As drunk as a Homeless Man on New Years Eve.

So, after my last post I really didn't plan on posting for a while, but fate obviously had other plans.
 
I just went for a friends / boss's farewell party. Honestly, I had no intention of going, because I felt I had said my farewell 6 - 10 months ago.
 
Apparently, as I said fate - fate had other plans.
 
So there I was witnessing the tribute prepped for him, and the first thought that came to mind was "Wow! When I leave, this would never happen!". That thought hit me like a ten ton piano falling right on my head.
 
The truth is, I've known this for a while. The difference between myself and my colleagues is simple. It's not a question of intellect, management capabilities or business aptitude. It's a simple case of "wanting it more". I just don't want it. This is not what I see myself doing for the next five years. Unfortunately, while not an excuse. It does lead to indequacies.
I realised about two to three weeks ago, why I didn't want it, the answer was chillingly simple. I don't want it because I don't care.
 
I'm not saying I'm awesome at what I do, but I do think I'm pretty good and the only thing holding me back is me.
 
Who do you blame wheb you know that all your inadequacies are your fault. It doesn't matter it it"s a relationship, work, hygiene, or even running the U.S. Presedential Office, in the end the only one to blame is yourself.
 
Why haven't I set out to do more with my life? It boils down to deciding if you want to wake up one dat knowing that you tried and you just weren't as good as you thought? Or maybe you wake up knwoing you didn't even try?
 
In almost three years spent in India, I've accomplished nothing. It"s ironic people ask me why I came back and my answer is "I hated my job". Well, is today"s scenario any better?
I don't know, I get paid less to do more, while I'm still discontent doing it. The crazy part is, I know the people I report into actually read this blog and I don't eve care right now.
 
I just came from the farewell "party" of the person that introduced me to my present situation and two things dawned on me;
 
1) I still haven't quit and he just did. I'm not sure if this is an ego thing, or it its relation point #2.
 
2) He's actually doing what he always wanted to do, while I'm more lost about what I want to do than ever before.
 
I really wanted to stop writing these stupiid posts dealing with the brutal honesty of how I felt. I much rather post about "How women should dress on a first date!" Or "why is that girl engaged when she's got her arm around me?". Apparently, all I'm good at are these sappy posts, declaring the many inadequcies of my life. Mind you this isn't helping me get laid at all.
 
Stating "truths" that nobody else should care about and by the way if you do care? While I appreciate your concern, shouldn't you be more focused on your own life?
 
Amazingly enough, I'm not depressed or high volatile emotionally. I'm perfectly normal. I know what I need to do, the only question is "Am I capable of doing what needs to be done?".
 
Based on historical performance the answer is a resounding "No!", I'd like to believe that I still haven't lost the hope to change that to a more welcoming "Yes!".
 
It's 3 AM and all I feel like doing right now is going for a ride on beautiful Suzzanne. Damn the facr that I drank too much.
 
Definitely feel like a Homeless Man on New Years Eve.
 
By the way "Puke free since '09" just doesn't have the ring I want. Any suggestions?
 
P.S. This post was made using a BlackBeryy. Please excuse grammar, formating and spelling mistakes.

Posted via email from Zaev's Hole in the Wall