since 1997 when he won the Slam Dunk Contest. You also have to realise, before this the only players I'd ever heard off were Jordan and Pippen. Oman (Tiny little oil rich country in the Middle East - my brother called it the Devil's armpit.) was probably worse than India when it came to following the NBA especially in the days before the net came into play.

So here we are, in the playoffs and it's Lakers Vs Magic. Interestingly both these two teams have had their fates intertwined. Sure, its been rehashed over and over but still I'll rehash it once again for your reading pleasure.

The Magic were the team to draft Shaq and then they made the NBA Finals in 1995 only to lose to the Rockets, the next year they made NBA Conference Finals where Jordan sent them fishing. After that they lost Shaq to the Laker's in the offseason and got nothing in return. This was followed up by years of losing for the Magic and 3 Championships for the Lakers.

It's almost like guy meets HCHHSSTT, HCHHSSTT takes guy to the top and then dumps him for another guy. Now the new guy is the "Man" and the first guy is homeless. That is until he meets a new HCHHSSTT with potential to be better than the first girl and now he's the "Man". This by the way happened to the Magic when they drafted Dwight Howard.

So now, you have two teams; the Laker's going up against the Magic. Kobe want's his fourth and most important ring. If he win's this, he can finally say he did it without "Shaq" and he goes down in history as the third greatest guard ever. First two being Michael Jordan and Magic Johnson. (This is of course until Lebron signs with the Knicks and win's them 8 - 10 Championship rings, don't think it's going to happen? Oh! It's going to happen!).

So back to the Finals, Laker's take game 1 with a come from behind victory. Kobe channels his nickname and becomes the Black Mamba completely killing the Magic defense. The Magic appear just happy to be in the Finals. Don't forget Kobe hasn't smiled in weeks. He's not starting now! He wants his fourth ring.

On a side note: If you ever get time, go to YouTube and check out the funny Nike MVP - Most Valuable Puppets commercials. There is a reason they sell as many shoes as they do. It's a shame they didn't make one with Dwight Howard and Kobe. Here's a link: http://tinyurl.com/1w83b7

Game 2 is a Laker's win again, barely. Pau Gasol helps bail Kobe out after he misses a clutch shot and blows a defensive cover. Still they win. Did I mention Kobe wants his fourth ring? He hasn't smiled in weeks!

Game 3 is a Magic win. This had to happen since they had home court advantage. Having said that Kobe fails in the clutch again. Amazingly enough he had 21 points in the first half on 8 - 11 shooting. If you don't know what that is, let me tell you it's great. Of course, he then goes and completely ruins it in the second half and fails in the clutch. He has the ball stolen from him, he misses a bunch of shots, fails to pass the ball to the open man and is full of fail. As Anne Robinson would say "You are the Weakest Link. Goodbye." I want to bring up the fact that he hasn't smiled in weeks? Man, he really wants that fourth ring!

Game 4 is a Laker's win. This is because Derek Fisher an old Laker holdover from their first three championship days hits the game tying 3 pointer with 4 secs left and then scores another go ahead 3 pointer in overtime to win. Kobe by the way scores 32 points, only problem is it took him 31 shots to get there.

Now, my problem isn't that the Lakers will win. Nope, I'm happy they'll win. I want Kobe to win his fourth championship ring and I want him to smile. Let's face it a sad Kobe isn't good for the NBA or for his endorsements.

My problem is the fact, that he probably will win the NBA Finals MVP, and I hate to say it but I don't think he's deserving. Sure, at a glance his stats look great. The fact however remains that the real reason the Magic are still in the hunt is because each game has been very close and Kobe (who is generally considered to be the best closer in the NBA right now) just hasn't been able to close them out. Now, I'm the first guy to tell you the biggest difference between Jordan and Kobe is that Jordan learnt to trust his teammates. Something Kobe still seems hesitant to do and considering the teammates he has, it's a shame.

Right now, I'd say Kobe is like your average guy trying to score with a really hot HCHHSSTT. He starts off really well, say's the right things and generally doing the right thing. Then the minute things get the slightest bit shaky, he goes off into "I'm Da Man" mode and totally ruins it for himself. If he just learnt to trust his wing man and allow the game to come to him, instead of forcing it. He would be unstoppable.

So, here you have it. The Lakers will win in 5. Kobe will be named NBA Finals MVP. Will he deserve it? Probably more so for the other years that he didn't get it. Will he learn to share the ball? I hope so, because if he doesn't he isn't winning another one again.

To Do or Not To DooDoo

So, most of you will be quick to judge this post as a lousy attempt of humor. But it's not. You see what I'm about to discuss is off immense importance to me.

That's right we're about to discuss what we're allowed to do in a bathroom. Sure, this subject has been hashed and rehashed over and over and you are probably asking what's left to discuss? Well, just recently I had a conversation with a few people and all of them seemed to have the most skewed perspective on this topic.

First of all let's start with the simplest one. Taking a piss.

Now, this is easy because the basics are easy:

1) When you feel the need to urinate in someones house make sure you don't miss.

2) When in a public restroom you need to try and leave one urinal space between each person. The people that fail to follow through with this one need to be hit with a baseball bat.

3) Finally, always without fail make sure you wash your hands. If you fail to do this, you are going to hell. If you really think God let's people who don't wash their hands after taking a pee into Heaven, you are kidding yourself!

Now, we come to the the center of my weekend conversation which is taking a dump and what you are allowed to do when you are busy dropping the kids off at the pool.

The way I see it, I think most people have very negative images and attitudes with regard to taking a deuce. In my opinion, I think dropping it like it's hot is one of the most natural and relieving things to do.

I spend a minimum of 5 minutes everyday on the pot and the way I see it, I need ways to entertain myself when on there. It could be a comic: nothing beats reading about the Justice League saving the world when you let it all out. Sometimes, its a Magazine: Maxim has great tips on how to make a Porch for the house I may one day own. Then you always have Novels: I still remember the morning I read that Harry Potter lives was exceptionally relieving. I think it may also have had something to do with the food I had the night before. Definitely something about spicy Indian food that turns your bowel inside out.

However, I digress. Nowadays I don't really have anything to read when on the pot so I've taken to bringing my phone into the loo. Sure, all you people are probably groaning away at the thought of it. You know what? I bet all of you have your own "dirty" secrets as well. I just happen to have the guts to write it down for posterity in a public forum.

Let's face it, the 5 - 10 minutes I spend on my throne everyday is really great for taking care of work. I send off emails, I check Facebook updates, I would also be checking my Twitter updates except the app on my phone isn't working. I even check up on sick friends like Wishy Washy (Who doesn't even appreciate my concern!). I play games and in the last week have doubled my High Score in Brick Breaker! I get too check my brothers location every morning on Google Maps, which is my way of making sure he's alive. Finally, just this morning I carried out a conversation with my sister about her love life on MSN while doing the deed.

You know what? I love taking my phone with me when I go potty! I'm not ashamed to admit it. I also feel, people need to get off their high horses and admit that it's great idea.

And by the way, I've never understood the whole "Oh you took the book / phone to the bathroom! Disgusting!". Hey guess what? All the while I'm handling items on my commode, my hands are clean! And last I checked, taking a shit doesn't release airborne germs into the air that magically attach themselves to the surface of books or cellphones.

So, I repeat do yourself a favor, get off your high horses and start enjoying the time spent while attaining nirvana.

Cast thy Judgement!

Isn't it funny how we all have preconceived notion's of what people are like? I'll be honest, I'm all about judging the people I see in front of me. It definitely has a fun factor to it.

I mean come on, you enter a bar and you see the skinny chicks that are either anorexic or too young to be in a bar. Let's not forget the big muscle bound dude's who probably nothing but air in between their ears and nothing else. Then there is always, the skinny dude with the spiked hair who has no clue. Or how about the dude in the really loud t-shirt who either has an over bearing mother or an over bearing girlfriend who is an imitation of his mother (guess who bought the shirt?) and finally the HCHHSSTT standing in the corner who is really just a frigid bitch.

I get it, I make judgements all the time, so does everybody around me.

In fact, I was out earlier tonight with FLBN (Female Lawyer with a Big Nose) and a couple of her colleagues. Interestingly enough, one of her colleagues labelled me as a guy that was into women that were basically helpless and constantly needed reassuring, along with a host of other issues they may have. She also claimed I couldn't drink to save my life and basically I was a first rate loser. OK, honestly she didn't call me a loser but I know she was thinking it.

I obviously object to all these points. First of all I am not a loser! I just choose to under perform. Secondly, I refuse to be told by a girl that gets buzzed on two Long Island Ice Tea's that I can't drink, especially when I was four Rum N Coke's down along with a beer in the span of an hour and sober as a whistle (Something that I'm ashamedly proud off).

Finally, I will admit I do like women that are a little needy, that do require a little reassuring and that once in a while just want to be held. Yes, I'm a sucker for this stuff.

Why you ask do I want a woman with the above character traits (or character flaws depending on how you look at it)? Well it's simple, I like to know that the girl I date needs me. I refuse to date a woman that thinks they can do everything all on their own.

Why? Because nobody can do everything on their own. These women actually end up being more trouble than they are worth.

People fail to realise, I was brought up by a single MOM and guess what even she had help. The help came in the form of my Didi. Oh, and let me tell you they don't make them as intelligent, mature, strong willed and as independent as my MOM (or Didi for that matter). Let's put it in perspective: My MOM was a single mother of two children during the eighties while living in India. Halleluja!

However, the fact remains that everybody needs help. What truly makes an individual special is when they are willing to admit that they can't do everything on their own, instead reaching out and accepting the helping hand being offered.

Whether in love, sports, war or business, it is what separates the winners from the losers. You don't believe me, just ask Kobe.

So, do everybody a favour stop being quick to judge. Oh and I know how cliched this is, but believe it or not, this isn't a public service message.

Fact is, you'd be amazed at what you are missing out on just because you choose to be quick to pull the trigger and judge someone. Take it from me, I know first hand.

Eulogy of Sorts

Isn't it funny how life always throws you a curve ball? Especially when you least expect it.

There you are chugging along amicably, and Wham! you aren't chugging along anymore. Sometimes it's the smallest things that can derail your "Oh So Perfect Life" and sometimes, it takes a lot more.

Today, I found out an avid reader of my blog "Whitey" was hit with a pretty mean curve ball. Now Whitey and I aren't best friends, but I'd like to think of us as kindred spirits of sorts. After all how many other people do you know admit to eating Bacon Sandwiches, while watching episodes of South Park? Did I mention he's an avid reader?

Whitey was a good man (or so he liked to believe), he organized many events to help build camaraderie, he had an HCHHSSTT for a girlfriend and as far as nerds go, he was as nerdy as they come without being a complete loser. Did I mention he's an avid reader?

So, I raise my bottle of beer and to you Whitey I toast:

"Things happen for a reason, when things look bleakest remember that it can and probably will get worse. When it does get worse, just remember you have an HCHHSSTT for a girlfriend. If things get really bleak and you lose the HCHHSSTT, just remember there are some very high bridges in different cities the world over and nobody will hold a grudge against you if you decide to jump off one.

However, once you finally see the small ray of light in these moments of darkness, when you finally learn to accept that you probably have absolutely no control over your life and wake up to the realisation that God is more than likely a mean kid out to mess with your head. When and only when you embrace this, I'm sure it will help add a little color to the monochrome palate in front of you, that you call life.

After all, you just spent a year and half in India and didn't get food poisoning even once. It doesn't get better than that.

This one is for Whitey!".

Did I mention, he's an avid reader?

Stache Attack

First off, there is definitely something to be said about posting at 2:30 AM after an evening of drinking. Regardless of what people say, I would like to believe some of my best work is done in situations such as this. Sure, there may be tons of typo's (spell check is godly!) and sure the post may be nonsensical but I'd like to believe that they make enough sense to be relevant.

So, this was a pretty interesting weekend for me all things considered.

It started with a passport verification check on Friday where I found out that most passports have a 50% chance of being approved when you have a rental address as the permanent address. I guess us Indians have come so far that regardless of whom you are, you are expected to own property. That's a shame for people like me, but hey "Go Indians???"

However, I did notice something very interesting when I went for passport verification. Apparently, there is a rule somewhere that states everybody who enrolls in the Indian Police Corp (I'm guessing that's what they call them) have to grow mustaches.

You think I'm kidding right now? Wrong! Every cop that I saw had a mustache. Sure some were big, some small, some thin, some thick, there was the Hitler and there there was Freddy Mercury. There was red (Yes, Indian men love coloring their hair), there was brown and there was black. Some of them would've given Tom Selleck a run for his money. Only thing missing was a blonde mustache. In fact, I believe that to be accepted into the Indian Police Corps, you would have to grow a mustache. It doesn't matter if it's pencil thin and looks like pubic hair, they'd let you in.

I hope by blogging about this, I don't jinx my passport approval.

So, this was followed by Friday night session where I hung out with two friends and we discussed assorted topics from HCHHSSTT's to more mundane topics such as work.

Saturday was really no different, I had my boy TL (Team Lead - apparently he is never getting promoted) come over and we discussed assorted women and their zaniness and drank an afternoon beer or two. Seriously, there is something to be said about afternoon beer, there is absolutely nothing like it on a warm weekend day. It up lift's your spirits in so many ways.

Finally, we come to tonight. Tonight is Sunday and I just got back from Wishy Washy's birthday celebration. Let me tell you, Wishy Washy went all out. He went as far as to have Black Label out for everybody to drink. I had Rum N Coke. Something about RnC. It's old school, it's a kids drink, but it's ohh so sweet (I'm also hoping less calories than beer, though I'm pretty sure the coke is negating that).

It was a fairly enjoyable evening, I met some old friends, whom I spent the evening torturing and who tortured me. What is it about Girl on Girl action that gets all men excited? It doesn't even have to happen, just the possibility is enough to make us blush. I don't get it, but I will admit I am a sucker for it. I would like to think I made a new "friend" and for once I was decently attired so I think I may have made a positive impact. However, I distinctly remember asking her if she was "Bi-sexual". Sigh, this is becoming a trend of sorts.

I finally had to leave, because NCB (Ninja Cock Blocker) was passed out, and Wishy Washy's parents were on their way back. I will never understand why people insist on getting to know Puff the Magic Dragon, especially when Puff insists on making them pay the price.

Let me tell you, dragging someone home who has been burnt by Puff is absolutely no fun.

All in all, I'd say it was a good weekend. On another positive note, I may just get passes to go to a fashion meet soon.

Why do I like fashion you ask? I don't. I just love the thought of HCHHSSTT's dressing up in different attire. Yes, I'm a pervert.

Like you didn't know already?